Returning the Pain
by insomaniac1
Summary: Beating Narutoverse clichés to death so you don't have to. /srsly.\ Looking for a good story to read? Me, too. In the interim, here's a bunch of crack one-shots to help kill some time.
1. Awkward

**Returning the Pain**

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**A.N./Disclaimer**

I am writing this solely for my own amusement.

This is basically a collection of one-shots, though there are a few running gags and meta-references that tie them (loosely) together. If you think that one needs to be a longer (or simply _better_) story, feel free to write it yourself. I don't own these characters, and I have a very short attention span.

**I honestly don't recommend reading them all at once; just a few at a time. Like people, _individually _they are amusing; but _collectively _they are tiresome.**

They are rated 'M' for a reason: a certain level of Maturity is expected on the part of the reader. (Unfortunately, for the _writer _that is a ship that has long since sailed.) They were originally intended to be humorous; yet looking back, I can see that there is a decided trend toward the... sinister. They can also be vulgar, lewd, and -in at least one case- positively _vile_.

Please don't take _any_ of it too seriously.

I think that the early 'Naruto!' manga plot had a lot of potential, in terms of the archetypal Hero story and Japanese folklore and storytelling tradition. Kishimoto totally dropped the ball around _Shippuden_, and most of the people on this site… well, it may simply be that our interests in the story are mutually exclusive.

That being said, however, my intention here is _not _to write something better.

_"I'll return the pain a thousand times over!" - Uzumaki Naruto, to Mizuki_

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**Awkward**

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The mist closed in, and a suffocating Killing Intent filled the air. The Uchiha whimpered.

"Don't worry, Sasuke!" Kakashi shouted. "I don't let my comrades die!'

"Really?" a disembodied voice seemed to echo through the encroaching fog. "Then where did you get that eye?"

Kakashi stumbled, and Zabuza took advantage of the opening.

xxxxxxx

Haku and Zabuza walked out of Gato's office, where they had just deposited the heads of an old man and four Konoha ninja.

"Like taking candy from a baby," the Swordsman chuckled, counting out a thick wad of bills.

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**A.N. II  
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If you didn't laugh at this one... Well, in any case, it's the thought that pops into my head every time I read that line from Kakashi.


	2. Smooth

**Smooth**

* * *

Naruto performed a few quick hand seals, then called out the name of his technique.

Suddenly, with a muffled 'thwump' and a slight gust of wind, a mattress popped out of thin air, unfolding into the space between them.

"…" the astonished strawberry-blonde gawped at her newly returned teammate.

Just what the hell kind of things had that crazy old Toad Sennin been _teaching _him for the past three years, anyway?

"What's the matter," Naruto leered, stretching out and patting the spot beside him suggestively. "Haven't you ever seen a _futon_ jutsu before?"

Moments later, Sakura was more than happy to return the favor with a little 'demonstration' of her own.

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**A.N.**

That's right; it's a pun. Everybody's allowed _one_. Best to get it out of the way early.

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**A.N. II**

Sigh. Okay, here's a Two-fer to make up for it.

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**111. More of You to Love**

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Following his triumph over Pein and the Akatsuki, Naruto couldn't really help but let a little bit of his new-found fame and glory go to his head. After all, growing up all alone -unwanted, unloved, scorned and reviled by the villagers- it was no wonder that he was emotionally vulnerable, starved for affection, desperate for a little tenderness…

Not to mention, the hotties were practically _begging_ him for it these days. 

_Mrowr_.

What was a hormonally-turbocharged teenage boy with kage-level 'reserves' to do?

Of course, no question is merely 'rhetorical' where Uzumaki Naruto is concerned. He quickly conjured a quorum of clones to debate the issue, pro and con.

Upon materializing, the eight clones shared a brief look; then one by one, they each gave him a crisp smack in the back of the head before once again dispelling.

Huh. Apparently, the solution _was_ that obvious, after all.

A_ harem._

It was the only _fair_ thing to do, if you'd just stop goofing around and think about it _logically _for a second (or so the cracking voice in Naruto's head assured him). He cared deeply for each and every one of those boobies. Babies. _Ladies_. Whatever. But there were several of _them_, and there was only _one_ of him. Naruto dimly recalled Iruka-sensei calling this, 'Supply and Demand' in one of those boring Political Economy lectures he had somehow failed to either ditch or sleep through.

"_Naruto-nomics_," he thought idly, suppressing a very Kakashi-like giggle.

"_Wait a minute_," he wondered. "_Do you mean to tell me that those little orange books are…_?"

But that question would have to wait for another day, and another set of clones. He had nookie to score, God damn it!

xxxxxxx

"God damn it!" Naruto cursed. "How can you _possibly _be sending me out on another mission _already_? I just saved the whole freaking village! Don't I get at least _one_ day off?"

"Besides," he muttered under his breath. "I thought you were supposed to be in some big _coma_ or something. What happened, the old liver conk out again?"

"Stop whining, Brat," Tsunade rasped, pausing to take a healthy tug of her cranberry juice (and vodka) cocktail. "Usually, you're all up in my business with mission requests. Now, when I'm incapacitated, and _I_ need _you _to do something…?"

(Just a little FYI: once you pass 40, that cute little 'Puppy Dog Eyes no Jutsu' genjutsu somehow automatically converts to 'Pull the Plug no Jutsu'. Don't get me wrong, it still affects the sympathy centers of the brain - but the results may not be _quite_ what you were shooting for.)

"Yeah, yeah," Naruto grumbled. "Stupid old ladies with their stupid dialysis… Well, I guess I'll get the memories from the clones later anyway, so it's not like I'll _miss_ anything. So, what's the mission?"

xxxxxxx

In various parts of the village, Naruto's clones were doing their best to make 'Operation: Stinky Dinky' a success.

(Yes, that really _was _the best that they could come up with. For 'security' purposes, no variation of the codename, 'Operation: Lose Naruto's Virginity' could even be brought up for consideration. That bastard Kiba would _never _let him live it down if he found out something like that!)

Strangely enough, virtually _identical _conversations were being held in each and every one of those aforementioned locations.

"You mean, you _really_ want to see my _Oiroke no Jutsu_?" a Naruto clone would ask, rubbing the back of its head. "I kind of thought that you chicks _hated _it, for some reason!"

"Oh, not at all, Naruto-kun," Anko, Kurenai, Hana, Shizune, Temari or Yuugao would purr in reply. "In fact, I think it's kind of _sexy_."

"_Ohboyohboyohboyohboy_!" thought each clone, quickly performing the technique. "_Jackpot_!"

"Have another drink, Naruto-chan?" said Anko, Kurenai, Hana, Shizune, Temari or Yuugao, leaning in close and breathing hot and moist against the clone's ear.

xxxxxxx

"Are you _sure_ about this?" whispered Shizune. "I mean, it seems like kind of a dirty trick…"

"_Dirty trick_?" hissed Kurenai. "He was trying to _seduce_ us! _All_ of us!"

"It's poetic justice, if you ask me," grunted Anko. "After all, the little punk _did_ want his very own harem."

And with that, Anko, Kurenai, Hana, Shizune, Temari and Yuugao stole silently away from the penthouse suite of the Konoha Gold Hotel.

xxxxxxx

Half-way through the Kage Summit, Naruto suddenly bolted upright in his chair, clenching every muscle in his body before abruptly face-planting in his udon.

The 9-Tails didn't appear to be making any attempt to heal him, and no one could tell what was wrong.

When Danzō surreptitiously used his Sharingan to enter Naruto's mindscape to find out what the problem was, he found the Fox lying flat on its back: tongue, paws and all 9 tails at half-mast, with little anime-style _x_'s on its eyes.

"_Well, _this_ certainly doesn't look good_," he thought with a frown.

xxxxxxx

Back in Konoha, Jiraiya was dancing down the street, singing -_singing_?- a jazzy little Nat King Cole number he remembered from his youth.

He was still a _wee _bit fuzzy on the details, but somehow -Kami be praised!- he had just had the best night of his life.

"_What a day this has been_,

_What a rare mood I'm in,_

_Why, it's al-most like be-ing in love…"_

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**A.N. III  
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Harem fics: check (kinda/sorta).

This was a request (kinda/sorta).

Naruto's 'mission' to lose his virginity: check (kinda/sorta).


	3. Tastes like Chicken

**Tastes like Chicken**

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Naruto's stomach growled.

Strike that - it downright _snarled_.

The only food he could buy that wasn't spoiled was instant ramen, and the only restaurant in town that would serve him was the ramen stand.

Frankly, he found the greasy, salty, glutenous sludge revolting; and he ate it as quickly as possible to keep from gagging.

But the _Shiki Fuujin_ burned calories like a sonofabitch converting the Kyuubi's chakra, and he was already the runt of his class as it was.

Iruka found him at the swing, right before Mizuki.

"There's always next year," he said, trying to cheer the boy up. "Tell you what, how about I buy you dinner later?"

For a brief moment, there was a spark of life in the boy's dull eyes.

"Ramen sound good?" asked Iruka, unwittingly sealing his own fate.

xxxxxxx

Later that night, a jackal-masked ANBU reported to the Hokage.

"We found the remains of Iruka and Mizuki; it looks like a pack of animals got at them. No sign of the scroll, though."

The Hokage, paler than his treacherous erstwhile student, cast a baleful glance at the drawer that held his viewing orb and dismissed the man.

xxxxxxx

In the wee hours of the morning, as the village of Konohagakure no Sato peacefully slumbered, Sarutobi Hiruzen looked back across a lifetime of failed responsibilities and performed his final _kinjutsu_.

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**A.N.**

You should be able to read the ending to this at least two ways: 1) Sarutobi commits suicide, realizing that he has failed Naruto so egregiously; or 2) Sarutobi performs a suicide _kinjutsu _that _also _kills Naruto, not wanting to repeat the mistake that he made with Orochimaru.

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**A.N. II  
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Tastes like Twofer.

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**119. No Horseplay at the Shallow End of the Gene Pool**

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Jiraiya was standing at the edge of the cliff, looking down into the misty chasm where he had thrown Naruto in hopes of forcing the boy to access the Kyuubi's chakra and summon the Toad Boss.

"USE THE RED CHAKRA!" he shouted, cupping his hands to his mouth. "THE _RED_ CHAKRA!"

There was no reply.

"NARUTO?"

Again, nothing.

"Uh-oh..."

xxxxxxx

There would be no murder trial, of course.

Not because Naruto was so despised by the village council, nor because it was a 'training accident' between a sensei and an apprentice, nor because Jiraiya was a Sannin and could pretty much kill whomever he damn well pleased.

No, it was nothing so _pedestrian_ as any of those reasons.

It was simply because Jiraiya was so close to Ground Zero when Naruto's body ultimately hit the rocks and the bijuu was released: he was vaporized to his component atoms by the initial blast wave.

The village of Konoha was in flames a few short hours later -as the 9-Tails finally finished what it had started twelve years prior- so the whole point was rather moot, in any case.

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**A.N. III**

I got the idea for this while reading Fritter's 'What is Home?', a story that follows Naruto after he _decides _not to use the red chakra.

Because really, what could _possibly _go wrong with Jiraiya's plan?

A. Throw kid off cliff;  
B. Rely on some kind of divine intervention;  
C. Back at the bar by Happy Hour.

It's foolproof, right? After all, he _is _a Sannin. And a _Sage_, to boot.

(Seriously, when the hell was Jiraiya supposed to have outgrown being the 'Naruto' of the Sannin?)

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**A.N. IV**

Uh, Three-fer?

This story _could_ be a side-story for 'No Horseplay at the Shallow End of the Gene Pool', or it may simply be another AU version of the 'If I die, you die' scene.

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**122. What's the Deal with the Devil?**

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Naruto was falling, falling - trying desperately to draw out the 'red' chakra to summon the Toad Boss, Gamabunta.

Suddenly, he found himself in a huge, dank brick chamber - like one of the evacuation tunnels he had discovered under the village when he was just a little sprout, and subsequently used for his famous 'disappearing acts' during his prankster days.

But in the center of _this_ chamber was an immense cage.

Nope. He could honestly say that he had never seen _that_ before.

And in the cage…

"So, this is my new prison," said the Second Most Terrifying Thing Naruto could imagine. "You don't _look _like much, Kid. Your people are becoming a trifle too… _complacent_, it seems."

(The Number _One_ Most Terrifying Thing was pretty much exactly the same, only without the cage. And sounding more ominously _threatening_, rather than merely… discontent.)

"You… You're the _Kyuubi_," Naruto gulped nervously.

"Got it in one," the Fox agreed, with a toothy smile.

xxxxxxx

"You _owe_ me," the four-foot-nothing, 12-year old genin delivered his ultimatum to the immense, immortal King of the Demons. "You've been using my body, so you owe me _rent_."

"_Using your body_?" the 9-Tails repeated, moved by sheer incredulity to look up from the game of Solitaire that had thus far occupied most of its attention. "No, no, no. Let's get this straight right here and right now, shall we? If _I_ had been using your body, your reputation would be, 'Savage, Relentless Killer'. Or maybe, 'Suave, Sophisticated Ladies' Man'. Or even, 'Snappy Dresser'. _Not_ 'Loud-mouthed Idiot'. No, I'm afraid that _you_ and you _alone_ have been driving _this_ bus, my friend. I have merely been along for the ride - and from where _I'm_ sitting, it looks like you are just about to punch your final ticket."

"But that's what I've been _saying_!" Naruto whined. "If you don't give me your chakra, we're _both _going to _die_!"

"Wrong again, Bub. _You're_ going to die. I, on the other paw, will -at long last, after more than sixty years imprisonment- be _released_." The Kyuubi stared off into the distance for a moment, lost in its own thoughts, before it finally took notice of Naruto once again. "I've waited three generations for one of you to actually put yourself into a situation where you were _guaranteed_ to die, rather than simply cripple yourself beyond repair. Against boredom, they say, even the _gods_ contend in vain; and the only thing I can think of that would be even _more_ boring than being stuck inside this cage would be, being stuck inside this cage, stuck inside one of you, stuck in a hospital bed, hooked up to a machine for fifty years, with _nothing _to look forward to but being transferred to a _new _prison. Now _that_ would truly suck major ass."

"But if _I_ die, _you_ die!" Naruto shouted - but whether he was outraged because he _didn't_ believe the Fox, or because he _did_, was a question he was no longer quite comfortable asking himself. "That's how the seal works! Ero-Sennin _said _so!"

"Um, _yeah_," the 9-Tails sarcastically agreed as it deftly placed another card in the spread. "And he _also _threw you off a cliff, rather than simply waste an hour of his precious time _training _you. Did you lose a _bet_ with somebody, is that how you got stuck with this retard? Or is it enough that you _identify _with this moron, and you are so desperate for affection that an imaginary 'bond' like that overrides all your common sense - so you're not even _concerned_ that he will obviously never _teach_ you anything?"

"He said… He…" Naruto trailed off, not really sure _what_ to say to that. Frankly, the Fox was making some pretty good points. Damn. "But I don't _want_ to die! I want to be Hokage!"

Naruto's shoulders slumped. "It's not _fair_. After all the _shit _they've put me through... I'm only _twelve_, for Christ's sake!"

"Tough luck, Kid," the Kyuubi sighed in commiseration and riffled the cards between its paws. "As it stands, when _you_ die -in about 2.6 seconds, unless I miss my guess- I go free. Unless…?"

"_Unless_! Unless _what_? I'm going to _die _in two seconds!" Naruto shouted hysterically.

"Tell you what," the Fox said, laying out the final card -the Ace of Spades- on the blond-haired, blue-eyed King of Hearts. "I'll make you a deal. I'll _give_ you your life. Instead of going free _now_, I'll wait until the end of your life - and it will be up to _you_ to play that hand out just as long as you can. Hell, I'll even give you all the _chakra_ you want, to sweeten the pot and make the game more exciting. Just promise me that you'll do your best to become Hokage, so I won't get _too _bored in here. What do you say?"

Naruto didn't hesitate. "Yes!" he shouted. "It's not like I'm _changing _anything - I'll even be keeping you locked up _longer _this way! I'll do it!"

"All you have to do is reach up there and tear that little slip of paper in half, to let the chakra flow more easily," the Kyuubi was practically _purring_ the words out by now.

Naruto leapt for the _ofuda _and ripped it in half without a second thought.

"Done!" he cried.

"You'd better get out of here now," the 9-Tails said, giving Naruto a punt out of the mindscape. "You've got a _toad _to catch."

xxxxxxx

"Well, _that_ was easy," said the Fox, pushing more and more of his toxic chakra through Naruto's coils. "Is it just _me_, or are kids _really _getting dumber and dumber these days?"

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**A.N. V**

"Against stupidity, even the gods contend in vain." -Friedrich Schiller

"Against _boredom_, even the gods contend in vain." -Friedrich Nietzsche

Ace of Spades = the death card


	4. Not the Time or Place, but Hey

**Not the Time or Place, but Hey - People Want to Know**

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As the medics carried Neji from the arena floor, Lee called out to Naruto.

"Yosh, Naruto-kun! You have indeed proven that hard work can beat a genius! Your flames of you…th … burn…"

His enthusiastic rant began to lose vigor, however, as demonic red chakra and a fierce killing intent began to roll off of Naruto in waves.

"_**You**,"_ Naruto growled.

"I've _told_ you never to speak to me. How did you even _pass_ the Academy? _I_ failed three times just because I couldn't make a stupid _bunshin_, but you? _You_ can't use any chakra techniques at all! How did _you_ get a free ride?"

Lee looked like a fish.

Gai looked guilty.

Sarutobi looked complicit.

The other jounin-sensei looked perplexed.

And Naruto still looked _pissed._

"And you are always busting on Neji for having it easy as a 'genius', while you proclaim _yourself _a 'genius of hard work'. And your _sensei_ actually endorses that crap! I've seen favoritism in my time - Believe it! - But that is taking it to a whole new level!"

"Congratulations, Gai," he spat, gracing the man with a scathing glance. "Looks like you've won yet _another _challenge."

Maito Gai, having been publicly called out for_ two_ serious ethical violations regarding his protégé, for the first time in his life began to feel somewhat... _exposed_ in his green spandex bodysuit.

(And no one missed the subtle jab at Kakashi, either.)

"No _wonder _Neji has that attitude," Naruto continued, his rage unabated. "He's got that whole thing with his father being sacrificed (and don't get me started on that!), the Main House/Branch House divide, the Caged Bird Seal of Searing Agony on his brain-pan... but somehow, in _spite _of all that, he has taught himself how to reverse-engineer the Main House techniques and trained himself to a level where he is considered the prodigy of his clan. And he has done that _all on his own_."

"Yet _you_ have the temerity to say that _you_ are the 'genius of hard work', when your sensei has devoted every single moment to giving you _everything _- everything, that is, _except _the lesson in humility which you are so painfully lacking."

"Gai," he said, turning his gunmetal blue gaze to the shell-shocked jounin. "Get your little fuck-puppet out of my sight before I kill him where he stands."

xxxxxxx

There was no 'Sunset on the Beach' genjutsu, no TV commercial 'ping!' of unnaturally white teeth. In their last public appearance together (outside of the official inquest), Gai simply led his student, the boy he loved like a son, the boy he would sacrifice - _had _sacrificed - _everything _for, now broken, from the arena.

xxxxxxx

Naruto _does _have the power to change people. But that's not to say, they always like the results.

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**A.N.**

I can't imagine Naruto accepting the Lee thing: it's a total slap in the face. And Neji may act like an ass, but he didn't have his skill (or anything else) handed to him on a platter. He clearly works just as hard as Lee.

xxxxxxx

The weird thing is, this actually started off to be a story about Neji's 'Main House/Branch House' Speech at the Chuunin Exams (hence the title). But somehow, trying to remember that scene brought me to this. Sorry for any confusion.


	5. COD

**C.O.D.**

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Naruto walked into the Council Chamber, scroll in hand.

"What is that de-, er, what is that_ thing_ doing in here?" cried a council member.

"Naruto, what is the meaning of this?" asked Sarutobi, affecting his stern, grandfatherly persona. "You should be with Jiraiya."

"Well, you _see_," drawled Naruto, "Jiraiya told me that I should ask the Fox for rent; but then the Fox explained that I had _bigger _fish to fry. So I came here to present you with my bill for services rendered. What exactly _is_ the going rate for restraining a greater demon lord, while operating in hostile territory?"

"Now, now, Naruto," cajoled the Hokage, "That is not something that we should be talking about. You _are _protecting the village, after all - just like the Yondaime wanted."

"Yes, _do _let's talk about the 'things my _father _wanted', Old Man," Naruto hissed, eyes glowing a very faint red.

"Oh, crap…" whispered the Hokage.

"Kyuubi says that tort, civil and criminal law are all pretty much clear cut here: child neglect, abuse and abandonment; kidnapping; slavery; indentured servitude; illegal seizure… Speaking of which, I'll be taking the Namikaze-Uzumaki clan assets and the Forbidden Scroll _now,_ before there are any more opportunities for…" a pause, as Naruto tilted his head to the side as though listening to some inner voice, "Malfeasance."

"Kyuubi's a _lawyer?"_ groaned a council member. "Oh, god - we're screwed."

"Just leave the hat on the desk on your way out, Old Man," Naruto grinned.


	6. Pale Eyed Freak I

**109. A Complete Waste of Time  
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A small, blond-haired boy was sitting in the Hokage's Office, talking with the Sandaime.

"And that's when the Kyuubi sent me back in time," he sighed, slumping forward and cradling his head in his hands as though he had twice his years of sorrow and regret weighing him down.

"So Konoha was wiped out," said Sarutobi Hiruzen, taking a slow, contemplative draw from his pipe. "And in the final battle, it was you alone against our greatest enemies - whom you decline to name; is that right, Naruto-kun?"

"That's right, Old Man," Naruto said, his eyes and voice once again filled with the determination he was famous for. "And please don't ask me for any more details. I can't afford to change too much. This is something I have to do alone. Only _I_ can save Konoha. You're just going to have to _trust _me on this."

"Of course," Sarutobi replied. "But maybe you can tell me more about yourself. That should be all right, don't you think? I just want to know how life was for you; I've always been quite fond of you, you know that."

Eighteen-year old combat veteran or not, Naruto blushed under the kind words of the man he always considered the closest thing he had to a grandfather.

"So tell me," Sarutobi continued, once he saw that the boy had risen to the bait. "Did you ever achieve your dream? Did you take my hat, and become Hokage?"

Naruto's blush deepened.

"Err, no; not _exactly_," he mumbled. "Actually, I never _officially_ made it past genin."

"Ah, well; that's easily understood, what with everyone being so caught up in the war and all," Sarutobi consoled, trying to keep the young man talking. "But you must have become a powerful ninja in any case, to have faced such fierce opponents on your own. Did you learn a lot of techniques?"

"Did I!" Naruto exclaimed, his cheerful mood returning once the less-sensitive subject of training had been brought up. "I worked really hard! I learned the Rasengan in just a week! And I even perfected it, and created my own variants of it, too!"

"That's very impressive, Naruto-kun," Sarutobi smiled. "I'm very proud of you. What else did you learn?"

"Well, I learned the _Tajū Kage Bunshin_ - that's actually how I passed my genin exam, on my 4th try. And I use them a lot. And I started the Sage training with the toads, but I never finished it. Actually, now that I think about it, that's pretty much all I ever learned. That's kind of weird; I always thought I learned a lot more than that…"

Seeing the boy's thoughts once again turning inward, the Sandaime tried a different tack.

"The battle is not won by the man who knows the _most_ jutsu," said the man who knew more than a thousand. "But by the man who uses the jutsu he _does_ know most effectively."

Naruto took a few moments to digest this, but eventually brightened when the Hokage's rather blunt message of encouragement got through to him.

"So tell me, Naruto-kun," Sarutobi continued. "Did you become a gifted strategist in the future, like the Nara?"

Naruto chuckled and scratched the back of his head sheepishly.

"N-no, I never really was one to think too far ahead," he said. "I've always been more of a 'seat of my pants' kind of guy, you know that. That's what makes me so unpredictable. I usually just jump right in, and try to see what works."

"Indeed," said Sarutobi, a bit more stiffly that before. "Well, I think I have some idea of the man you become, Naruto-kun. Now, can you tell me anything at all about what you have planned? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No, I think I have it all worked out, Old Man," Naruto grinned. "I just have to go to the Academy tomorrow and get assigned to Team 7 with Sasuke and Sakura. I can't wait to start doing some good old D-ranks with them again!"

Sarutobi blinked owlishly, somewhat dumbfounded; but he quickly recovered and began making a few discreet hand seals under his desk.

"_Nehan Shōja no Jutsu_," he whispered.

"_Feathers_?" Naruto thought. "_This is just like_…" and then he was down for the count.

xxxxxxx

Deep under the Hokage Tower, in a stone room lined with seals, Uzumaki Naruto lay strapped to a table.

The _Shiki Fuujin_ and the 9-Tails would no doubt complicate matters; but Sarutobi was confident that -in time- the Yamanaka or one of the more _creative_ members of ANBU T&I would be able to extract every last morsel of intelligence information locked away inside the uncooperative jinchuuriki's head.

It was unfortunate that it had to come to this; he had always had a soft spot for the eager young lad, after all. But the information that he had hinted at was simply too important to village security to be trusted to such a… _simpleton_.

Greater sacrifices than this had been made for the good of the village - both voluntarily and involuntarily.

At least, that's what Sarutobi kept telling himself, as the small boy's screams tore through the night.

* * *

**A.N.**

Nehan Shōja no Jutsu = Temple of Nirvana Technique (I couldn't find another 'forced sleep' technique)

If you're writing a time-travel fic, you may actually have need for the Uchiha Massacre or the Sand-Sound Invasion or some other tragedy to occur. That's fine - but _please _don't have Naruto say, "I can't tell anyone what's going to happen, or it might change the future too much! I have to do this on my own!" because then it is no surprise to _anyone _when he fails miserably, and your Naruto just comes off looking like a complete fucking idiot - as well as being morally culpable for not taking appropriate measures to keep the tragedy from occurring.

Make sure he _tries_ to prevent the tragedies (so that he appears to be morally responsible), make sure he _tries_ to get help (which makes him a more sympathetic character, and less of a moron), and then come up with a _reasonable_ explanation for the tragedy occurring anyway (the Sandaime didn't believe his story after all, or whatever). That just makes for a more satisfying story.

* * *

**A.N. II**

Two-fer (the original Chapter 6).

* * *

**6. Pale-Eyed Freak I**

* * *

"N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-Na-Na-Na-Naruto-k-k-k-kun," she sputtered, like an overstressed weed whacker.

Naruto stared at the blank-eyed girl.

"Little Orphan Annie?" he inquired uncertainly. "Wow! Can I get your autograph?"

Hinata promptly fainted, and Naruto casually stepped over her. Maybe he'd head uptown, and see what Ino was up to.

xxxxxxx

Many people believed that Naruto was clueless; he, however, just thought, "Some girls _seriously_ can't take a hint."

* * *

**A.N. III  
**

This piece is -admittedly- pretty lame; but it was part of my original 'Write 100 Stories in 1 Month' crap-athon and it's the set-up to a couple of later chapters, so I'm not quite prepared to delete it.

If the odd bit of Hinata-bashing is not your cup of tea, however, you can use this content guide to (mostly) avoid the offensive chapters:

I think these chapters are fairly 'safe' (though still rated M):

6 (pt 1), 8 (pt 2), 12 (pt 2), 22, 26, 27, 30, (42), 45, 48, 51, 57, 66, 67, 71, 72, 73, 76, 81, 82, 88, 89, 94, 96, 98, 99

Skip the Author's Rant, and these are okay:

1, 11 (pt 2), 14, 17, 23, 24, 25, 31, 33, 46, (52), 60, 77, 78, 79, 80, 84, 85, 87, 100

These are Lame, but 'safe':

2 (pt 1), 5, 8 (pt 1), 9, 11 (pt 1), 13 (pt 2), 19 (pt 1), 28, 29, 32, 35, 37, 38, 40, 47, 49, 50, 53, 54, 56, 62, 63, 64, 69, 83 (pt 1), 95,

These chapters have some Hinata Bashing:

6 (pt 2), 7, 12 (pt 1), 13 (pt 1), 15, 16, 20, 34, 39, 68, 74, 101

I'm lumping these together as 'General Intolerance':

4, 10 (pt 1), 18, 36, 41, 43, 70, 92,

And the catchall, 'Otherwise Offensive':

2 (pt 2), 3, 10 (pt 2), 19 (pt 2), 21, 44, 58, 59, 61, 65, 75, 83 (pt 2), 86, 90 (pt 1 & pt 2), 91, 93, 97,

This chapter I have been told is Absolutely Vile (as in, do not read under any circumstances):

55


	7. Pale Eyed Freak II

**Pale-Eyed Freak II**

* * *

"N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-Na-Na-Na-Naruto-k-k-k-kun," she sputtered, like an outboard motor with a clogged air filter.

Naruto stared at the girl with the ping-pong ball eyes.

"What can I _do _you for, Hinata-chan?" he joked, because:

1) he'd heard Jiraiya say it a hundred times and he _still_ thought it was pretty goddamn hilarious;

2) in spite of that, he still had absolutely no idea what (if anything) it was supposed to _mean_, exactly; and

3) he had no social skills whatsoever.

Hinata promptly went into a full-on seizure, limbs flailing and foaming at the mouth.

"Ah," thought Naruto. "She must be epileptic. That explains quite a bit, actually."

xxxxxxx

Facing Neji in the Chuunin Selection Exams, Naruto politely let him go off on his little "Fate" diatribe.

"Are you done yet?" Naruto asked, taking advantage of a brief pause while the older boy drew out a rough chart comparing and contrasting the similar yet distinct philosophies of fatalism, determinism, and predestinationism. "I mean, I'm not trying to be _rude _or anything, but the _audience _is getting a little antsy."

"If you're in such a _hurry _to meet your ignominious end," growled Neji, fastidiously tucking his calligraphy supplies away in his _obi_. "Then make your move, _Loser_."

Naruto simply shrugged. "Try to be nice to some people…" he muttered, and then he called out his attack.

"_Pokemon Style: __Strobe Light no jutsu!"_

In less than five seconds, Neji was on the ground, flopping about like a beached dolphin.

Looking toward the stands for Genma to call the match, however, Naruto suddenly found his own knees going weak.

Roughly a quarter of the audience, including most of the members of noble clans and all of the visiting royalty (all of whom had rather 'aggressive' policies regarding intermarriage and bloodline purity), were similarly afflicted. Sasuke and Kakashi, who had been watching with their Sharingan activated to study Neji's Jyuuken, stood staring vacuously, open-mouthed and drooling.

Naruto scratched the back of his head, and chuckled nervously. "It seemed like such a great idea at the time," he said.

xxxxxxx

The invasion came scant moments later. It only lasted about ten minutes, all told. Resistance, and thus damage to infrastructure, was minimal.

In the Hokage's Box, Orochimaru's nictitating membranes blinked once, twice; and he smiled a grinchy smile as he put on his new hat.

* * *

**A.N.**

Pokemon Style: Strobe Light no jutsu: The _Pokemon_ episode, _Dennō Senshi Porygon_, caused seizures in some viewers with it's strobe light-like effects.

The nictitating membrane is a transparent or translucent third eyelid present in some animals (commonly reptiles, birds, and sharks) that can be drawn across the eye for protection and to moisten the eye while also keeping visibility. Unlike the upper and lower eyelids, the nictitating membrane moves horizontally across the eyeball.

(I usually put story notes like this in the 'Chapters' subsection of my Profile page.)

* * *

**A.N. II**

Chuunin Exam twofer.

* * *

**124. Making a Monkey out of Him**

**

* * *

**

Uzumaki Naruto thundered into the Hokage's Office with murder in his eyes.

"That _bastard_!" he shouted. "I asked him to train me for the third round, and he _ditched_ me!"

Sarutobi Hiruzen, Sandaime Hokage of Konohagakure no Sato, took a moment to calm and collect himself.

"_Naruto_," he said through gritted teeth, while blotting at the puddle of spilled ink that had ruined his paperwork. "What is the meaning of this? Is there an emergency? What has happened?"

Naruto immediately proceeded to give a rather colorful explanation about how his sensei was only interested in 'kissing the Uchiha's ass', and had 'pawned' Naruto's training off on 'that pathetic closet-pervert, Ebisu'.

"Ebisu?" the Hokage repeated incredulously. "Surely you don't mean the elite jounin that I hand-picked to train my very own grandson? The man I personally _recommended_ to Kakashi?"

"Yeah, _that's_ the guy," Naruto confirmed, nodding his head with obtuse enthusiasm. "I took that loser out with my _Harem no Jutsu_ the first time I met him! How am I supposed to win the exam, if I'm stuck with a no-talent clown like that? He'd probably be too busy spanking the monkey to teach me anything!"

"_Harem no Jutsu_?" the Sandaime hesitated, beginning to feel himself being caught up in the _Spiral of Despair_ that was the _true_ secret weapon of the former Whirlpool clan. "I'm almost afraid to ask... And _what_, pray tell, is that?"

"It's the souped-up version of my _Oiroke no Jutsu_," Naruto proudly explained. "The closet-pervert wouldn't tumble for the _basic _model, so I had to step it up a notch, and hit him with _twenty_!"

"I _see_," Sarutobi said, clenching the stem of his pipe between his teeth. "So you consider Ebisu _weak_, because he fell for an _advanced _version of your… um, _technique_. And are you somehow forgetting that you tricked _me_ with the _original_?"

"And hot damn, that was _awesome_!" Naruto crowed, not picking up on any of the implications of that question whatsoever. "You should _totally_ just hand over that hat right now, Old Man!"

Sarutobi took another long draw from his pipe, just staring at the boy in thoughtful silence. Perhaps the jounin-sensei were right, and standards at the Academy _had_ become too lax.

"Today's your lucky day, my boy," he said at last. "I do believe that I can arrange for a more… _suitable_ instructor."

xxxxxxx

Naruto was running for his life through the village, much to the amusement of both the locals and visiting dignitaries alike.

The Hokage _had_ found him another instructor, all right: _Enma_, the Monkey King.

The old man had even given him the only 'training gear' he would be permitted to use for the next _thirty days_, right before pushing him out the tower window:

_one _pair of banana-flavored underwear.

No matter how you looked at it, it was going to be a _looong _month.

* * *

**A.N. III  
**

I just saw this conversation in _yet another_ story, and thought, instead of "offering to train the poor deprived child_ personally_"_,_ wouldn't Sarutobi be more tempted to _strangle_ the obnoxious little cretin? Honestly, just how many times can he insult the guy during this conversation, before the old man blows a gasket and puts him down?

And why is it that when _Sasuke _demands training, he's an ass; but when _Naruto _does it, it's okay?

xxxxxxx

In Soviet Konoha, monkey spanks _you_.


	8. The Man with Two Brains

**The Man with Two Brains**

* * *

"You have no idea what it's like to be cursed with a seal!" he spat.

"That's where you're wrong, Neji," Naruto said, removing his own hitai-ate and revealing the cranial screw-top that contained the beast.

* * *

**A.N.**

Knowing the reference helps, but I actually like this as a story in its own right; all tied up in a neat little package.

* * *

**A.N. II**

Oh, all right, ya philistines - Here's a bonus two-fer.

* * *

**106. Pre-Exam**

**

* * *

**

Kakashi arrived at the bridge at the usual time (three hours later than the scheduled meeting), and found his genin team waiting for him as always.

Instead of the usual "_You're __late_!" duet from Naruto and Sakura however, this time _Sasuke _took the fore.

"Why haven't you nominated our team for the Chuunin Selection Exam?" he rudely demanded, _sans _greeting or preface.

Apparently, news from the other rookie teams traveled quite fast in those early morning hours.

"Because you're not _ready_," came the masked jounin-sensei's infuriatingly nonchalant and straightforward reply.

"Well, maybe we'd _be_ ready, if you'd show up for practice on time, and not make us wait around all day!" Naruto scoffed indignantly.

"Actually," Kakashi replied. "That's exactly what I _mean_. Why in the world do you _wait_? You don't need _me _here to run laps, or practice throwing kunai, or do chakra control exercises, or meditate, or even do a little light sparring. So why wait? Hell, I'd even be impressed if one of you decided to sleep in, and at least get a bit more _rest _before coming here. But no-o-o, every day at oh-six-hundred, just like clockwork: you're all standing on this bridge, doing nothing, waiting around for three hours for me to finally show up."

"You're all still just schoolkids," he concluded with a disappointed grimace. "The lot of you, _pretending_ to be ninja."

The three genin openly stared at the older man in slack-jawed disbelief. To tell the truth, they were really just expecting another lame excuse -he'd forgotten the forms on his coffee table or some such- yet here he was, laying out for them in no uncertain terms that they were in fact _not __good enough_ for the exams.

"Until you begin to show some initiative, and can function somewhat on your own, and don't need me to _hold your hand_ every step of the way, you are simply not _ready _to be chuunin." And on that disparaging note, Kakashi shunshined away in a swirl of leaves.

There was a pause, as the three stunned genin stared off in the direction their sensei had disappeared.

"That damn Cyclops," Naruto growled out at last. "He's _always _coming up with the lamest cock and bull stories for not training us."

"That was the worst one yet," Sakura quickly agreed.

"Hn," Sasuke grunted, already planning to show up _extra _early the next day, just in case this was another one of those "underneath the underneath" things Kakashi was always going on about.

* * *

**A.N. III  
**

Comparing the Chuunin Exams to the NCO Board in the Army, one of the things I would expect them to learn is, "I will seek responsibility, and take responsibility for my own actions."

Standing on the bridge for 3 hours every morning, waiting for Kakashi to tell them to start climbing trees or whatever? Sorry, but that just doesn't scream, 'Leadership Potential' to me.


	9. The Father, the Son, and the…

**The Father, the Son, and the…**

**

* * *

**

Namikaze Minato, Yondaime Hokage of Konohagakure no Sato paused, looking down upon the assembled throng of ninja and civilians from the balcony of the Hokage Tower. Some abstract corner of his mind noted the similarity of the crowd's reactions to the Kübler-Ross model of the stages of grief: Confusion. Fear. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

He had just broken the news that the _Kyuubi no Yoko_, 9-tailed Lord of the Demon Beasts, had been reported blazing a trail of devastation that would lead ineluctably to the Village Hidden in the Leaves.

There was no power on earth that could deter the beast; the village was _doomed_.

Raising his voice to rein the crowd in once again, before they were lost to the tidal force of mindless panic, Minato carried on.

"I have a plan," he said.

And their hearts swelled with pride, relief and gratitude. Of course! This man - their leader, their Hokage, their favorite son - would _save_ them! Just as he had in the last Great War, when all hope seemed lost. And as he gave a brief explanation of the _Shiki Fuujin_ and his audacious strategy to make a deal with the god of death himself, they wept. Their hero, _the greatest shinobi of all time,_ so calm and courageous, telling them that _he would lay down his life_ for their sake!

"I need a volunteer," Minato continued.

_"Eh?"_ was the unanimous reaction from the crowd. You could practically hear that 'needle scratching across your favorite import rarity album' sound effect.

"The death god will take my life in payment for sealing the beast, but we will need a _vessel_: someone with the strength of will and purity of heart to keep the beast contained."

The crowd had one face, and that face in turn had one very blank look. After a moment, individual faces once again emerged - all of which seemed to have found something incredibly interesting to stare at, off in various random directions. No one set of eyes would meet any other.

Minato thought perhaps they just weren't _getting _it.

"You won't _die _from the procedure," he clarified. "Or at least, you _shouldn't_. The seal will bind your chakra to the demon's, and when you eventually _do _pass on, you will take the demon with you."

That thought did little to quell anyone's fears. _'Did he say,_ "Take the demon _with_ you"? _As in... to _Hell?'

It would be unjust to say that they were cowards, these men and women of the Leaf. Most of them had risked death on multiple occasions for their village, for their comrades. But when faced with that ultimate Other, and the threat of eternal damnation -a terror quite simply beyond all faith and reason- they were, indeed, afraid.

"Anyone?" Minato polled the crowd again.

Painfully embarrassed silence, scuffing of feet, nervous coughing.

Realization dawning, Minato gave a resigned sigh. "Then I suppose I have no choice," he whispered to himself, taking a small, blanket-wrapped bundle from the crane-masked ANBU standing just inside the Hokage's office. "If this is what _must _be done, then let it be done."

"This is my son, Naruto."

If not for the earlier announcement, the revelation of Minato's secret family would have stood the village on its ear for _days_; as it was, there were still a good number of surprised gasps.

"His mother, my wife Kushina, died this morning in childbirth. I will set out with Gamabunta to meet my death this afternoon. Our son will be orphaned; and now, for the sake of the village, I must leave him with a burden that no other will bear."

"He will protect you, Konoha. With his _life_, this innocent child shall save you all."

"I am the Hokage, and I must do my duty," Minato continued resignedly. "As Sandaime once told me, the _Village_ is my family now, and I must be a father to you all."

"But please," and here Minato's voice finally broke, and his anguish was felt in every beating heart. "I am asking you, _as _a father… _Who will protect my son_?"

They could scarcely breathe. They had been brought to the brink of death, stumbled, pulled back, fallen again; and then, like the golden light of day breaking through after a storm, their _Hero_ stood, this veritable _god_ of shinobi, offering them salvation once again, through his own _son_.

'_Naruto,'_ it began as a thought, then a whisper, like a flame crackling amongst leaves; but soon it swelled to a conflagration.

"**NARUTO!**" and with that locus, with that boundary so firmly defined between themselves and the terrible Unknown, shinobi and civilian alike were consumed and reborn in the Will of Fire, galvanized, tempered, unified with a singular purpose as never before.

He would be their savior. And with this covenant, they would be his people. And knowing this, knowing that they would be shielded from that unholy Mystery by his _living blood_, every one of them would now gladly _die _for him.

Minato smiled, even as the tears rolled down his face; and he held the child up to the roaring crowd. Naruto's people, Naruto's family, Naruto's _army,_ would always be there for him.

The force that he had just unleashed upon the Elemental Nations, a thousand years of warfare unparalleled, would have been beyond his comprehension.


	10. They Have That on the Internets Now?

**They Have That on the Internets Now?**

* * *

With a poof of smoke, a pale, heavyset teenager appeared in downtown Konoha. He was dressed all in black, including a too-small t-shirt with the logo of your favorite band. The orange traces on his face might have been mistaken for clan markings, if you didn't know that they were in fact Cheesey-Poof crumbs. He was holding a laptop.

"All right!" He shouted. "I'm in the story! Now I can kick some-"

Whereupon he was immediately taken down by a hail of weapons and ninjutsu.

Kakashi sighed, still holding the tora seal for the Grand Fireball technique.

"In the words of Jiraiya," he said, "If you want to do a 'self-insert', set up a webcam and a pr0n site; otherwise, nobody wants to see that crap."

His self-proclaimed 'Eternal Rival', though quivering in consternation at Kakashi's 'hip attitude', couldn't help but agree.

* * *

**A.N.**

Random two-fer.

* * *

**107. The Direct Approach**

**

* * *

**

Naruto sat in the empty hotel room, practicing the second stage of the Rasengan.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

"_Stupid Ero-Sennin_," he thought scornfully. "_Must have forgotten his stupid key when he went out whoring_."

But when he opened the hotel room door, he was surprised to find not the grey-haired Sannin, but a young man who looked suspiciously like an older version of his male teammate and a tall man with shark-like features. Both were attired in black robes, decorated with a pattern of stylized red clouds. It appeared to be a uniform of some sort.

"Uzumaki Naruto," the Sasuke look-alike said in a crisp, authoritative tone. "My name is Uchiha Itachi. Our organization, Akatsuki, has need of you. You will come with us."

Naruto began to protest, when suddenly, the large, blue-skinned man simply pulled out an enormous sword and cut off his legs.

"Glad to see you're finally taking some initiative, Kisame," Itachi praised his companion, now stooping to collect their shrieking 'package'.


	11. Sticks and Stones

**Sticks and Stones**

* * *

Sasuke merely stood his ground, the faintest shadow of a disdainful sneer the only sign that he even acknowledged Naruto's presence.

"I'm going to kick that teme's butt! Let me at him!" shouted Naruto.

Jiraiya, holding Naruto by the scruff of his collar, scoffed.

"Hold on, hold on: he calls you 'Dead-Last' - which, considering you failed the Academy three times and you were treated pretty much like a leper your whole life, I should think would be pretty galling - and you call him _'Teme'_?" Jiraiya just shook his head mournfully.

"Why don't you just call him 'Doody-Head'? Or better yet, 'Snookums'? Gah, that's pathetic."

Naruto (never the sharpest spoon in the drawer, it's true) considered this as he continued glaring at Sasuke.

"_Brother Fucker,"_ he finally slurred.

And then it was _on._

* * *

**A.N.**

'Dobe' and 'Teme' sound more like pet names than insults; they just don't have the same impact in English.

* * *

**A.N. II**

Two-chia Fer.

* * *

**108. When You Have the Same Eyes I Have - Perspective II**

**

* * *

**

The 'Uchiha Compound' was something of a misnomer. It was, in fact, a sizable district of the village unto itself: a large neighborhood on the outskirts of Konohagakure, with scores of families, shops and restaurants; the whole area securely enclosed by stout walls "to ensure the clan's privacy" (or so, at least, the Nidaime had claimed).

Yet over the years (and whether or not it was by simple coincidence, who can truly say), the two things that those walls had most successfully contained were the simmering resentment of the Uchiha Clan at being excluded from village politics… and the screams of the Uchiha when that same resentment came to a head, and one of their own was compelled to slaughter them all like pigs "for the good of the village."

It was upon this grisly scene that young Uchiha Sasuke stumbled, exhausted from a long day's training in hopes of _finally _winning some small measure of attention from his remote and taciturn father, Fugaku.

Sasuke had always been a bright and eager-to-please lad; he was above average, really, easily outstripping his peers at the Ninja Academy. But when your vaunted elder brother is the kind of prodigy that comes along once in a century, 'above average' loses a bit of its luster. That's not to say that Sasuke _resented _his big brother Itachi; far from it, in fact. He _idolized_ the older boy, and dreamed of being _just like him_ one day.

Until, that is, he found the young man standing over the steaming, dismembered corpses of their parents, casually slinging their blood from his _wakizashi_.

"A-Aniki," Sasuke gasped, tumbling to his knees as his mind reeled from the horrific scene before him. "Otousan... Kaasan..."

"So, you have finally come," Itachi replied, his strangely corrupted Sharingan glinting madly. "And you will be the last one."

"B-but _why_?" Sasuke cried, struggling to wake from this hellish nightmare; the foul stench of blood and death burning in his throat like ash.

Itachi explained that he had killed the other members of their clan to "test his abilities;" reasoning which the 10-year old Sasuke found incomprehensible.

"I'm not going to kill _you_, though," Itachi continued quietly, his red eyes glittering as if he were reminiscing about some favorite childhood Christmas. "Looking at you now... It just doesn't seem worth it. What a weak, pathetic _worm_."

Now turning to face Sasuke directly, it seemed as though Itachi were waking from a dream as he shook off the pervasive self-doubt and recriminations that had plagued him since joining ANBU when he was 11.

Steeling his resolve once more, his voice became harsh and commanding as he addressed the younger boy yet again.

"Run away_, orokanaru otouto_. Cling to life; in the most loathsome way... turn your hate toward _me_. And when you have the same eyes that _I_ have, let us see if _you _can be man enough to avenge the Uchiha."

"_Tsukuyomi_," he whispered; and Sasuke's whole world shattered around him.

xxxxxxx

Everyone he knew. Everyone he had grown up with. All the children he had played with. The elderly couple across the way. The nice young lady who ran the grocery store on the corner. His aunt, who had a small bakery two streets over. Hundreds of people, some whose names he didn't even know; all brutally murdered in cold blood, right there in front of him. And he was forced to watch, over and over, for 72 hours straight, as Itachi carved them up again and again. He couldn't do anything to help them, and he couldn't even look away. He could only watch, helplessly, as they cried out; as Itachi stabbed, and slit, and cut his way through them. He begged God to make it stop, make it _stop_, _make it stop_.

But God never answered; and it went on and on _and on_.

xxxxxxx

When ANBU finally arrived on scene (long after Itachi had fled, and certainly long past the point where any of the Uchiha might have been treated and saved), they found Sasuke still unconscious, quivering in a puddle of vomit and other bodily wastes. After sharing a chuckle and a few jokes at the small boy's expense, they shot a quick match of _jan-ken-pon_ to decide who would carry him to the hospital.

xxxxxxx

Half-way there, the squirrel-masked Yamato stumbled as he realized that rock does _not_, in fact, punch through paper. "_Inu-u-u_!" he cried.

xxxxxxx

Sasuke was released from the hospital in short order: there was nothing _physically_ wrong with him, after all; and in a ninja village, 'trauma counseling' pretty much boils down to the phrase, "Everybody loses somebody sometime; get over it."

Of course, there was no shortage of people willing to take the unfortunate young boy in (together with the vast fortune he had inherited as the sole surviving member of the Uchiha Clan remaining in Konoha). While everyone had hated and feared the Uchiha when the clan was still extant, Sasuke was now seen more as a favorite _pet_ than anything else. They offered him treats, asked him to perform tricks, cajoled him with simpering praise… but beneath it all, and always unspoken (because the ghosts of dead Uchiha had to be damn near _everywhere_ these days), was that barely hidden contempt: "_Not so high-and-mighty _now_, are you, you stuck-up son of a bitch_?"

Regardless, Sasuke shunned all human contact. His fractured mind was still in turmoil, and there was only one overriding imperative that gave him the focus and will to make it through each day.

He was an Uchiha, the best of the best; that thought was drilled into him by his father since birth. Yet at the same time, he was _nothing_; not worth his father's second glance, and not even worth Itachi's time to kill. And until he became strong enough to protect them from his monstrous older brother -_who was still out there somewhere, waiting and watching_- he didn't dare let anyone get too close to him again.

"I _will_ get stronger," Sasuke vowed, wrapping the bandages over his arms to cover the numerous shallow cuts he had made. "Whatever it takes. And I _will_ stop That Man from doing this again, to somebody _else's_ family."

* * *

**A.N. III  
**

Wakizashi = a traditional Japanese sword similar to a katana with a shōtō blade between 30-60cm  
Orokanaru otouto = Foolish Little Brother_  
_Jan-ken-pon = Rock-Paper-Scissors

I wanted to tweak Itachi's 'Foolish Little Brother' speech so that it would be ambiguous to Sasuke; he is supposed to be beating himself up over the massacre in the first part, then encouraging Sasuke to be safe and grow strong (while in the hands of his enemies) so that he may eventually do what Itachi could not and stand up to those responsible in the second part. Sasuke -of course- takes the whole thing the wrong way.

I've read a lot of stories where the author tries to make the equation, "Everybody loses someone; it's a ninja village, for Pete's sake. Sasuke needs to stop being such a whiny little bitch and just get over it already." Which clearly shows a complete lack of understanding for the sheer _magnitude _of what Sasuke went through.

Itachi killed hundreds of people (_everyone _that Sasuke knew growing up: his immediate family, his whole clan, his whole neighborhood) in just a few hours. And Sasuke _relived _each of those murders over and over for 72 hours. So figure witnessing _thousands_ of brutal (personally significant) deaths, added to the personal loss that those deaths represent, coupled with his idol Itachi's betrayal, (supposed) scorn and 'challenge', heaped on top of his already deeply entrenched inferiority/superiority complex issues, liberally spiced with the patronizing attitude of the villagers (and the wheedling of the fan-girls, who apparently go out of their way to be the exact _opposite _of what a ninja would find desirable)...

Now throw in a Cursed Seal that just 'might' affect his judgment.

Yeah. Get over it. I mean, it's been _months _already. Sheesh.

Sasuke _talks _about wanting to "get stronger and kill That Man," but if you take a close look at what is _really _going on, you will see that he actually has a death wish: he keeps searching out stronger and stronger opponents, impossible enemies -all of whom should be _way _out of his league- subconsciously hoping that, eventually, one of them will _finally _put him out of his misery.

(You don't seriously think that 12-year old Sasuke attacked Itachi because he thought he could _win_, do you?)

I also hear a lot of people say, "So-and-so had a cold and demanding father, who never showed any affection or gave any praise. So-and-so also had a very traumatic event in their childhood, and a lot of pressure as the child of the clan head." The same of which could be said of Sasuke - though you won't be hearing any of _those_ people saying it.

I'm not really a big Sasuke fan; I haven't seen many stories where the author bothers to make him a likable character.

I _do_ see a lot of stories where he's an Evil Bastard, and bashed unrelentingly. And most people seem to think that's A-okay. Even in time-travel fics, where Naruto goes back to when Sasuke is still just a _kid_.

"Because," the thinking seems to go, "Sasuke (and Sakura, and possibly Ino) is _irredeemable_, and cannot change."

(Contrariwise, it is _not_ acceptable to say that so-and-so did not change - and change _dramatically_, at that.)

It just makes me wonder, that's all.


	12. Pale Eyed Freak III

**Pale-Eyed Freak III**

* * *

"N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-Na-Na-Na-Naruto-k-k-k-kun," she sputtered, like Kira-Bi's backup beat-box.

Naruto stared at the blank-eyed girl.

If the eyes truly were the windows to the soul (as he'd often heard), he had to be looking at Casper the Freaking _Ghost_.

"Hey, Hinata-chan," he said brightly, rousing himself from his errant thoughts and holding up the stringer. "Do you want some fish? I caught way too many."

Taking one look at his piscatorial bounty, the former clan-heiress promptly fainted.

"That's funny; I figured she'd _like_ walleye," Naruto shrugged, and strolled off to see what Ino was up to.

* * *

**A.N.**

Walleye are a type of fish that have a light-gathering layer in the eyes called the _tapetum lucidum_ which allows the fish to see well in low-light conditions (and also causes their eyes -like those of cats- to reflect light, giving a milky appearance).

The term, 'walleyed' has come to refer to large, staring eyes, or eyes presenting little or no color (like those of the Hyuuga).

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?  
A: Fsh.

* * *

**A.N. II**

Super secret bonus two-fer.

* * *

**105. I Know Why the Caged Bird Stings**

**

* * *

**

The Hyuuga Elder was explaining the situation to Hizashi.

Sometime during the night, the Kumo 'ambassador' had apparently tried to kidnap Hinata.

And Hiashi -who would come to regret his actions for the rest of his life- had reacted instantaneously, decades of intense _jyuuken _training reducing the interloper to a skin-wrapped bag of human smoothie in scant moments.

The ink was barely dry on the fragile new peace accord with Cloud; this incident could well be the spark that would engulf the Leaf in the flames of the 4th Great Shinobi Secret War.

Like it or not, a way must be found to appease their erstwhile enemy.

xxxxxxx

So what you're saying is," Hizashi slowly drawled. "You want _me _to sacrifice myself in Hiashi's place."

"That's about the size of it, yes." agreed the Elder.

"And then what?" Hizashi asked, truly perplexed. "To keep the Cloud from getting suspicious, he will have to take _my_ name, and my place in the Branch House. So really, you'll be right back where you started from."

"Don't be ridiculous!" tittered the Elder, finding the mere thought absurd beyond measure. "Of course he will do no such thing. It's _obvious_ that the Cloud are only after the Byakugan; and after they have returned to Kumo with your body, it will be too late for them to cry, Foul."

"Well, if that's the case," Hizashi suggested. "Wouldn't _any_ body do? I don't want to point fingers or anything, but how about the guard who let the ambassador through the gate in the first place? Where the hell _is_ that guy, anyway? It seems like _he _should be able to clear up a lot of this mess for us, and justify Hiashi's actions."

"Nobody's seen him," the Elder replied, quickly changing the subject. "I think he has the day off. In any case, Kumo demands _Hiashi_, not some random _Who_-ga. That's why we need to send _you_."

"Oh, right, right; the whole, long black hair, white eyes, angular features and identical white robes thing," Hizashi said, rolling his eyes. "Because after all, a bunch of foreigners who have never actually seen us in person will _definitely_ be able to tell our corpses apart."

"Seriously," Hizashi continued, fixing the Elder with a glare. "This is all because I keep kicking his ass when we spar, isn't it?"

The other man gave an embarrassed, noncommittal shrug.

"Older brother or not, Mom always like _me_ be-"

And then Hizashi's mind exploded in a world of white-hot pain.

"Looks like he took the news well," said Hiashi, still holding the hand seal for the _Hyūga Sōke no Juinjutsu_ as he walked into the room and stared down at the writhing form of his identical twin. "Make sure his son understands that he died to protect the Main House, serving the honor of the Hyuuga Clan as was his duty. I don't need any of this coming back to bite me in the ass later."

* * *

**A.N. III**

Seriously, what the hell did killing Hizashi accomplish? That's the point I want to make here. Somebody please explain it to me.


	13. Pale Eyed Freak IV

**Pale-Eyed Freak IV**

* * *

"S-S-S-S-Sa- Sa-Sa-S-S-Sasuke-k-k-kun," she sputtered, doing a fair impression of an automatic lawn sprinkler. "H-Have y-y-y-you s-s-s-see-s-s-seen s-s-seen N-N-N-N-Na-Na-Na-"

"CHIDORI!" with uncharacteristic passion, Sasuke shouted the technique name and drove a lightning-coated knife-hand into the girl's face.

"Thanks," said Naruto, stepping out from the bushes. "But do you see what I mean now? _Annoying_."

* * *

**A.N.**

Two-fer.

* * *

**104. It's Always the Little Things**

**

* * *

**

Hatake Kakashi stared at the three young genin who had gathered around his bedside.

"That hunter-nin who killed Zabuza," he said, frowning thoughtfully. "I don't think he was a _real_ hunter-nin."

"What makes you say that, Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura asked nervously.

"For one thing," Kakashi explained. "He didn't destroy the body on-site, like a _real _hunter-nin would do."

"And what's the other thing?" asked Sasuke, strangely aroused by the prospect of facing _yet another_ enemy who could kick his ass six ways to Sunday.

"The tag on his mask said, 'Acme Costume Rental'," Kakashi said with a shrug.

xxxxxxx

"_Taking on a genin team _might_ actually be kind of fun_," Kakashi thought, popping another pain reliever and curling up with his book by the fire. "_They're no _Gai_, of course - but it _does _let me work on some new material. And no more _challenges!"


	14. Put Yourself in My Shoes

**Put Yourself in My Shoes**

**

* * *

**

Tsunade had finally crossed the wrong people, and simply running away was no longer an option. These weren't the usual petty crime bosses or even full-fledged Yakuza she'd long been accustomed to; somehow, they had captured Shizune.

And they were playing _hardball._

"What do you want?" spat Tsunade. "I'll kill you _all _if you harm her!"

"And you'll never find her if you do," said Deus X. Machina, the Mysterious Stranger. "But I'm sure we can come to a more… _amicable_ arrangement."

Tsunade didn't think the arrangement was all that 'amicable', to tell the truth. But she'd been asked to do stranger things in her life than use her unique genjutsu to transform into a short, whisker-cheeked boy and spend a day in Konoha.

xxxxxxx

Regarding the Sannin, people generally think of Jiraiya as the super perv with the flashy ninjutsu; Orochimaru as the evil genius with the freaky kinjutsu; and Tsunade as the alky medic with the… big tits.

That assessment was not, of course, entirely inaccurate; but then, neither was it completely correct. For even though Tsunade didn't have the showiest jutsu, she did have chakra-enhanced super strength and a ginormous, acid-spewing slug summon - meaning she was still not someone you wanted to piss off.

_Repeatedly_.

xxxxxxx

As the dust settled, the two remaining combatants appeared to be struggling to keep their feet.

"Minato's son," hissed Tsunade. "My _godson!"_

"It was a secret that had to be _kept_, Tsunade," the aged Hokage choked out. "The boy would have had powerful enemies…"

"And he should have had even _more_ powerful _defenders_!" shouted Tsunade, arcing double chakra-scalpels through the old man's chest.

And so Sarutobi Hiruzen, the Sandaime Hokage of Konohagakure no Sato fell, heart shattered (or diced, to be more technically accurate), as the Great Tree of Konoha burned.

xxxxxxx

Tsunade gathered up the boy where she had left him earlier in the day, safely hidden and sleeping under a simple _iryōjutsu _technique.

It had been an awkward initial confrontation, followed by fearful, half-whispered accusations of the trouble she must be making for him while in his guise; and then he told her his story. And she couldn't help but be moved by the boy's words, naïve and hopeful in the face of such monumental adversity. ("Ashley Kinder Syndrome? Or even Stockholm Syndrome," the medic-nin in her diagnosed.) For a moment, when he spoke of his dream of becoming Hokage, she could almost see her little brother, Nawaki in his place - but this would be her brother betrayed by those closest to him, as opposed to giving his life in pursuit of his dream (a realization that finally brought her some closure, and also galvanized her will to do what needed to be done).

xxxxxxx

Tsunade found Shizune by the broken village gate, and roused her from the illusionary technique that Machina had left her in. ("You were playing slots, and losing," Shizune meekly explained. "It simply never _occurred _to me that I was in a genjutsu.")

xxxxxxx

As the three walked through the forest, Shizune tried and failed to make sense of recent events. Finally giving up, she asked, "So, where are we going _now_, Tsunade-sama?"

The answer, not so surprising as it might once have been, was (as always) quietly accepted.

"We're going to find my worthless ex-husband," Tsunade said. "And we're going to _kill _him."

* * *

**A.N.**

I really hate the 3rd. That phony 'grandfather' act makes me want to puke. He is a cold, manipulative bastard with an agenda, just like canon Danzo - they are two sides to the same coin. He glibly tells the world that Naruto is a walking atom bomb/jinchuuriki, but then says that he can't reveal Naruto's parentage because THAT might cause problems. (Seriously, which is worse?) He makes sure the kid is utterly defenseless, strips him of his family, heritage, inheritance, and any chance of a normal life. But hey, a couple times a year he spends a buck and buys the kid a bowl of ramen. What a guy. "Sorry everyone in the village treats you like crap, Naruto, but here's some cheap-ass soup to make up for it." And _then_ he's got the freaking balls on him to tell the kid that "the Hokage has to care for everyone in the village, like family." What an evil prick. Now you know why he's the only kage to become old enough to retire, when the average life expectancy for a ninja is probably around 30.


	15. Pale Eyed Freak V

**Pale-Eyed Freak V**

* * *

Hanabi stared at the lifeless form of her sister, and channeled chakra to her new eyes.

"Eternal Byakugan," she whispered. _"Fudō Myō-ō."_

A third eye opened on her forehead, and she was enveloped in a wreath of flame.

Hanabi laughed.

"I _knew_ it would work," she said at last.

* * *

**A.N.**

Fudō Myō-ō = "Immovable Wisdom King" = Ācala = one of the Thirteen Buddhas in Japan.

Fudō is a personification of Dainichi Nyorai, and the best known of the Myō-ō, who are venerated by the Shingon sect of Japanese Esoteric Buddhism. He is the destroyer of delusion and the protector of Buddhism. Fudō converts anger into salvation; with his furious, glaring face, Fudō seeks to frighten people into accepting the teachings of Dainichi Buddha, leading them into self-control. He is seen as a protector and aide in attaining goals.

Fudō carries a "kurikara" or devil-subduing sword in his right hand (representing wisdom cutting through ignorance); he holds a lariat in his left hand (to catch and bind up demons); and he often has a third 'all-seeing' eye in his forehead. Fudō's aureole is typically the flames of fire, which according to Buddhist lore, represents the purification of the mind by the burning away of all material desires.

Fudō seemed like a good match for a Hyuuga guardian.

xxxxxxx

Yes, playing up Hanabi is yet another jab at Hinata. It's meant to be ironic. (Like saying one identical twin is 'prettier' than the other.)

No, it never does get old for me. (Kind of like Sasuke- or Sakura-bashing, for some people - if you catch my drift.)

xxxxxxx

If the Sharingan evolved from the Byakugan, then why shouldn't there be an 'Eternal Byakugan', too?

Maybe that even explains the whole Main House/Branch House split. (And it would go a _lot _farther to explain why Hiashi has not given the Caged Bird seal to either daughter: he has to wait for Hanabi to get old enough to perform the seal on her older sister.)

Hizashi gave his body (and eyes, sealed though they may have been) to Kumo as an act of defiance, all right - he kept Hiashi from plucking them out of his head!


	16. Pale Eyed Freak VI

**Pale-Eyed Freak VI**

* * *

Naruto showed up late to the bridge (though still beating his perpetually tardy sensei by a good fifteen minutes). That's not what surprised his teammates the most, however.

"See you later," said the dark-haired girl, who was -it became suddenly evident as she kissed him goodbye- dropping him off.

"I thought you weren't _into _Hyuuga chicks," Sasuke opined.

The smirk was familiar; but for a change, his eyes were actually dancing with mirth.

"Nah, Hanabi's all right," Naruto grinned back at him. "At least _she _makes some _effort _to get stronger."

Unfortunately, neither of the other two women present (one on the bridge, and one lurking in the bushes) seemed like they could catch a drift with a snow blower.

* * *

**A.N.**

It's odd: I've seen stories where Hanabi is quite (believably) charming; yet I absolutely abhor Hinata. I think it's because Hanabi actually _tries _to improve herself.

* * *

**A.N. II**

T-T-Twofer

* * *

**120. We're Number One! (Or at Least, We _Will_ Be)**

**

* * *

**

"Thank you for seeing me on such short notice, Hokage-dono," Hyuuga Hiashi fairly _ground _the words out as he entered the office; giving a slight inclination of his head over his clasped fists that _could_ be interpreted as a bow - if you didn't understand that he was _actually_ making a 'subtle' show of checking his watch to see just how long he'd been kept waiting.

"But of _course_, Hiashi-san," Sarutobi Hiruzen smoothly replied, spontaneously deciding that -at damn near eighty years old and _twice_ chosen for this godforsaken position- he could respond in kind and indulge in a bit of fun at this arrogant Hyuuga upstart's expense. "We can _always_ find time for the third greatest clan in the village."

"I appreciate that. I-" Hiashi's body seemed to freeze; his lips twitching in a disturbingly realistic pantomime of an ornamental_ koi_. You could almost _see_ the 'SEARCHING… SEARCHING… SIGNAL NOT FOUND…' scrolling across his pale, putty-colored eyeballs.

Regaining his composure (and perhaps resetting) with a brisk jerk of his head, Hiashi continued. "I'm sorry; did you say, _third_ greatest clan? And just _who_, may I ask, are the _first_ and _second_?"

"Why, I should think that every_ schoolchild_ knows that," Sarutobi teased, with a paper-thin smile that didn't come anywhere _near_ his eyes. "I am, of course, referring to the _Senju _and the _Uchiha_. They _were_ the clans responsible for _establishing_ this proud village of ours, after all."

"The Senju and the…"

"Quite right. It's true, their numbers are not as… _plentiful_ as they once were; however, so long as there is even a _single_ living member in good standing on our village rolls, _their_ clans will still be recognized as the foremost representatives of the spirit of strength and sacrifice upon which Konohagakure no Sato was built - the first among _equals_, as they say."

"B-But… but of course, Hokage-dono," Hiashi stammered out, completely unable to frame a… _suitable_ response.

Sarutobi struggled not to laugh outright at the constipated look on the younger man's face. But god damn it! One of the _core principles_ of the village was the idea that everyone worked _together_, as equals - even the _civilians _were given an advisory position on the Council. If yet another clan head was going to start getting ideas that his clan was _better _than everyone else - well, Sarutobi could either nip _that _little bud of insurrection right here and _now_, or start grooming another Itachi. And that Hinata girl certainly wouldn't need much more than a scroll on poisons and a push in the right direction...

Bah. Hopefully, this piddling little rebuff would be sufficient. Hiashi certainly _seemed _to be taking the lesson to heart.

"Now, what did you need to see me about so urgently, Hiashi-san?"

"Eh? Ah! If you will allow me to explain, Hokage-dono…"

xxxxxxx

Sarutobi had _tried _to teach this sort of thing to Minato, once upon a time: "Being Hokage isn't _easy_; you have to use a light touch. When you do things _right_, people won't be sure you've done anything at _all_."

"Different strokes, for different folks," Minato had airily replied, with that damned infuriating grin on his face.

Sarutobi thought that Minato was an impetuous _idiot_, only chosen by the Daimyo for his youth and popular appeal following the war.

Minato thought that Sarutobi was a doddering old paper-pusher, who was completely out of touch with the _people _in his command - and in his care.

Sadly -for the good citizens of Konoha- they were _both _right.

xxxxxxx

Back at the Hyuuga Estate, Hyuuga Hiashi sat in his private meditation chamber, slowly but steadily coming _unglued_.

"You have _got_ to be fucking _kidding_ me!" he finally snarled, angrily snipping through the trunk of a centuries-old bonsai elm that he'd been attempting to prune.

"The _third_ greatest clan in the village?" he picked up an heirloom _suiseki_, the scholar's stone that resembles a mountain grotto, and hurled it across the room, inadvertently damaging a large painting known as 'White Center', which had been presented to the Hyuuga family many generations before Hiashi's birth.

"The last of the _Senju_ is a drunken gambling addict with a fortune in bad debt!" Hiashi shouted, kicking over a small display of priceless blue and white porcelain that had been recovered from the wreck of the _Hoi An _in the Dragon Sea. "She hasn't even _visited_ the village in years!"

"The last _Uchiha_ in the village is a 12-year old emotionally-sabotaged punk who can barely even _speak_ coherently!" he hissed, spittle mixed with highly acidic black tea streaking across an original woodblock print of Hokusai's 'Pink Fuji'.

"And his _brother_ is a psychopathic missing-nin responsible for killing the _rest_ of his clan," he paused, picking up a genuine Tang Dynasty earthenware burial figure with _sancai_ glaze and inspecting it as though seeing it for the very first time - before proceeding to drop it carelessly to the marble floor. "Who only _happened_ to be the village police force!"

"And he actually has the _stones_ to say that _my_ clan -over two _hundred_ people, faithfully serving this village since the Founding- ranks lower than _them_? Preposterous!"

"Something has to be done," Hiashi muttered, sloshing a healthy draught of premium _Daiginjo-shu_ sake into a saucer; dissolving the translucent black lacquer finish of the Heian-era writing desk with the alcohol in the process.

"Something _will_ be done," he proclaimed, before lighting a pipe of his special 'calming' tobacco blend and throwing the spent match into the trash bin.

"I think it's time to start calling in some favors."

As Hiashi rang for one of the anonymous drones from the Branch House to come clean up the mess -a role they were _bred _for, and, thanks to the Caged Bird seal, performed more assiduously than any _paid _servant ever would- the rare Giant Pandas, cowering in the _kenrokuen_ Six Elements Harmony garden just outside the veranda, breathed a long-held sigh of relief.

xxxxxxx

Deep in the Forest of Death during the second portion of the Chuunin Selection Exams, Hyuuga Neji stood on a tree branch looking over a grisly scene.

And he was _definitely_ not happy with what he was seeing.

His Uncle Hiashi was going to have his _ass_ if the operation got fouled up at this point.

"Lee!" he called out to the green-clad boy kneeling on the ground. "I _told_ you not to interfere! We're moving out! _Now_!"

And with that, he turned around and left the clearing.

From the look of things, Hiashi's shadowy 'associate' had already done _his_ part, and the Uchiha would soon be leaving the village.

That would leave only the Senju, Tsunade, standing between the Hyuuga and their rightful -their _destined_- position at the top of Konoha's food chain.

And Hiashi had said that the yellow-eyed man had a plan for _her_, as well.

* * *

**A.N. III  
**

I have no idea why Hiashi decided to play 'Inspector Clouseau' in this scene.

xxxxxxx

This story pretty much sucks, I know. But I keep seeing, "The Hyuuga are the greatest clan in the village!" all over the place; and I just thought, with an ego like that, Hiashi probably spins out at the mere _mention _of the Senju (Tsunade) or the Uchiha (Sasuke).

What the hell. _You _take a stab at it, and I'll be happy to read it. :)

xxxxxxx

'White Center' (Yellow, Pink and Lavender on Rose), 1950, painted by Mark Rothko (1903-70), was sold at auction by Sotheby's, New York in 2007 for $72.8 million; Seller: David Rockefeller; Buyer: Qatar Royal family.

'Pink Fuji', an original woodblock print by Katsushika Hokusai (1760-1849), was sold at auction by Christie's, London in 2007 for $602.1 thousand; three times the auction estimate and a world auction record for a Japanese woodblock print.

"Ancient Chinese literature writes that the perfect garden contains six elements, grouped into 3 pairs of opposing themes: spaciousness and seclusion, ancientness and artificiality, water flow and broad views. Kenrokuen strolling garden, one of the three most famous gardens in Japan, is named after these six elements in the bold hope of combining all of them successfully."

Futurama - S3, E19- 'Godfellas'  
God: "Bender, being God isn't easy. If you do too much, people get dependent on you, and if you do nothing, they lose hope. You have to use a light touch. Like a safecracker, or a pickpocket."  
Bender: "Or a guy who burns down a bar for the insurance money!"  
God: "Yes, if you make it look like an electrical thing. When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all."


	17. Everybody's a Critic I

**Everybody's a Critic**

* * *

Waiting for Kakashi at the bridge (like they did every morning), Naruto was reading _Slow Learner_, a collection of short stories by Thomas Pynchon.

"Listen to this," he said. "Thomas Pynchon says that when he looks over his early work and sees where he tried writing a character speaking in dialect, he feels like an absolute tool. He says it's complete rubbish, and painful to read."

"He'd probably say the same thing about lemons," said Sasuke.

* * *

**A.N.**

"Licking her bottom lip, asking for entrance, tongues battling for dominance…"

If I have to read this exact same crap _one more time_, I swear I will stab my own eyes out. Do they just cut and paste this shit?

If you're looking for pr0n, why don't you try... Oh, I don't know - the _INTERNET_?

* * *

**A.N. II**

Tongues battling for twofers.

* * *

**121. Naruto's been _Exposed_**

Naruto was startled by a knock at the door.

What the-?

He _never_ had visitors.

Not the _good_ kind, anyway.

He padded over to the front window, and discreetly peeked through the curtain.

("I'm a _ninja_, not freaking _Superman_, okay?").

Damn. Still batting 1.000.

It was that crazy examiner lady, Anko.

xxxxxxx

"So even though your 'tenant' _should_ protect you from any _potential_ problems, Shizune says that I still have to inform anyone who _may _have been exposed - in _your_ case, through… um, oral-to-blood contact."

Naruto, sitting across from her on the ratty old couch, was in a state of shock.

"Here's a few brochures -this 'I'm HIV-_Positive_!' one is pretty good, actually- and Shizune wants you to come in for some blood work tomorrow. You'll need to have that done every three months now, I guess."

Naruto had not moved a single inch.

"I'm really sorry for all the trouble. But I don't think you have anything to worry about! I take good care of my teeth and gums, and they say that saliva alone doesn't pose a risk of infection. You probably weren't even exposed! But you know… just to be sure…"

Naruto was as still as a statue.

"So… okay. Well, I'll just leave that stuff with you. You should really call Shizune, though; she can explain all of this a lot better than I can. The medical details and junk, I mean. And make sure you go in for that blood test tomorrow! See you around, okay? Bye." And with that, she quickly stepped out the door.

Only to pop her head right back in again.

"Oh, sorry - one more thing," she explained, rushing her words together in a breathless, monotone jumble - not saving the worst for last, obviously; yet aware nonetheless of the impact her words would have. "You won't be able to compete in the third exam until you are medically cleared. Risk of exposure, blood-borne contaminants, blah blah blah. Okay, laters!"

Naruto remained where he was sitting, motionless.

Eventually, the apartment grew dark.

* * *

**A.N. III  
**

A lot of people really go wild with Anko having a blood _fetish_, rather than simply taking the Forest of Death scene as _yet another_ of the theatrical, over-the-top techniques the examiners use to intimidate the genin during the Chuunin Exam. Did she even mention it again in the manga? (If so, was it in a context other than teasing Naruto?)

It is _hardly _the most interesting aspect of her character, in any case.


	18. Everybody's a Critic II: Believe It!

**Believe It! (Everybody's a Critic II)**

* * *

Sasuke carried his blond teammate into the hospital. Naruto was rigid, and his skin was clammy and deathly pale.

"What happened?" asked Shizune, helping to lower Naruto onto a gurney.

"He found this website," Sasuke explained, racing with them to the OR. "There were all these _stories_, about Naruto and Team 7 and everyone."

"But what caused _this_," Sakura growled, quickly losing her patience.

"Of the Naruto stories, 50 percent had him dating the creepy Hyuuga chick, 40 percent had him dating _me,_ and most of the others had him as a girl. Hell, there were at least 20 stories that had him as a _cat!"_

"Kami! But that doesn't explain-"

"MPREG."

Everyone winced as the monitor suddenly flat-lined.

* * *

**A.N.**

There are actually more MPREG!Naruto stories on this site, than there are stories pairing Naruto with any woman other than Hinata. How completely messed up is that?

* * *

**A.N. II**

Whofer, Mefer? Nofer, Twofer.

* * *

**118. The _Real_ Reason Naruto Doesn't Date Much**

"C'mere, you foxy thing," Ami purred seductively, crawling across the satin sheets.

Without warning, Naruto punched her in the face just as hard as he could.

"Fuck you!" he snarled, pulling on his trousers. "Fuck _all_ of you! I'm just the _prison_, god damn it! There's a _difference_!"

And with that he finished grabbing the rest of his things and stormed out of her apartment.

Ami, finally snapping out of her initial shock, pressed her hand to her swollen cheek and burst into tears.

"That son of a_ bitch_," she wailed, kicking at the bedclothes. "What the hell crawled up _his_ ass?"

* * *

**A.N. III  
**

Not condoning domestic violence; I just don't think Naruto would be too keen on the whole, 'Foxy' thing.

The idea for this came from a conversation with a reviewer.


	19. Morning, Woody

**Morning, Woody**

* * *

Tenzou had never met the new Godaime Hokage, but after speaking with Naruto, he was sure that working for 'Old Lady Tsunade' was going to be a trial.

Let's face it: the village didn't have a great history of tolerance for people who had been, er, 'implanted' with something against their will; and this being her _grandfather's_ bloodline…

When he saw her in the flesh, however, those thoughts -and a good deal of blood- immediately went flying out of his head.

"Is that a _Moukuton _jutsu in your pocket," the busty blonde smirked. "Or are you just glad to see me?"

"_Then again_," Tenzou thought, breaking into a smile of his own. "_Maybe it _won't_ be so bad, after all_."

* * *

**A.N.**

Two-Fer.

* * *

**110. First, You Have to Get his Attention**

**

* * *

**

The _Nijū Shōtai_ had been in the field for several weeks, traveling hard and tracking down leads. There had only been a few actual encounters with Akatsuki in that time, mostly hit-and-run skirmishes intended to reveal the peculiar strengths (and possible weaknesses) of their S-class opponents. While they had not scored any decisive victories, strategic use of such limited engagements _had_ kept them from suffering any casualties, and the intel they had gathered through use of such tactics would be invaluable to the overall war effort.

For at this point, it was certainly clear to the more experienced among them that a full-scale war was indeed on the horizon. Their enemies were too strong, too well-organized, and too obviously intent on achieving their unknown goals at any cost -no matter _who _stood in their way- for there to be any hope to appease them diplomatically.

But those were matters that would be decided by other, more qualified (or at least, more highly paid) individuals, once they reported back to Konoha with the information they had been able to acquire.

As per their original orders, the Twenty Squads had just regrouped near a small town by the northern border, when Fortune suddenly deigned to smile upon them at last. By sheer coincidence (or so it seemed), they had stumbled upon the traitorous Uchiha Sasuke's location at what appeared to be a Hidden Sound advance base. It was a golden opportunity to take the renegade Sharingan wielder unawares.

Kakashi and a few of the other jounin had just begun to formulate their plan of attack, when a familiar voice shattered the still evening air.

"Bastard! You have to come back to Konoha with us now!"

So much for the element of surprise. As one, the Konoha nin heaved a collective sigh and shook their heads, then turned to the battle that was already erupting from the Sound encampment.

xxxxxxx

Sadly, 'ambush' or 'massacre' would have been the more appropriate term. Sasuke and the Oto nin seemed to be expecting the attack, and suddenly they were _everywhere_. They decimated the much smaller and ill-prepared Konoha force, killing every last man in relatively short order. Between them, Suigetsu and Juugo even managed to cut off all of Naruto's limbs, using highly-practiced, coordinated maneuvers against his… 'spontaneous' frontal assaults.

Whether in rage, frustration or disappointment, Sasuke killed them both - but left the Uzumaki where he lie, not sparing his former teammate a single word.

The 9-Tails was able to heal the wounds and keep its host from bleeding out, but could do nothing to regenerate the missing appendages.

xxxxxxx

ANBU, sent to investigate the disappearance of Konoha's missing elite several days later, eventually found him there, surrounded by the scavenged remains, shouting hoarsely for the 'Teme' to come back and face him. After following protocol for securing and sanitizing the scene, a turtle-masked nin strapped Naruto to his back and carried him back to Konoha.

xxxxxxx

Shock and horror spread throughout the village as whispered rumors of the battle slowly leaked from the Hokage Tower and the Hospital. In the end, a ceremony was scheduled to commemorate the fallen: a whole generation of heroes, a promise of greatness never before seen (and never fully realized); and all of them cut down in a nameless battle, for no good reason.

If the village of Konohagakure no Sato had been a very strong man, he would have died of a broken heart that day.

As it was, it would be the very last time anyone ever mentioned the 'Will of Fire' in the Village Hidden in the Leaves.

It didn't rain that day.

But then, it didn't have to.

xxxxxxx

"Sasuke will come back," Naruto tried to convince anyone who would listen. "He left me alive, didn't he? That _proves _it. We still have a bond."

People seldom returned for a second visit. It was difficult enough sitting through that sort of mindless, delusional nonsense the first time.

None would be so crass as to repudiate a quadriplegic veteran in his own home.

But they'd be _damned_ if they had to _agree_ with the limbless idiot. ("_Daddy_!" "_Sorry, Princess_.")

xxxxxxx

Naruto remained in his old apartment, living on a modest disability pension. Like all shinobi, he had arranged early on to have all of his bills automatically deducted from his account. His groceries were delivered by standing order once each week, left outside his door.

The time between visitors soon turned from days, to weeks, to months, to years.

xxxxxxx

Every cloud, as they say, has a silver lining.

Sasuke, seeing the weakened and demoralized state of the village, decided that attacking would be redundant, and pointless. There were no strong ninja left in the Leaf. He turned his sites instead to his last remaining relative.

Forgotten by the village, Naruto fell off the Akatsuki's radar. They had no idea where the 9-Tails' jinchuuriki had disappeared to; and with the constant delays in finalizing their plans, the organization eventually fell apart. Without the spiritual energy of the other members to reinforce the _Gedō Mazō_, Pein could no longer restrain the volatile energies of the the seven tailed-beasts that had previously been collected; that last look on Sasuke's face when he confronted Madara must surely have been priceless, believing that all of Amegakure had been instantaneously consumed in his final _Katon: Gōkakyū no Jutsu_ as the bijuu made their escape to the demon realm.

No one would ever know for sure, of course, as all that remained of Amegakure was a perfectly smooth, spherical basin that quickly filled with demonic chakra-charged rainwater.

In one of those freakish twists of irony that are really just _too _commonplace in the universe to be purely coincidental, the locals named the resulting lake, _Yata no Amaterasu_, after the Shinto legend.

xxxxxxx

Some eighty-odd years had passed before the immortal jinchuuriki finally came to accept the truth. He had screwed up, and it had cost the lives of all of his friends. Sasuke never did change, he never returned. In fact, deep down he had to admit that the cold-hearted bastard was probably long-since dead somewhere, just like all the others. They probably never had been friends; not really.

Naruto hung his head and wept.

But it made no difference whatsoever.

xxxxxxx

Deep in the mindscape, Kyuubi walked to the corner of the cage where Minato was sealed and pissed on it. There was no way in _hell _the little shit was ever going to go 9-tails now; it looked like they were _both _stuck where they were for the duration.

* * *

**A.N. II  
**

Nijū Shōtai = Twenty Platoons = task force of twenty four-man teams created by Tsunade to search for Akatsuki

Gedō Mazō = Demonic Statue of the Outer Path

Yata no Amaterasu = Mirror of Amaterasu = Yata no Kagami = sacred mirror that is part of the Imperial Regalia of Japan

It's one thing for Naruto to jump into a pitched battle to help one of his friends - that makes him look brave and selfless.

But I see this scene a lot: WeakAss!Naruto goes charging blindly in, dragging his friends into a potential disaster. And his friends just smile & shake their heads and say, "Oh, that knucklehead!" instead of saying, "I will never work with this idiot again." And no matter how many times it happens, this Naruto never learns his lesson.

To me, this just makes Naruto look undisciplined and unprofessional, and reckless with the lives of his companions (who don't have his unnatural healing ability). It shows a very superficial grasp of the character, confusing 'brash, bold and brave' (rushing in, showing little regard for his own welfare) with 'reckless, careless and criminally negligent' (rushing in, showing little regard for the welfare of his companions).

Is this true every time this scene plays out? No. Can there be mitigating factors? Yes. But sometimes it's little shit like this that shows you whether the writer is simply copying a scene from a cartoon or actually making an effort to define the characters.

xxxxxxx

I really prefer writing humor. A lot of my stories are getting to be the 'Damn, that guy just got his nuts blown off by an M-80!' _Jackass_ kind of (my god, that's horrible!) funny. But I'd rather be writing the 'Your mom left her phone at my house last night; check out the sick ring-tones I put on there.' kind of (hilarious, because Dude - your mom!) funny.

It's a subtle difference, but still.

(Oh, and Dude? Don't look at the pics on your mom's phone. Just trust me on this one, okay?)


	20. Pale Eyed Freak VII

**Pale-Eyed Freak VII**

* * *

Naruto and Sasuke faced each other from across the Valley of the End, both battered and bloody.

It would come down to one final, desperate attack.

"_Oodama Rasengan_!" shouted Naruto, charging at Sasuke, demonic red chakra flaring.

"_Habataku Chidori_!" shouted Sasuke, charging at Naruto, hand-like wings flapping.

The techniques collided, waves of power rippling the atmosphere as each drove their attack toward its target.

xxxxxxx

It was in that terrible, stop-motion clarity of battle that Naruto finally realized that Sasuke was actually going for the _kill_.

"_Kawarimi: Meat-Shield_!" he shouted.

One of the reasons the Hyuuga have that 'imperious and imperturbable' reputation is, it's simply too hard to tell if they look surprised: when the eyes are all one color, they never really appear to widen.

In her final moments, however, one could quite easily imagine that Hyuuga Hinata was _very_ surprised, indeed.

Sasuke, whose knife-hand was still firmly and inextricably entrenched in the smoking remains of the now-defunct Hyuuga's skull, was similarly (though not quite as _literally_) gob-smacked.

"So _that's_ why he acted so clueless all these years," he thought, right before Naruto took him down with a classic Bond axe-hand to the back of the neck.


	21. Peer Pressure

**Peer Pressure**

**

* * *

**

"Face it, Sakura," said Naruto, crossing his arms and glowering down at her. "Look at the most powerful ninja in our lives: _orphans_, the lot of them."

And thinking about it, Sakura got the sinking feeling that it was _true_: all the other members of Team 7 (Naruto, Sasuke, Kakashi), all the genin of Team Gai (Neji, Ten-Ten, Rock Lee), all three of the Sannin (Orochimaru, Jiraiya, Tsunade), Gaara & his siblings (Temari and Kankuro), Itachi, Anko, Yondaime, Shizune, Sai, Yamato, not to mention Iruka and Konohamaru …

"You want to stop dragging us down?" jeered her beloved Sasuke-kun, Sharingan glinting as he handed her a kunai. "You _know_ what has to be done."

xxxxxxx

Sakura had once said that Naruto was _lucky_, not having parents to constantly nag at him.

It looked like she was about to find out for herself.

* * *

**A.N.**

Itachi, Nagato, Konan, the other jinchuuriki...

When you stop to think about it, Naruto! has more orphans than a Disney movie. In some AU, the Akatsuki may simply be the basis for the "Village of Ninja Strong Enough to Have Families and Live 'til Retirement."


	22. Ganbatte ne!

**Ganbatte ne!**

**

* * *

**

Haku's thoughts were in turmoil as she began to make her way out of the clearing. This boy was supposed to be her _enemy_; but even after such a brief conversation, they just seemed so… _connected_.

When the time came, would she be able to harden her heart, and do what she must?

_Not_, she decided, if he wasn't fighting _her _seriously, as well. As weak and unskilled as he was, she knew her tender conscience wouldn't allow her to simply cut him down like a dog.

She turned once more to the young genin, before disappearing entirely in the evening shadows.

"By the way," she said. "I'm a _boy_."

It was as much as she could do, without betraying her master. She only hoped it would be enough.

* * *

**A.N.**

Because I'm inclined to think that canon Haku actually _was_ a girl, and she only said, "By the way... I'm a boy," so that Naruto wouldn't hold back in their upcoming battle. She knew what kind of guy he was, and she didn't want to further handicap him, if he found out he was 'fighting a _girl_'.

With that understanding, I very much like the title of this chapter - the quintessential Japanese, "_Let's do our best, okay?_"


	23. I Drink to Forget

**I Drink to Forget**

**

* * *

**

The Akatsuki Leader stared at the map showing the planned assault on Konoha.

In truth, everyone suspected that there was something… _amiss _with the guy.

What they _didn't_ know, was that he could remember absolutely _nothing _of his life before assembling their organization: it was as though all of his memories had been _sealed away_, taken from him.

All that remained in their place was a burning hatred for the Village Hidden in the Leaves, and the occasional, nagging twinge of guilt that he could never quite identify.

He brushed the spiky, once blond but now graying hair out of his steely blue eyes.

"_We strike at dawn_," he commanded.

* * *

**A.N.**

Before the 'Akatsuki Leader' was revealed -when all we saw of him was a spiky-haired silhouette- there was a lot of speculation as to who he might actually be.

Frankly -given the direction the manga subsequently followed- I'm thinking _this _would have been the better choice.


	24. VOTE I: Foolish Little Brother

**Foolish Little Brother - VOTE I**

**

* * *

**

Naruto and Sasuke, bloody and exhausted, lay on the rocky shore at the Valley of the End.

"He told me to live in hate," Sasuke whispered, eyes and fists both clenched in impotent rage. "He said that I should come to him, when I had the same eyes _he_ had."

"_Dude_," said Naruto, giving his friend an incredulous look. "That's kind of fucked up! I mean, the guy just slaughtered your _entire clan_,"

Sasuke winced at the memory, but Naruto carried blithely on.

"And you _really_ think this is someone who should be giving you career advice?"

'Understanding' was not a word used to describe Uzumaki Naruto - and with good reason.

In _his _experience, when someone was acting like a bonehead, you simply slapped them around until they got with the program.

It had always worked on _him,_ after all; and he had actually had a fair amount of success the few times he'd been in a position to try it for himself.¹

"I'm just saying," Naruto continued. "_'Consider the source'_, and all…"

Sasuke blinked. Once. Twice. And then he laughed.

"It _does _sound kind of retarded, when you put it like that," he agreed.

xxx

"So we go back to the village," said Naruto, summarizing their plan. "And we tell them the cursed seal was fucking with your head; but you were able to overcome it when I gave you the old, '_Those who abandon their friends_' spiel…"

"They will eat that shit up," Sasuke added enthusiastically. "And then we will milk them for every technique we can _get_."

"And then we'll put together a team that's _guaranteed_ to bring Itachi down," said Naruto, holding out his fist.

"_He'll never even see it coming,_" Sasuke grinned, bumping Naruto's knuckles with his own.

* * *

**A.N.**

¹Konohamaru, Inari, Neji, Gaara...

Konoha seriously needs to work on its trauma counseling. The whole, "Itachi told me to live in hate and spend my life as an Avenger" thing should have been smacked out of Sasuke on Day One.**  
**


	25. VOTE II

**VotE II**

**

* * *

**

Naruto and Sasuke, bloody and exhausted, lay on the rocky shore at the Valley of the End.

"Just stop, Naruto," he choked out. "I'm not going back, and I don't want to kill you."

Naruto, still catching his breath, looked confused.

"What?" he said. "Oh, you thought…!" and he began to laugh.

"…" Sasuke raised a delicately sculpted eyebrow, either in question or disapproval.

"I'm sorry," said Naruto, scratching the back of his neck and chuckling nervously. "But I'm not here to bring you _back_. I thought we were fighting because you didn't want me to come _with_ you."

Naruto explained that, if Sasuke felt the village was holding him back, it wasn't _his_ place to tell Sasuke it wasn't.

"We're teammates, so we should help each other to reach our goals," he said.

Sasuke simply stared in disbelief. Nearly everything he was sure he knew about the world had just been turned upside down.

"Besides," Naruto continued. "You remember back in Wave, when you took that hit for me? You asked me to kill your brother for you. You made me _promise. _So you kind of brought this on yourself."

Sasuke considered this new situation. Naruto was much stronger than he had ever realized, he had to admit that; strong enough to be a worthy rival, and teammate. And he _always_ kept his promises.

"But what about _your_ goal?" he finally asked, clearly settling into the idea. "Didn't you always want to be Hokage? That will be rather difficult to do, as a missing-nin," he smirked.

"I said that I would be _'greater than all the Hokages'_," Naruto clarified, eyes flashing red. "All the Hokages have given their lives for the village. What could be 'greater' than that? Try thinking outside the box for once."

Sasuke's eyes widened as he, too remembered something from the mission to Wave: something Naruto had said to a small boy named Inari, about what his life had been like in the village.

It seemed that they had much more in common than he had ever realized.

"Besides," Naruto continued with a smirk, "I _did_ promise Sakura I'd bring you back. And I can't _wait _to see the look on her face when I do."

* * *

**A.N.**

I think a big problem in a lot of stories is that Naruto is always dead set on changing Sasuke's mind - without bothering to understand Sasuke, or what _Sasuke_ wants. People try to oversimplify these characters to make them match up - "Oh, they're both orphans, and they're both trying to get stronger, and they're rivals..." But that's hogwash. They _are_ both orphans, but they both have _completely_ different life experiences. They _aren't _brothers and they_ aren't_ best friends. And as far as being rivals goes, Sasuke is gunning for _Itachi_, a top-ranked ninja by anybody's standards - why on earth would he be interested in comparing himself to a buffoon like Naruto? Naruto is not even on his radar.

That's not to say that there aren't moments where Sasuke's armor cracks - on the dock where he learned the fire jutsu, on the bridge in Wave where he took Haku's senbon in Naruto's place - and I think these are opportunities to develop that show that Sasuke is _capable_ of caring for other people. But when all Sasuke gets is, _"You bastard! You can't leave the village! You can't have your revenge!"_ - Well, _no wonder _he thinks selling his body to Orochimaru is the better choice.


	26. Oh, THAT Orochimaru

**Oh, _That_ Orochimaru**

**

* * *

**

Tsunade sat at her desk in the Hokage's Office, watching as Naruto and the others filed out.

She had just passed along the latest information from Jiraiya's spy network, telling them that they would have three years to prepare before Orochimaru would be able to use his body-transfer technique on the renegade Uchiha. That gave them some breathing room.

As she started to reach for her 'secret' sake stash, however, she noticed that she was not, in fact, _alone_. The young Nara boy, Shikamaru, had not moved from his place by the wall, a pensive expression on his face.

"Is there something you _needed_, Chuunin?" Tsunade asked, her somewhat terse tone making it clear that he was overstaying his welcome.

"Forgive me, Hokage-sama," said the Nara - though _his _response, in turn, made it apparent that he felt _he_ was the one being interrupted. "But did Jiraiya-sama _say_ that we should call off the retrieval mission?"

Whether or not she perceived the slight to her judgment or authority, Tsunade was, at least, more interested in ending this conversation quickly and getting back to some serious drinking than pursuing it. Instead, she simply relayed the message the toad had delivered.

"_Orochimaru had to switch bodies prematurely,"_ it had read. _"He still has 3 years until he takes the Uchiha's body to get the Sharingan!"_

"So you _see_," Tsunade concluded. "There's no reason for us to go off half-cocked. We have _plenty _of time to prepare."

Sighing, Shikamaru shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. He could already _feel _the migraine coming on.

"_Troublesome blondes,"_ he thought_. "Am I cursed somehow? Ino, Naruto, Temari, Tsunade… Maybe I should ask at the temple, the next time we go to examine their herd: they might have some kind of _omamori, _to ward against blond-haired gremlins…"_

"Was there anything _else_, Chuunin?" Tsunade interrupted again, growing somewhat testy at the boy's continued presence.

"_I don't _need_ a drink," she thought to herself. I just _want_ one. There's a _difference_. It's been a very long day…"_

If the first step toward recovery was admitting that you have a problem, then Tsunade was only one step away._  
_

"Wasn't Orochimaru the one who did all those illegal genetic experiments?" said Shikamaru, calling her back to task and walking her through it, step by step. "_Maybe _the message implies that we should be more concerned about what he will be doing with Sasuke _before_ the transfer."

Give the woman some credit: Tsunade's genjutsu never wavered. Shikamaru, however, could practically _hear_ it as her brain rebooted.

"_3,2,1…"_ he ticked off a silent countdown inside his head.

"Shizune!" Tsunade shouted. "Get everyone back in here! _Now!"_

xxxxxxx

Most people would consider Orochimaru's experiments with the cloned-Sharingan-implanted, curse-sealed shock troops a failure. Oh sure, it worked - in the same sense that running a jeep on jet fuel worked: running fast as hell until you shut it off, whereupon the engine melted into a puddle of useless slag.

Orochimaru, however, smiled triumphantly as his army marched on the Hidden Leaf. After all, he only _needed_ them once - and there were _plenty _more where they came from.

* * *

**A.N.**

Omamori = a talisman issued by a Shinto shrine or Buddhist temple; whereas an _ofuda _is said to protect a whole family, an _omamori _offers support for personal benefits.

xxxxxxx

This is where the manga totally went to shit for me. "It's okay, everyone - Orochimaru just switched bodies, so we've got 3 years to get Sasuke back. No hurry!"

The 'Sasuke Retrieval' mission wasn't about rescuing their _buddy _- it was about keeping the Sharingan out of Orochimaru's hands. Bring Sasuke back - _dead or alive_ - was the imperative.

Like Zabuza said, they were just _pretending _to be ninja after this.


	27. That's Different, Dammit!

**That's Different, Dammit!**

**

* * *

**

Team 7 was on the bridge, waiting for Kakashi. Naruto was leaning against the railing, listening to an MP3 player.

After waiting another half-hour or so, Sasuke finally asked (much to the blond boy's surprise), "What are you listening to?"

Naruto enthusiastically named the band, and their latest CD.

"Ah," said Sasuke. "Did you buy that on iTunes, or one of those music sites?"

"_As if_!" snorted Naruto, rolling his eyes. "Who do I look like, _you_? You don't have to _pay _for music on the internets."

"Ah," said Sasuke. "So you _stole _it."

"Oh, don't start with me, High-and-Mighty-san," Naruto said. "That whole 'music piracy' thing is a _scam_."

"Oh, really?" asked Sasuke. "Doesn't that material belong to someone else?"

"So?" Naruto countered. "It's not like it's a physical object. It's not like they don't still _own_ it, or can't use it anymore."

"Ah," said Sasuke. "But what about the _money _that they should be making, performing that material? Aren't they losing that?"

"That's just what the Government and the Special Interests _want _you to believe," Naruto explained. "The _truth _is, the quality of the copy is much less than the original; and the people who want the original are _still _willing to pay for it, in any case."

"Ah," said Sasuke. "So you're saying, there's no downside to this at all?"

"Well," Naruto smirked. "I _do_ get a lot of viruses. But you have to expect a little bad with the good."

"So let me see if I've got this straight," said Sasuke, summing up.

"You don't think you're _stealing _the material, because the original owner still retains ownership and can still perform the material,"

"You think the Government and Special Interests have manipulated public opinion regarding people who copy this material,"

"You think that, since the copy is of lesser quality and the original performer is still recognized as superior, you are not causing any _harm _to the original performer,"

"And while you admit that the technique _can _be harmful to yourself, you feel that the benefit far outweighs the price - in your opinion,"

"Did I get all that right?" asked Sasuke.

"Well, _yeah_..." said Naruto, somewhat put off by his teammate's rather... _rigorous_ analysis of something that he himself considered a mundane, commonplace activity. "I guess. But say, why are you so interested in this stuff? It doesn't seem like _your _kind of thing at all."

"Actually," said Sasuke. "It sounds _precisely_ like 'my kind of thing'. I was just wondering how far you would go to defend your own actions, when you bitch so much about the _Sharingan_."

Naruto sputtered like a... well, you know.

"Besides," Sasuke continued. "At least with the Uchiha you _know_ when we're 'recording' your 'material' - we've got these big red LED eyes, after all - not like your creepy fangirl over there in the bushes."

xxxxxxx

Surveying the damage after he arrived ten minutes later, Kakashi swore to himself that it would be the _last _time he was late for another team meeting.


	28. What Happens in Tanzaku Gai

**What Happens in Tanzaku Gai **

* * *

Team 7 was standing on the bridge, waiting for their sensei.

Naruto had his back to the railing, reading a scroll.

Sasuke was leaning on the railing a bit further down, looking out across the water.

Sakura was standing next to Sasuke, fingers laced and bridged behind her head, trying to… draw Sasuke's attention.

Hinata was hidden in the bushes, waiting for Naruto to notice her.

_While she was hidden in the bushes._

Suddenly, Sakura heard a noise.

At least, she_ thought_ she heard a noise. But it couldn't have been _that_, could it?

And there it was again.

Now, as Sakura herself would be the first to state (in shrill, piercing tones akin to a band saw dismembering a frozen corpse), she "ate, drank and _breathed_ Sasuke."

But this…

This was outside her realm of experience. This sort of… bodily function was so unlike the cool, controlled Uchiha, that she almost hesitated to ask him about it, for fear of embarrassing the boy.

_Almost._

"Sasuke-kun, did you just…?"

But the boy in question merely looked away.

And then, there it was again. And there was no denying it now.

Uchiha Sasuke -who was usually so anal-retentive that it wasn't just his _fan-girls_ who thought he shat diamonds- was actually... _laughing._

Not the ill-concealed snort that _might_ have been a cough, that Sakura had heard previously. Not a chuckle, not a titter, not a giggle.

Sasuke was actually red-faced, half-lying on the railing to support himself, tears streaming from his eyes as he guffawed, as he hooted, as he virtually _howled_ with laughter.

"And then," he choked out between breathless chortling. "_And then!_ She said she actually had a _fantasy_ about _little fox ears_. And a _tail!"_

And with that, the Uchiha collapsed on his back, on the bridge, gasping for air and shaking in the afterglow.

Sakura - who for obvious reasons did _not_ have a "CHOKE" button on the side of her head and so kept misfiring on empty mental cylinders - finally turned to the other boy present, in hopes of some rational explanation. But if her raven-haired teammate's behavior was uncharacteristic, then the _blond's_ was downright _unnatural._

Naruto seemed shrouded in a dark cloud. His bangs shadowed his eyes, and the ambient temperature actually seemed to be _dropping_ in his vicinity.

"And _that,"_ he sniffed. "Is why I never take you guys anywhere."

* * *

**A.N.**

_"What Happens in Tanzaku Gai, Stays in Tanzaku Gai"_

To clarify for my friends from overseas (Trinidad and Tobago? Seriously? That's awesome!), the chapter title refers to an old advertising campaign for Las Vegas, Nevada.

A "choke" is a plate at the opening of a carburetor which when engaged, restricts the airflow, thereby further reducing the absolute pressure in the carb, causing the fuel to come through the jet at a higher rate. (In other words, when you apply the choke, it sucks more gasoline into the engine.)  
The button labeled "CHOKE" on many small engines these days (lawnmowers, etc.) are actually _primers_, injecting a small amount of gas into the engine manually to help 'jump-start' the internal combustion process.

Yes, I understand that Hinata is not a part of Team 7; but seeing as she is _always there_, some may feel it is rude to simply ignore her. Consider it an attempt to be more even-handed on my part. A gesture of goodwill, as it were.

Okay, show of hands: half-way through, how many people actually thought Sasuke farted?


	29. Character Flaw

**Character Flaw**

**

* * *

**

"Troublesome," said Shikamaru, glaring at Ino's retreating back - who had, once again, taken his lackadaisical mumbling for tacit acquiescence to her 'request'.

"Troublesome, troublesome, troublesome," he repeated.

"Seriously, is it too freaking troublesome to use a god-damned _thesaurus_?"

"I'm supposed to be a _genius!_ But somehow, _every other word out of my mouth_ is 'troublesome'."

"Siddhartha H. Buddha on a Popsicle stick, I ask you - if I have an IQ of over-200, what the _hell_ do I need a _catchphrase_ for?"

"I mean, it's okay for a character in a _manga_, who only appears in one or two panels; but actually trying to engage in a proper conversation with someone? Sweet kami on a cracker, it's not only preposterous, it's annoying as hell!"

xxxxxxx

He was still cursing when Naruto found him, twenty minutes later.

"Hey, Buddy," greeted Naruto, "Feel like getting some lunch? I hear that new place makes an _awesome_ fish taco."

"Fuck off," said Shikamaru, though lacking any heat to his words.

"Aw, come on," Naruto wheedled. "It's a taco! With Fish! Mmmm, _yummy,"_ rubbing his tummy and smacking his lips to emphasize what a tasty treat was being proffered.

"I am not in the mood, Naruto."

"Okay, okay," said Naruto, trying to mollify his tetchy friend. "What happened, Ino yank your leash too hard?"

"Bitch, please!" A pause. "Well, yeah. Pretty much," Shikamaru admitted.

"Why don't you just stand up to her?" asked the naïve blond, demonstrating an appalling lack of self-awareness.

"Not. Gonna. Happen." rejoined Shikamaru, with what was, _almost, _a perceptible shiver.

"Well, do you want _me_ to talk to her?" volunteered Naruto.

"Whatever," shrugged Shikamaru. "It's too big a pain in the ass to argue about." Finally caving, as he seemed preternaturally disposed to doing.

"You know," said Naruto, scratching his chin and staring thoughtfully at his listless friend. "There's something different about you, but I just can't put my finger on what it is."


	30. Intelligence?

**Intelligence?**

**

* * *

**

Danzo looked over the _Ne_ mission reports with a measuring eye. (He had the whole set: measuring eye, appraising eye, judicious eye, eagle eye, eye for beauty, eye of the beholder, eye of the tiger. He kept them in a box in his desk. They were Plug & Play.)

The ANBU Torture and Interrogation Division, the public face of Konoha's intelligence service, was, of course, a misbegotten failure as an intelligence asset. Information gained under torture was completely unreliable - the source would simply say _anything_ in order to stop the pain. Many of the detainees, if not exactly 'innocent', were at least ignorant of those particular crimes with which they were being charged. And in the international arena, once Konoha publicly took the position that it considered torture a legitimate method of 'tactile persuasion', they forfeited any recourse to protest when their _enemies_ took the same position. And enemy soldiers actually fought _harder_ now, to avoid capture - since they were no longer assured of ethical treatment as POWs. Konoha also lost face among its allies, who felt that such treatment of prisoners was reprehensible. So much for being the 'Good Guys'.

And so, the _real _mission of intelligence operations - the real story behind everything you read in the newspaper - fell to _Ne_, the silent sentinels, the hidden hand holding the dagger behind the Sandaime's grandfatherly public façade.

A ninja's greatest tool was deception, after all. And the same could be said for a ninja _village_, as well. Just as Naruto, jinchuuriki of the 9-Tailed Demon Fox, could hide his strength and intent behind the mask of an incompetent prankster, so too could Konoha put forth the image of an honorable, peace-loving ally.

The paperwork incumbent to sustain such a ruse, however, was simply _unbelievable._

Danzo shuffled through the reports.

Operation: Acoustic Kitty had looked good on paper. The Fire Daimyo's wife's cat, Tora, had been surgically implanted with a microphone, antenna and chakra battery. This should have given _Ne_ the perfect 'Inside Man' in the royal court - one with total access to the most intimate conversations. Unfortunately, the blasted feline kept running away, every time the Daimyo (a shrill little man, rather comically mismatched to his heavyset spouse) opened his mouth to speak.

There were a number of operations underway throughout the Elemental Nations that were subsumed under the larger rubric of Operation: MKULTRA. This was originally conceived to be a program to test various drugs and poisons for military and intelligence uses, but quickly spun off a Byzantine array of interrelated undertakings. Such subsidiary operations even included trading drugs (thus weakening the target country's economy, healthcare resources, potential ninja recruits, etc.) for weapons from another country (thus enhancing a strategic alliance), which would then in turn be used to arm revolutionaries in yet a third country (causing political unrest, destabilizing the legitimate government, and creating another strategic alliance - provided it didn't bite them in the ass and create a fanatical _new_ enemy, instead).

And if the farmers in Earth and Wind countries were raising hashish and opium instead of grain, it created yet another potential weakness to exploit. Sabotaging crops in country _x_ would cause economic hardship, concomitant declines in public morale and productivity, an increase in crime, and a decrease in military power as country _x_ was forced to trade with county _y_ for basic subsistence. Work was being done with the Aburame members of _Ne_ to field vectors of weevils, locusts and fruit flies to destroy crops. Termites and carpenter ants were also being trained to destroy infrastructure.

Further work was also being done with other Aburame to study the feasibility of employing insects as vectors for germ warfare: fleas could transmit Bubonic Plague; mosquitoes could transmit Malaria, Dengue fever, and Yellow fever; tsetse flies could transmit human African trypanosomiasis, aka 'African sleeping sickness'; triatomine bugs could transmit Chagas disease; and Ticks could transmit Lyme disease and babesiosis. Any disease, no matter how trivial, could have a substantial impact on a country's economy. A mild case of the flu could cause millions of lost man-hours of productivity - and as an added benefit, a sick ninja made mistakes.

Operation: Mongoose was intended to destabilize the Hidden Rain, and some of the more piddling measures included dosing the country's leader with hallucinogens before public-speaking engagements in an attempt to damage his credibility. The status of this operation was currently unknown, however, as the country was under complete lockdown.

Operation: Bay of Pigs had been a costly and dismal failure. Supporting a revolution against the Sandaime Mizukage, led by one of Mist's own _Kiri no Shinobigatana Nananin Shū_, the legendary Demon of the Hidden Mist, Momochi Zabouza, had gone completely pear-shaped right out of the box. On the bright side, however, the bloodline purges that the Mizukage had enacted as a consequence _had_ reduced the Mist's overall ability to project force.

Operation: Northwoods had been put on the back-burner for the time-being. It was a plan to perform a series of violent terrorist actions within Konoha itself, including bombings, hijackings, phony riots, and sabotage, all of which would then be blamed on Iwa. This would drum up support for a war against the Rock and lead to the usual grandstanding call on Danzo's part to remove the Sandaime from power.

All part of the charade.

Danzo sighed, signing off on the last of the expense vouchers and reaching for the sake bottle that had become his own _personal _'silent sentinel'.

_"When did ruling the world get to be so complicated?"_ he reflected. Retirement was actually beginning to sound like an inviting option.

* * *

**A.N.**

Oh, please. Like _your_ country's intelligence assets are baking cookies and performing benefit concerts.

These are based on actual CIA operations. You can Google the names for yourself. Example (from Wikipedia):

_"Acoustic Kitty_ was a CIA project launched by the Directorate of Science & Technology in the 1960s attempting to use cats in spy missions. A battery and a microphone were implanted into a cat and an antenna into its tail. Due to problems with distraction, the cat's sense of hunger had to be addressed in another operation. Surgical and training expenses are thought to have amounted to over $20 million.  
The first cat mission was eavesdropping on two men in a park outside the Soviet compound on Wisconsin Avenue in Washington, D.C. The cat was released nearby, but was hit and killed by a taxi almost immediately. Shortly thereafter the project was considered a failure and declared to be a total loss."


	31. The Greatest Good

**The Greatest Good (for People like Me)**

**

* * *

**

The Hokage stood before the Council.

"For the sake of the village," he said. "It must be so."

"The greatest good, for the greatest number," the Council of Elders intoned.

"Actually," interrupted Nara Shikaku. "There's a _reason_ no civilized nation on earth embraces utilitarianism as a doctrine."

Utatane Koharu sniffed disdainfully. "And what, pray tell, might that be? Certainly we are acting in the best interest of everyone."

"Is that right?" challenged Shikaku. "That's easily said, sitting here in this sequestered chamber, making decisions that will affect _other _people's lives, without fear for your _own_."

"After all," he continued. "You _do_ always seem to be included in that 'greatest number' that _ends up_ with the 'greatest good'."

"Surely you are not suggesting," growled Mitokado Homura. "That we are acting in anything less than good faith?"

"If I may demonstrate," said Shikaku. "With the help of Jiraiya and Yuuhi Kurenai, I have devised an elementary genjutsu seal, which I call, 'The Veil of Ignorance'. While you are within range of this seal, here within the Council Chamber, and under the influence of this genjutsu, you will have absolutely no recollection of your personal identity. You will not remember your name, your age, your gender, your station, your education level, or any other factor that sets you apart from anyone else."

"And you believe that this will ensure that our acts are motivated by a sense of justice?" asked the Hokage.

"On the contrary," said Shikaku. "It will ensure that you act out of blind self-interest. But it will be a self-interest that will apply to _everyone_ equally, which will _result_ in justice."

"Proceed with the demonstration," commanded the Hokage, confident that he had always treated all of the villagers like his very own family.

"Very well," Shikaku replied, making several hand-signs and activating the seal. _"Veil of Ignorance: Fuuin!"_

xxxxxxx

"The first matter before the Council," Shikaku said. "Regards whether we will take measures to impede the power of the Kyuubi jinchuuriki: e.g., withhold knowledge of heritage and clan assets, withhold training, ensure that the individual remains socially isolated, allow the other villagers to treat the individual with abuse and contempt, et cetera."

_"Holy crap, is he talking about me?"_ thought all the council members simultaneously.

"We have heard expert testimony that the _Shiki Fuujin_ seal is intact, and there is no question concerning the jinchuuriki's loyalty," prompted Shikaku.

The motion was swiftly rejected by unanimous decision.

Uzumaki Naruto, who had, without permission or agency, begun his life as a sacrifice for the sake of others, was about to find the village of his birth a _very_ different sort of place, indeed.

* * *

**A.N.**

A lot of people in the Naruto-verse (both canon and fanon) like to jump on the utilitarianism bandwagon. Hey, that's cool - unless, of course, _you're_ the poor bastard they want to turn into a jinchuuriki.

The problem with utilitarianism is, it's not _just_: utilitarianism says it's okay to screw innocent people over, so long as a greater number of people benefit. But that's not really fair, is it?

John Rawls attempted to correct for this using a technique he called the 'Veil of Ignorance'. (See Wikipedia for Rawls' Theory of Justice.)

Here's another good thought experiment from Wikipedia:  
"A brilliant transplant surgeon has five patients, each in need of a different organ, each of whom will die without that organ. Unfortunately, there are no organs available to perform any of these five transplant operations. A healthy young traveler, just passing through the city the doctor works in, comes in for a routine checkup. In the course of doing the checkup, the doctor discovers that his organs are compatible with all five of his dying patients. Suppose further that if the young man were to disappear, no one would suspect the doctor."

"Is it permissible for the doctor to murder this patient and harvest his organs?"

Some interpretations of utilitarianism would say yes. Sucks to be you, if you're the 'healthy young traveler'.

Which is the basis for the 'Veil of Ignorance' - it implies that you have a lot more skin in the game. You _just might be_ the traveler (or the doctor, or one of the patients). So what decision seems best now?


	32. I SUCK AT SUMMARIES!

**I SUCK AT SUMMARIES!**

**

* * *

**

Naruto discovrs that Hianta is actually his long lost twin sister. But the crazy thing is, she have a dick, and he have the sharnigan! Will there forbidden love survive? Hyuchiacest gone wild! Massive Lemones! Harem (Naruto x Hina/Katsuya/Saru/Kubikiri/Chiyo/HP/Ramen)DON'T LIKE DON'T READ!1  
Rated: M - English - Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 4 - Words: 9,582 - Reviews: 637

* * *

**A.N.**

And _I_ suck at mammaries. Everybody needs a hobby, I guess. (Ba-dum ching! Hey-o!)  
Seriously, I don't feel like I can even take credit for this one.

* * *

**A.N. II  
**

Stop calling me. (How the hell did you people find out where I work, anyway?) It's not a real story.**  
**


	33. Legendary Sucker I

**Legendary Sucker I**

**

* * *

**

Tsunade walked into the Ichiraku Ramen Stand, looking for Naruto.

She was not surprised to find him there, sitting at a table with a few of the other genin; he had, after all, become rather popular following his exploits in the Chuunin Exam/failed Sand-Sound Invasion. What _did _surprise her, however, was the discovery that they were playing a game of cards.

What was even _more _puzzling was the fact that the cards that they were using were 'Nin-Cards'® - promotional cards with photos and 'Nin-formation'™ about popular village ninja, distributed in the Fire Country's public schools. ("Remember, Kids - Stay in School! Stay off Drugs! Stay away from Missing-Nin!"©)

As they noticed her approach, the genin quickly moved to put the cards away.

"That's all right," Tsunade reassured them, with a bit of a predatory glint in her eye. "There's nothing wrong with a nice, relaxing game of cards between _friends_."

She pictured herself a shark amongst guppies. She had been played this way _herself _so many times over the years, losing untold fortunes... With _that _kind of experience, the act should have come as naturally to her as titanic breasts and perfect chakra control.

So really, it could only have been some kind of abnormality at the _genetic _level that rendered her utterly incapable of pulling it off.

"I _am _curious though," she continued. "What kind of game you could possibly be playing with those _Nin-Cards_®?"

"It's a game _Naruto _invented," Sakura piped up quick as you please, earning a glare and a throat-slashing gesture from the boy in question. "He calls it, 'Numero Uno'."

"And how do you play?" asked Tsunade, with little anime fires in her eyes that would have been much more appropriate had she been talking about giving one's life for the village, or passing the torch to the next generation, or some other kind of inspirational shit like that.

Kiba, another natural-born brown-noser, fielded that one. "All the cards have a value, just like regular cards," he explained. "The Sannin are some of the highest, and your assistant Shizune is one of the lowest. Uchiha Itachi is a wild card."

"Ah, so the cards must be rated by how _powerful _the ninja is?" Tsunade guessed, not surprising anyone by choosing the possibility most flattering to herself.

"Not exactly," said Neji, always ready, willing and able to cut _someone else's_ ego down to size. "It's more how self-absorbed they are, combined with how little regard they have for the welfare of others."

"_19, 18, 17…"_ Shikamaru ticked off a silent countdown inside his head.

"Read 'em and weep," said Naruto, fanning out a Royal Flush of Orochimaru, Tsunade, Jiraiya, Kakashi and Minato.

"He _always_ wins," groused Sasuke, who had come _so close_ this time with a Full House, Madaras over… Sasukes.

"Well, to be _fair_," consoled Ino. "Nobody _else _gets to use Yondaime as a wild card."

* * *

**A.N.**

In canon, all of the characters are completely self-absorbed and narcissistic, with no regard whatsoever for what may happen to others as they pursue their own selfish desires. They all betray the values they _supposedly_ hold with 75 percent or more of their actions.

Nice work, Kishi.

(I guess that also explains why he thinks he can turn his dumbest character into Ninja!Jesus.)


	34. Evil Naruto I

**Evil Naruto I**

**

* * *

**

"Oh, H-H-Hinata!" said Naruto, clutching her tightly and sobbing into her blue-black locks. "I n-n-need y-y-you!"

Hinata was beside herself. They were the words she had always longed to hear; her crush was finally holding her in his arms; and yet, something seemed… _off_.

"Ano, Naruto-kun?" she interjected. "You're getting my hair all snotty."

Naruto sniffed. "S-s-sorry," he said. "It's just that I l-l-love y-y-you so m-m-much!"

"Ano, about that," said Hinata. "I think this may have been a mistake. You're a lot… _different_ than I thought you were."

Naruto's jaw was working furiously, but no sound was coming out. The waterworks, however, were in full effect.

"That's what I _mean_," Hinata continued. "You're acting like some kind of sniveling emo crybaby! If I'd wanted to date a blond _chick,_ I'd have stalked _Ino_."

xxxxxxx

"Can we still be _friends_?" Naruto grinned, pocketing the bottle of eye drops Tsunade had given him.

But Hinata had already walked off, reflecting on how she had wasted her life.

* * *

**A.N.**

Naruto and Hinata? That's just absurd. If Naruto were the kind of guy that 'needed' Hinata (as people keep trying to tell me), he would not be the guy Hinata is supposedly attracted to: confident, optimistic and indomitable.

And Naruto, in turn, is going to want someone bright and loud and fun - the things he wants _more of_ in his life - not someone who reminds him of being alone, and most assuredly not someone who is unwilling to stand up for herself. (Look how much _Inari _pissed him off with that very same attitude.)

But I _did _make Hinata all confident & stand up for herself here. Where's the love?


	35. Back to the Drawing Board

**Back to the Drawing Board (That's Different, Dammit! II)**

**

* * *

**

Minato had just explained his idea for the _Hiraishin_ to Kushina.

"So you do a _Kawarimi_ with a kunai?" asked Kushina.

"No!" shouted Minato, for what seemed like the hundredth time. "There's a _seal_ on the kunai! It's teleportation!"

"You mean like _Shunshin_?" asked Kushina, still not getting it.

"No," growled Minato. "It's like a summoning. The seal on the kunai _pulls_ me to it."

"You mean like the scrolls from the Chuunin Exams?" asked Kushina, more confused than ever. Her boyfriend seemed to be all over the place with this one.

"No! Well, er, that is…" Minato floundered. Actually, under examination, his awesome new technique really _did_ seem an awful lot like the basic _Kawarimi_, the _Shunshin_, and the summoning scrolls used in the Chuunin Exams.

"Maybe you should just keep working on your wind manipulation, Flash," said Kushina, patting him on the shoulder.

"I _hate_ it when she calls me that," sulked Minato.

* * *

**A.N.**

The _Hiraishin_ just doesn't seem that impressive to me; not when a 10-year old Academy student can do the _Kawarimi._


	36. Zabuza was Right

**Zabuza was Right**

**

* * *

**

"So let me get this straight," said Shikamaru. "You can use your clones to do a year's worth of training in a single day; but you don't _want_ to, because… _Why_, exactly?"

"It feels like I'm _cheating,"_ whined Naruto.

"You are a complete fucking moron," said Shikamaru, stalking off.

"_Say what you will about the Uchiha,"_ he thought, _"But at least __he__ doesn't treat being a hired killer like it's some sort of __game__."_

_

* * *

_

**A.N.**

Cheating? What do you think this is, the _Olympics_?

This is the kind of argument that appeals to the NaruHina mentality: the successful are despised for their 'unfair advantages' (e.g., looks, popularity, skill, wit, etc.) by the _unsuccessful _people _wishing_ -and _only _wishing, rather than putting in the effort to develop their _own _potential- to 'magically' acquire those same qualities themselves.

Of course, Kishi also opened up a whole fucked-up can of worms with the god-like powers of the Sharingan and the _Kage Bunshin_. The characters' abilities were suddenly off the charts, and their enemies/rivals had to be exponentially more powerful in turn. Now, instead of ninja using chakra-based techniques to render effects similar to Industrial-era weapons (and limited in their use by factors such as strength, experience and affinity), we basically had Clash of the Titans.


	37. Equivalent Exchange

**Equivalent Exchange**

**

* * *

**

The Kyuubi stared down at Naruto.

"So what you're saying," said Naruto. "Is that the _Shiki Fuujin_ bound our souls together; but the _Kage Bunshin_ technique uses a small fraction of the caster's soul as a matrix for the clone every time the technique is cast. And since I have spammed _millions_ of clones in battle and training…"

"You no longer have a soul," said Kyuubi. "Hence I am no longer bound. Yes, that about sums it up."

Naruto gulped. His father, wherever he was, was going to be _pissed_.

"Time to pay the piper," Kyuubu grinned.

xxxxxxx

As he strolled away from the smoking ruins of Konohagakure no Sato, the Kyuubi couldn't help but giggle a bit at the irony. The Uzumaki would not be with him much longer, to be sure; but it was certainly refreshing, being the one _outside_ the stomach for a change.

* * *

**A.N.**

I don't want to get into a 'Xeno's Arrow' type argument here (infinite divisibility); and presumably, if the _memories_ return, the _soul_ would, also. That's not the point I'm trying to make.

But there must be _good_ reasons for the _Tajū __Kage Bunshin_ to be a kinjutsu: otherwise, it gives Naruto (or anyone else with large chakra stores) unlimited potential.

So does he experience the death of his clones? Does he experience the subjective aging (or at least temporal displacement) that living life at a 1000:1 ratio would imply? Do the clones have the potential to become self-aware, and plot to eliminate and replace the original?

If it's just the occasional headache, _every_ kage-level ninja would be doing this. (Hell, your average _jounin _could double or triple his training with just 1 or 2 clones.)


	38. Perspective

**Perspective**

**

* * *

**

"I'd _hate _to be like you!" Inari shouted. "You don't know _anything _about us! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO SUFFER!"

"Really?" Naruto asked, his eyes narrowing imperceptibly.

"This one," he said, jerking a thumb toward Kakashi, giggling over his porn. "Talks in his sleep."

"This one," Naruto continued, with a nod towards Sasuke, sitting with arms crossed and a taciturn expression on his face. "Calls me his 'Best Friend' and cries like a girl when he drinks."

"And _this _one," he rounded out the group, pointing at the shrill, lovesick fan-girl. "Sings Miley Cyrus in the shower every morning at 5 A.M."

"And you're saying_ I_ don't know what it's like to _suffer?"_

The little boy ran to his room in tears.

"Naruto!" hissed Sakura. "That wasn't very nice!"

"I calls 'em like I sees 'em," Naruto shrugged.


	39. PaleEyed Freak VIII

**Pale-Eyed Freak VIII**

**

* * *

**

"As a genin, she will be surrounded by death..." said Yuuhi Kurenai, newly-promoted jounin-sensei of Team 8.

"She is weak, talentless, and pathetic," sneered the Hyuuga patriarch, with icy disdain. "Do with her what you will; the clan has no use for one such as her."

"I understand, Hiashi-sama," she said, taking the hint. "Please entrust her to my care."

It would happen on a mission. The honor of the Hyuuga would be restored.

"_And then,"_ thought Kurenai wistfully, as she tugged at her slipping bandages. _"Maybe l can _finally _get that new dress."_

_

* * *

_

**A.N.**

Yeah, I know - _"That's not what they said on Cartoon Network!"_

But this is actually a scene from canon (manga chapter 78, page 10). Hiashi expected Hinata to _at least_ have the good grace to die on a mission, and stop being such an embarrassment to the clan.

But no; she couldn't even do _that _right.

How can you _blame _the poor guy for being so disappointed in her?

Ungrateful, that's what I call it.

xxxxxxx

But here's the _real _mystery: Hiashi is _clearly _casting Hinata aside in that scene. So why doesn't she have the Caged Bird seal? Why is she still considered the clan heiress?

Is it a translation problem? If that flashback were legitimate, then it would pretty much invalidate any reason Neji might have to resent her; yet Hinata still wears her hitai-ate around her neck, rubbing Neji's nose in the fact that she does not have the seal. It just doesn't add up.

It doesn't seem like a Main House Hyuuga would even be _permitted _to become a ninja, given the possibility that they might die on a mission outside of the village & risk having their eyes taken. The fact that Hinata was allowed to join the shinobi ranks further supports the argument that she had been relegated to the Branch Family._  
_


	40. Onitoubu

**Onitoubu**

**

* * *

**

Iruka was white as a sheet, and shaking in fear. Most of the students had passed out. Several had soiled themselves.

Naruto withdrew the red chakra from the technique he'd picked up fighting Haku, and dusted his hands together.

"Now _that_," he said with a wry grin, "Is how you do a Demon-Head Jutsu."


	41. Are You Going to Eat That?

**Are You Going to Eat That?**

**

* * *

**

Anko was standing in front of the Hokage's desk, answering to recent citizen complaints.

"What do you mean, I can't dress like this anymore?" she shouted. "I've worn this same outfit my whole life!" She made a loose gesture indicating her fishnet bodysuit, miniskirt, and trench coat.

"Yes, but _Anko_," Tsunade sighed wearily, "You didn't used to weigh _three hundred pounds_."

And it was true: the once lithe toukubetsu jounin now resembled Konohamaru's first effort at the _Oiroke no Jutsu_. She had something of a 'sausage-bunshin' effect going on.

Anko's lip quivered, and her eyes sparkled with unshed tears.

"It's not my fault!" she cried. "It's the goddamn _dango!_ Nobody will let me eat anything else!"

"Oyakodon! Somen! Yakisoba! Gyudon! Kushikatsu! Gyoza! Shabu Shabu! Mizutaki! Yosenabe! Sukiyaki! Chawanmushi!" she listed, as though she were googling results for 'traditional Japanese foods'.

"Even just a little rice and some fish, nothing fancy; I'd take anything! But all they ever give me is freaking _dango_," she spat.

"I'm not even going to tell you what happened the last time I ordered Bukkake Udon," she shuddered.

* * *

**A.N.**

Ah, Naruto-verse clichés: what an abysmally impoverished place it must be. Everyone survives on ramen, dango and saké, everything has a cherry-blossom pattern, everyone hides behind a mask (except around their Precious People!™), every character has a catchphrase that must be repeated at least 3 times during any conversation (no matter how short), and only rookie genin have the skills to take on elite SS-class supervillains.

There seem to be no end of Naruto clichés, and most writers don't just beat them like a dead horse - they beat them to death, _Edo Tensei_ them, then beat them to death all over again. Why not ask the question, "Does this make any _sense_?"

Naruto's ramen obsession/Anko's dango obsession

Catchphrases used _ad nauseam_

Sarutobi as Naruto's kindly (but politically impotent) 'adopted' grandfather

No one had any choice regarding Naruto's upbringing/childhood

The _Council_ is responsible for all the 'bad' things that happen, not the Hokage

The _civilian_ Council runs the show in this military village

Uchiha Fugaku is on the Council, even though the Uchiha have been excluded from village politics for generations

Naruto is 'unpredictable', not unskilled

Naruto cut classes to pull pranks, found classwork 'boring', and clearly didn't take his training seriously - but his poor skills are all due to 'sabotage'  
by those awful instructors who hated him because of the Kyuubi

All that boring history, etc. they teach in the Academy is _useless_ to a 'real' shinobi

Sakura and Ino are vapid banshees who never change (despite canon evidence to the contrary)

Hinata is a super kunoichi who _did _change (despite canon evidence to the contrary)

Naruto doesn't want to use the Kyuubi's chakra because it is not 'his' power

Naruto doesn't want to use the _Taiju Kage Bunshin_ technique to train, because it is 'cheating'

OR, Naruto _does _use Kyuubi, Kage Bunshin, a talking sword, a couple of bloodlines, etc. - but _still _says that the Sharingan is 'cheating'

The Hokage has too much paperwork/And it takes Naruto to let him in on the 'secret' that clones can do it, instead

Character _x_ freaks out over killing an enemy _in the middle of a battle_

Naruto and Sasuke are 'brothers' (though it is starting to look like this is, in fact, canon)

Character _x_ didn't have any _choice_ about doing whatever he/she did

Hinata _deserves_ her crush; Sakura and Ino's crushes are important (for reasons opposite to Hinata's); but _Naruto's_ crush is of no consequence

Sasuke: "I'm an Avenger! I deserve power! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!"

"Naruto is the type who learns by 'doing', not by actually _listening_ to people"

Naruto can outsmart ANBU, learn S-class jutsu in a few hours, come up with effective battle tactics on the fly - but he had no clue that there was some kind of connection between him and the Kyuubi, despite numerous clues

Whenever there's a time-travel jutsu involved, it will _automatically _take Naruto back to the day of the Academy graduation exam.

Poor story telling can be justified by the main character's DESCENT INTO MADNESS!

Every family is a clan. (Sarutobi was chosen as the 3rd precisely because he _wasn't_ from a clan - that way, it wouldn't piss off the Uchiha, who were already suspicious of the Senju establishing a dynasty. Of course, it didn't work - since they basically brain-washed Sarutobi anyway.)

Naruto _finally _gets chosen Hokage; and when the first person says, "Congratulations, _Hokage-sama_," he replies, "Oh, don't call me, 'Hokage-sama'; that makes me feel old! Just call me _Naruto_." (Even though _all he ever wanted_ was to have the people of his village _acknowledge him as Hokage_.)

All Danzo wants is power, and he will let Konoha burn to get it. _Even though we are originally told that all he wants is a strong Konoha, and simply disagrees with Sarutobi on the path to take to make that happen._ (Even Kishimoto eventually falls for this one.)

Everyone tries to make Iruka out to be this wonderful, sensitive, caring 'big brother' figure for Naruto - even though Iruka _himself _admits that he wasn't there for him (and that was on Naruto's _last day_ at the Academy).

If you're going to give your Naruto a Christ Complex and a heart overflowing with compassion for the villagers that 'beat and abused' him, then you have to follow through and let them kill him. If you just keep having the 9-Tails heal his wounds, you're just being cruel and teasing them.

Naruto finds out his very own father sealed the 9-Tails in him, and doesn't hesitate to forgive him - because "How could he ask another family to do something that he himself would not?" (This is called a 'false dilemma' in philosophy, presenting a problem and acting as though there are only 2 possible solutions. Who said the Yondaime _had _to seal the demon in an infant? We actually find out later that he sealed half of it in _himself_; so why not both halves? Or ask for a _willing _adult volunteer? A lot of the problems in Naruto's life could have been easily avoided [by better writing].)

Naruto jumps into a situation half-cocked, endangering the lives of his friends - but they just shake their heads and say, "That crazy knucklehead," instead of refusing to go on any more missions with the irresponsible, unprofessional idiot who -there is no question- would get them all killed some day. (Add to this, Naruto never learns from his mistakes.)

If you put this kind of crap in your fic, you're just being lazy.


	42. Overpowered

**Overpowered**

**

* * *

**

Let me get this straight," Naruto began. "Yondaime had Rasengan and Hiraishin, and he was considered the greatest shinobi that ever lived, right?"

"That's right," Jiraiya said proudly, never hesitant to take credit for his first apprentice's skills.

"And now _I've_ created the Oodama Rasengan, the Rasen-Shuriken, and the Rasen-Frasengan (Fred Flintstone variant); I can use up to 4 tails of Kyuubi's chakra; and I've mastered the _Taiju Kage Bunshin_ technique, which not only allows me to become a one-man army, it let's me do a year's worth of training in a single day…"

"Yes, you've made a lot of progress, Gaki," Jiraiya begrudgingly agreed.

"I defeated Neji, and Gaara when he transformed into Shukaku - which went a long way toward stopping the Sand-Sound Invasion, I might add; I convinced Princess Yuuki to take the throne of Snow Country, and Tsunade to become Godaime; and hell, I've lost track of how many whole _countries_ I've saved…"

"Seven?" Jiraiya suggested helpfully. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was seven."

"Look, Naruto, if this is about your still being a _genin_-" Tsunade began.

"No," said Naruto. "I've come to terms with that. What I _want _to know is, considering the fact that I should be stronger than the strongest shinobi who ever lived..."

"How the hell does _Sasuke_ keep_ beating_ me?"

"I mean, he can just waltz right into my head and bitch slap Kyuubi, the greatest of the bijuu; he can kill Orochimaru, an S-class missing nin who was damn near immortal; he can shoot freaking _black_ _fire_ out of his _eyes _(and what the hell is _black_ fire, anyway?); he can create a genjutsu world where he is _god_..."

"And his brother! His _brother_ can summon some kind of spirit that can defend against any attack, and pierce any defense."

"So seriously, WTF? I mean, _sure_, they're some of the craziest mother-fuckers I've ever met, but how the _hell _were the Uchiha not _running_ this village? A whole _clan_ of people like that? Hell, _two_ of them could do it!"

There was a long pause as Tsunade stared at Naruto apprehensively.

"Mirrored sunglasses," she finally blurted out.

Naruto gaped.

"_10, 9, 8…"_ thought Shikamaru, taking a nap in the shadow of a conspicuously-placed fruit basket.

"Buh… What?" Naruto finally managed.

"Mirrored sunglasses," Tsunade repeated, a bit more confidently. "The Uchiha were the village _police _force. Have you _ever _seen a cop not wearing mirrored sunglasses? But fortunately, they cut the power of the Sharingan by _half_."

Naruto was already halfway to the door, plotting to himself.

"Maybe if they had little Uchiha _fans_," he said. "And _Itachi's_ monogram…"

Sasuke _did_ have a birthday coming up, after all.

xxxxxxx

"You're going to get him killed, you know," Jiraiya admonished.

"Yeah? Well _you_ were no help," Tsunade rebutted, lips narrowing into a frown.

"Besides, what did you _want_ me to tell him?" she added. "It's like they just keep pulling this stuff out of their _ass_!"

* * *

**A.N.**

Rasen-Frasengan (Fred Flintstone variant): "Rassin-Frassin" comes from Fred Flintstone's (George Jetson's _and_ Yosemite Sam's) muttered cursing. I've read that it may be a corruption of the German curse "_Ratzen-Fressen,_" or "Rat Eating/Eater."

Yeah, _I'd_ rather be reading a good story, too. (That's the _point_, really.)


	43. Tsunade's Apprentice

**Tsunade's Apprentice**

**

* * *

**

Sakura stood in front of Tsunade's desk.

"Train me," she imitated her crush, trying to sound determined.

"You're _kidding_, right?" said Tsunade. "You treat the boy I consider a little brother like crap. You offered to abandon the village with the Uchiha. You've never made any kind of contribution to any mission that you've been assigned. And frankly, it doesn't look like you've made any effort to get physically stronger or develop your chakra stores at all."

Tsunade wasn't trying to be _cruel_, but this girl had somehow gotten the notion that all she had to do was _wish_ hard enough, and all her dreams would magically come true. Maybe it was all that hanging around the Uchiha.

Or Naruto.

Or the creepy Hyuuga.

Or that Lee kid.

Or…

"Start running laps, learn how to throw a kunai, and _then_ maybe I'll find you a tutor - but you've got to show some _effort_ first, and you _will_ be starting at the bottom. Now get the hell out of my office."

xxxxxxx

It was the happiest day in Shizune's life. Senju Tsunade, her sensei and mentor, the woman she had faithfully served for so many years, had -for some reason- finally admitted that she had been taking her for granted, and allowed her to sign the Slug Contract.

* * *

**A.N.**

Shizune got screwed. She should have stolen Tsunade's necklace and left her drunk ass in a ditch _years _ago.


	44. Teach Me

**Teach Me**

**

* * *

**

"Have you seen Kiba?" asked Kurenai.

"S-s-s-so-so-sorry, S-s-s-sen-s-s-Sensei," stammered Hinata, spraying spittle with each sibilant syllable.

(Thus explaining why her other, more practical teammates always wore jackets, regardless of the weather forecast.)

"You know," said Shino, with a slight nod toward Akamaru, who was… cleaning himself. "He always said that if _he_ could do that, he'd never leave the house."

Fortunately, Shino's _kikaichu_ bugs were able to stanch the nosebleeds before there were any fatalities.

xxxxxxx

By the time Kiba arrived an hour later, arm in a sling, the day's practice had been canceled. Sadly, however, the damage had already been done: none of his teammates could ever look him in the eye again.

"_That's what you get for trying to pull that 'Top Dog' shit with __me__, you son of a bitch,"_ thought Shino.

* * *

**A.N.**

It's always the quiet ones. Or so, people keep trying to tell me.


	45. Stroking His… Ego

**Stroking His… Ego**

**

* * *

**

Kakashi cast a lazy eye over his team. He had a stoic, obsessive pretty boy; a fairly intelligent girl with a crush on said pretty boy; and a loud, clumsy buffoon with a crush on said girl.

"_Somehow,"_ Kakashi thought, _"__Somehow__, the image just seems so… __familiar__."_

"Naruto?" Sakura said. "You dropped these goggles out of your pocket."

"_Nope,"_ thought Kakashi, _"I still got nothing."_

"Right," he finally said. "Sasuke's with me; you two, go spar or something."

As Kakashi and Sasuke disappeared into the sunset in a _Leaf Shunshin_, Naruto spat.

"Terrific," he said. "He just wants to create his own little Mini-Me, just like Gai."

"Stop it, Naruto," Sakura chastised. "He just thinks he owes some kind of debt to the Uchiha. You've heard him say so often enough, down at the Cenotaph."

"I guess," Naruto acquiesced, feeling a bit ashamed at being so petty-minded. "I should probably apologize later."

"Good boy," Sakura commended.

Obito, shunned by his clan from an early age, was spinning in his grave so fast even the sharingan couldn't follow it.

* * *

**A.N.**

Team Minato vs. Team 7  
Kakashi ... ... = ...Sasuke  
Rin ... .. ... ... =. ..Sakura  
Obito ... . ... ..=... Naruto

So Kakashi's constant fawning over the Uchiha (in fanon) is really nothing more than egocentric masturbation (hence the title).  
It's ridiculous to have him say that he "has to help Sasuke, because he owes it to Obito." Obito was _shunned _by the Uchiha, and he would clearly identify with Naruto.

* * *

**A.N. II**

Team 7 Twofer.

* * *

**123. The Sincerest Form of Something or Other**

In a swirl of leaves, Kakashi and Sasuke appeared in the center of the arena; back to back, arms crossed, flaming with… well, _flaming_, anyway.

Come on, were they _trying_ to make the cover of the NAMBLA newsletter?

"Did we miss anything?" Kakashi asked indifferently, his attention more focused on his little orange book.

("Damn you, Kakashi!" came a faint shout from the stands.)

"Actually," Genma replied. "You _did_. Sasuke has been disqualified for his failure to appear at the scheduled time. The Hokage wants to see you both in his office after the exams. What the hell were the two of you _thinking_?"

As Security led the shocked and argumentative _prima donne_ out of the arena, Sakura slowly counted a thick stack of ryo into her gloating teammate's hand.

"I guess you were right," she said, shaking her head sadly. "More like him every day."

* * *

**A.N. III  
**

1. Obsessed with his dead 'family'.  
2. Rightly or wrongly, considered a prodigy.  
3. Acts cool and aloof; keep people at a distance.  
4. Treats his teammates badly.  
5. Female teammate has a crush on him; male teammate is a clumsy buffoon.  
6. Has the Sharingan.  
7. Lightning affinity & the Chidori.  
8. Willing to let a teammate die to meet his own objective.  
9. Unconcerned about the impact his actions have on other people.  
10. Bad haircut.  
11. Shows up late (for the third exam) because it makes him look cool?

Yup, might as well just go ahead and give him one of those dust masks - Kakashi has his own little Mini-Me, just like Gai.


	46. What's That You Were Saying?

**What's That You Were Saying?**

**

* * *

**

"So, you're the son of the 4th, eh?" smirked Neji.

"I _knew_ it! So you _were_ destined to beat me, after all! It's genetics! It's fate! I _knew_ there was no way some no-name loser could beat me! And I was _right_!"

And so Neji continued, pointing and shouting and laughing as he danced around Naruto, secure -and comfortable, thank you very much- in his cage once again.

"_J-J-Jesus,"_ thought Hinata, _"There's g-g-going to b-be no l-l-living with him, after th-, after th-, after __this__."_

_

* * *

_

**A.N.**

Personally, I think the story would be better if Naruto were _not_ the son of Yondaime, but rather just some poor random bastard who is working hard -with some success- to overcome the many obstacles that life has set before him.

Giving him such a noble pedigree just makes his pontificating to Neji at the Chuunin Exams sound like a bunch of hot air; it's pretty much meaningless.

Then again, between this and the 3rd telling Naruto that, "the Hokage has to care for everyone in the village, like family," perhaps Kishimoto simply has a much keener sense of irony than I ever gave him credit for.


	47. A Big Misunderstanding

**A Big Misunderstanding**

**

* * *

**

Itachi and Sasuke, battered and exhausted, finally stood face to face. Itachi had just explained the terrible truth of the Uchiha Massacre.

"So _that's_ why you put me in that genjutsu," said Sasuke, his emotional walls crumbling.

"What genjutsu?" Itachi asked, genuinely puzzled.

"What do you _mean_, 'What genjutsu?'" shouted Sasuke. "You know, the one where you told me to _hate you_, and _live in fear_!"

He was getting a bit worked up again.

"Ah," said Itachi, nodding his head in understanding. "You used to have that exact same nightmare _all the time_ when you were a kid. That's why Mom stopped letting you eat tomatoes before bed."

"_8,999,999. 8,999,998. 8,999,997…"_ thought Shikamaru, watching a gray cloud pass across a red full moon.


	48. That's Not What I Read in the Papers

**That's Not What They Said in the Papers  
**

**

* * *

**

"I'm proud of you," Sarutobi Hiruzen's aged eyes shone damply upon the young man sitting on the opposite side of the desk. "You never give up, no matter what challenges life puts in your way. Even when there are those who revile you, who scorn you…"

"Their hatred doesn't mean anything," the teen interjected, wearily shaking his head. "_You _have always been there for me; that's what matters. You're the closest thing to family that I have. I'd do anything for you, just to hear you say those words: that you're proud of me."

"And you know that _you_ are like family to _me,_ also, my boy," said Sarutobi, reaching across the desk and gripping the young man's hand affectionately. "I'm just sorry that I couldn't do _more _for you."

"Stop blaming yourself. You tried; but the Council-"

"The Council are _fools_," Sarutobi snapped, his grandfatherly visage suddenly dark and malevolent. "And they _fear _what they do not understand."

"But you work so _hard_," he resumed in a softer, almost heartbroken tone; rising and crossing the room to the boy's side. "All you ever _wanted _was to become stronger, to protect the village."

"They'll see it someday. Someday, I will _make_ them acknowledge me. You'll see," the young man who always dreamed of one day being Hokage vowed.

_"I'm sure you will,"_ Sarutobi smiled, and patted the young man on the shoulder.

"But you should go: it's getting late; and, I am sorry to say, I no longer seem able to protect you from everyone."

"I'll be alright," and his voice was once again filled with determination. "Hang on to that hat for me, Old Man."

And with a wink and a smile, Orochimaru left the lab and fled the village.

* * *

**A.N.**

Too obvious?


	49. Baby Blues

**Baby Blues**

**

* * *

**

"Come on, Naruto-chan, eat the strained peas," Naruto's guardian pleaded.

"No," pouted chibi-Naruto, from his highchair.

"Come on, they're good for you! Don't you want to grow up and be a big, strong shinobi?"

"No!" he shouted, turning his face to the side and away from the offending green vegetables.

"Just a little bit? See, they're yummy! Num, num, num!" the girl cajoled, smacking her lips.

_**"NO!"**_ growled Naruto, batting the spoon away, his normally-blue eyes glowing red.

The girl screamed, and ran for the door. She wasn't getting paid _nearly _enough to put up with _this_.

xxxxxxx

Sarutobi sighed, reading the ANBU report. He'd have to place another ad in the morning. He lost more babysitters that way…

* * *

**A.N.**

Most writers seem to think that young Naruto would put up with anything -insults, spoiled food, price gouging, vandalism, beatings, attempted murder- without complaint, let alone striking back (aside from the occasional harmless prank here and there). Ever heard of the 'Terrible Twos'? Kids -especially those with some kind of power to back it up- assert themselves. Naruto would be Hell on Wheels.


	50. Today is Always the Most Enjoyable Day

**Today is Always the Most Enjoyable Day**

**

* * *

**

Naruto did a double-take at the Sand Kunoichi's distinctive hairstyle.

"Yotsuba-chan?" he asked, the picture of bright-eyed innocence. "Wow, you grew up _nice_."

Temari blushed prettily under the compliment and, _she_ thought, adorable nickname.

(They may have had bootleg _Icha Icha_ down in Suna, but apparently the _Yotsuba&!_ manga did not enjoy the same popularity.)

"Stand down, Kankuro," she said, brushing her younger brother aside. "_I'll_ handle this."

And so, without even trying, Uzumaki Naruto averted yet _another_ tragedy at the Chuunin Exams.

* * *

**A.N.**

Disclaimer: If Kishimoto can borrow character designs from Azuma Kiyohiko, he should have no complaints when someone _else_ does the same to him. (I hope.)

What the hell ever _did_ happen to Ten-Ten, anyway? Landing on your spine like that _can't_ be good for you.


	51. That's Not What I Read in the Papers II

**That's Not What They Said in the Papers II**

**

* * *

**

"Was the procedure successful, Yamanaka-san?" asked the village leader, taking a working lunch amidst his paperwork.

"Hai, Hokage-sama, a complete success," the blond head of the Intelligence Division replied, wiping his brow. "She was quite resistant at first, which seems to have been a result of the cursed-seal; but her memories have been overwritten, and she has been turned completely."

"_Excellent_," replied the older man, savoring a sweet rice dumpling. "With her knowledge of his techniques, she will be our greatest tool in our fight against the Snake. The irony is quite… _Mmmm_, delicious."

"As you say, Hokage-sama," the _shinjutsu_ specialist equivocated, anxious to be dismissed. The pay was good, but _he_ had a daughter, himself.

"Make her a Tokujō, and put her on a short leash," the Hokage commanded, finishing his dessert. "I want to know if there are any… slips."

"I'll assign her to Ibiki; _he_ can keep an eye on her," Inoichi agreed. "And for a name?"

"Anko. Mitarashi Anko," the Hokage said after a pause, eyeing the take-out container on his desk.

Dismissing the mind breaker, the "Professor's" eyes turned to cold, hard steel as he thought,_ "__This__ will teach you to go poking your nose where it doesn't belong, Orochimaru,"_ and headed off to his secret lab.

* * *

**A.N.**

I like the idea of Anko being Orochimaru's daughter, mind-fucked by Konoha into being a tool to use against him.

And Orochimaru on the run, because he discovered that _Sarutobi_ was conducting human experiments? _Mmmm_, delicious.

You should totally write this story. _I'd_ read it.


	52. Overpowered II

**Overpowered II**

**

* * *

**

"So like I was saying," said Naruto, "I've mastered the _Taiju Kage Bunshin_ technique; I've got the Oodama Rasengan and the Rasen-Shuriken; I've got the Toad Summoning Contract; I can use up to 4 tails of Kyuubi's chakra; I've been learning the Sage Arts…"

"Look, Naruto, if this is about your still being a _genin_-" Tsunade began.

"Well, _yeah_, actually it _is_," Naruto said. "I mean, I can pretty much level half the village without even trying-"

"Which, of course, you would _never_, ever do," prompted Tsunade, hoping she had discovered all of the _Ne_ microphones Danzo had installed.

"So what exactly _do_ I have to do to get promoted?" Naruto asked, growing clearly frustrated with the situation (and neither confirming nor denying Tsunade's protests on his behalf).

"Save the village? Check and check. Save whole countries? Check and check. Save important political figures? Check and check again. So _what_, exactly, is it going to take?"

"Look, Naruto-kun, it's not that you aren't skilled..." Shizune mollified.

"You just aren't TV-friendly," Tsunade -rather bluntly- dropped the hammer.

"I- What?" Naruto couldn't have looked more gob-smacked if you'd handed him a sack full of human heads (a classic prank played on rookie ANBU recruits).

"Your act just doesn't look good on television." Tsunade clarified, somewhat off-handedly. "I know the Third explained all this in his speech during the Chuunin Exams - he used the same speech for the past 50 years."

"We rely on _sponsors _for most of our funding. That's why we hold the Chuunin Exams in the _first _place - to attract the biggest sponsors, by showing off our biggest talent," she explained.

"But why am I-" Naruto tried to interrupt.

"I'm _getting_ to that, Brat." snapped Tsunade impatiently. "Now, take a look at me and the twins: the camera _loves_ me. And Jiraiya, do you think he does that whole, 'Toad Sage of Mount Myōboku' kabuki shtick for no reason? Unh-unh. It's _theater_."

"Kakashi is the poster-boy for cool, mysterious and deadly. Gai took _his_ act straight from professional wrestling. Kurenai, Anko? Again, that's just sex on a stick. And it's the same with _all_ our talent - that's what pays the bills, and _that's_ what gets the promotions."

"But you?" Tsunade continued, waving off Naruto's objections before he could properly voice them. "You go 4-tails, and your freaking _skin_ boils off! You use that damn Rasen-Shuriken thing, and it looks like your arm went through a goddamned _blender_!"

"Now _tell _me," she demanded, "_Who_ is going to pay to put their logo on _that_?"

"She's right, Kid," said Jiraiya, adding his own two-cents to the conversation. "You want to get promoted? You need a _gimmick_."

"Like a bloodline," suggested Sakura.

"Yeah! Some kind of doujutsu," agreed a gushing Tsunade. "_Everybody_ loves those."

"No, no," said Shizune. "What if he could summon _dragons_? That would be awesome! Just think about it: _dragons_! He could be all like, _RAWR_!" as she stomped around, smashing imaginary villages.

(Yes, it's always the quiet ones: Shizune clearly had a lot of frustration and personal issues to work out.)

xxxxxxx

Orochimaru was at the gates, cloned-sharingan, curse-sealed army poised to attack. The situation looked hopeless.

Suddenly, Uzumaki Naruto appeared on the village wall.

No one had seen him for the past month, not since _that_ conversation in Tsunade's office. Everyone assumed he was working on some awesome, _über_-powerful technique.

Tsunade took a moment to size up their (she hoped) once-again savior.

His hair was now blond, with black and red highlights.

"_He has clown hair,"_ thought Tsunade.

He was wearing a cape. The cape had a painting of a 9-tailed fox, with each tail a different color (representing the elements and sub-elements Naruto had mastered), forming a rainbow.

"_Tacky,"_ Tsunade shuddered. _"Did he steal that from a '70s conversion van?"_

He was wearing a sleeveless white jacket.

"_Didn't anybody ever tell him that a sleeveless jacket is, in effect, a vest?"_ thought Tsunade.

On the back of the jacket, he had tried to write the name of his new technique - a Rasen-Shuriken infused with Katon-natured chakra, which he called, Youma-Shuriken - 'Disc of the Inferno'.

His kanji was never that good, however, so it ended up reading _Disco Inferno._

Not many people noticed the spelling mistake though, 'eclipsed' as it was by the _pièce de résistance_ -

Naruto's white leather assless chaps.

"_You have __got__ to be fucking __kidding__ me,"_ thought Tsunade. _"Where on earth did he get the idea for-"_

"_Jiraiya_," she hissed, with an arctic chill in her voice, "If you were planning to make _Naruto _a character in one of your perverted books…"

"N-never!" Jiraiya protested. "I s-swear!"

"I just thought it would be _funny_," he mumbled. "The kid is so _gullible_. How was _I_ to know Orochmaru was going to invade?"

"Tsunade-sama, we've got trouble," Shizune said, pointing at the Uchiha, riding Orochimaru's 3-headed snake.

("Hey-o!" came a voice from off-camera.)

"Look at that."

"Oh, my God," swore Tsunade, "Is that the Nike _Swoosh_?"

"Worse than that," said Shizune, more afraid of telling her ill-tempered mentor the incredibly bad news than she was of the imminent invasion. "Look higher."

"_Disney_?" Tsunade cried. "He's got freaking _Disney_ backing him? Oh, that's it - we are _totally_ outgunned here. We are just going to have to talk terms."

"Orochimaru!" she called out across the wall, using a voice-amplification jutsu. "What will it take for you to spare our village?"

As the Hokage, she understood that sometimes, sacrifices have to be made.

xxxxxxx

"Well, the Brat saved the village again," said Jiraiya, putting his feet up on the desk.

"We really _should _do something nice for him," said Tsunade, pouring herself another drink.

"Maybe you should just go ahead and _give_ him that promotion to chuunin," Sakura suggested, gazing wistfully out the window.

"_If_ he ever escapes," Shizune muttered quietly, stroking her pet pig.

* * *

**A.N.**

Many writers seem to think that Naruto needs something _more_ to be interesting - he needs to be gang-raped, or he needs a Sharingan, or he needs a dragon summoning contract. Being a ninja, being a jinchuuriki, having a band of S-class enemies after him just isn't enough. There are really very few stories where he is simply a competent ninja, trying to overcome the many obstacles that keep popping up between him and having a happy life. Taken as a whole, I have to think that the types of stories you see here reflect the psychology of fanfiction writers in general.  
(I'm not against giving Naruto a different twist; far from it, in fact. But why make it something so _gratuitous_?)

I've actually read a lot of stories where Naruto is dressed pretty much just like this - like a blind, gay, redneck. Wow.


	53. Sympathy for the Devil

**Sympathy for the Devil**

**

* * *

**

Zabuza had captured Kakashi in his _Suirō no Jutsu_, and he was enlightening the three Konoha genin on how he had earned the nickname, "Demon of the Bloody Mist."

"That year, there _were_ no graduates," Zabuza sneered, "Over 100 Academy students were cut down, by a small boy who wasn't even enrolled in the class."

"_Dude_," said Naruto, giving the Kiri missing-nin an incredulous look. "That's kind of fucked up! I mean, what the hell did you do _that_ for?"

Zabuza paused, and for a moment seemed to be staring into the very mists of time.

"Do you have any idea," he finally replied, his voice hoarse with emotion, "What it's like, being a boy named '_Momo'_?"

Naruto sniffed back a tear, and shook his head in sorrowful understanding.

"Kids can be so cruel," he said quietly.


	54. A Great Ninja without Nin or Genjutsu

**A Great Ninja without Nin- or Genjutsu**

**

* * *

**

Down in the arena, Gaara had captured Lee in his _Sabaku-kyu_.

"_Do it!"_ cried Naruto excitedly from the stands. "Squash that Make-A-Wish®, charity-case motherfucker like a goddamn _grape_!"

The rest of the genin, and a good number of spectators from the Konoha section of the audience, stared at the (habitually cheerful and sunny) blond with mixed expressions of shock, horror and disbelief.

"What?" Naruto asked, his own countenance open and ingenuous, "I _told_ you I hate that bastard."


	55. Dreams Really Do Come True

**A.N.**

I'm warning you, this one is pretty awful - even by _my_ standards.

* * *

**Dreams Really Do Come True**

**

* * *

**

All in all, Hinata had no regrets about being kidnapped by the _Kumo no Kuni no  
Shinobi Gashira _all those years ago.

She never really liked her family - with their constant pressure to train and improve -  
so that was no great loss to her.

Here in Cloud though, she felt more like a princess than ever: pampered and coddled  
like a head of black-haired _wagyū_ cattle, from which comes the highly-prized (and  
obscenely expensive) Matsusaka beef.

It was an appropriate image.

Sure, she had once had that crush on Uzumaki Naruto, but she rarely thought of him  
now that she was being regularly pounded by powerful Kumo shinobi and shitting out  
babies every 9 months.

In fact, she even liked to think that what she was doing was actually helping to _finally_  
unify the Hyuuga, since her new 'Foreign Branch' of the clan was rendering the Caged  
Bird seal all but irrelevant.

The children were taken from her as soon as they were weaned, of course (since she  
herself was too kind and gentle to raise them into the fearsome half-breed warriors the  
Raikage coveted); but she knew they were out there, and that thought alone brought  
Hinata no end of happiness.

If she had still had her eyes, she would have wept tears of joy.

* * *

**A.N. II**

I just figured I'd throw Hinata a bone and give her a happy ending for once, for all the haters out there.

What were you expecting, O. Henry?

xxxxxxx

It's called 'black humor'. It's supposed to be funny not because you would actually _want _it to happen, but because it is so _unremittingly _awful.

(Then again, if this were Sakura, I wouldn't have received _nearly _as many complaints. Makes you wonder, doesn't it?)


	56. Bad Timing

**Bad Timing**

**

* * *

**

Morino Ibiki was just wrapping up the first test of the Chuunin Selection Exams.

He had presented the extremely daunting (and completely fallacious) rules of the "Do or Die" question to the remaining genin, and had relished watching their faces change from affronted to fearful to resigned.

It was a bit theatrical and over the top, true; but then, those were the very same qualities that helped make Ibiki so effective at his chosen profession.

_And then,_ that little punk Uzumaki Naruto had gone and spoiled his whole performance, spouting his exasperating "Never Give Up" nonsense.

Ye gods. And there were still 26 teams left.

Suddenly, a dark object came hurtling through the window.

Eighteen hyper-vigilant examinees promptly responded with a hail of weapons fire and ninjutsu techniques.

Mitarashi Anko, 'misreading the atmosphere', never even saw it coming.

"Well, it looks like you 18 have passed the first _and_ second portions of the exam," Ibiki sighed, standing over the charred, perforated remains of his… _dubious_ former subordinate. "Congratulations. The rest of you might as well go home."

"_And not __one__ Konoha genin among them," _Ibiki grimly thought. Whatever the bright side, he just _knew_ the Hokage was going to be _pissed_.


	57. The Name's Not Familiar, But the Face

**The Name's Not Familiar, But the Face Rings a Bell**

**

* * *

**

Sarutobi Asuma didn't like to talk about his time at the temple.

They spoke a different dialect in the capital; and coming from an isolated military village, he wasn't very fluent. He had to speak in very simple terms, and use a lot of allegories to try to get his point across. But it caused no end of misunderstandings.

The other 12 Guardians seemed to like him though, for the most part. There _was _one fellow that gave him the stink-eye, but other than that, they were a decent bunch. And there was even a girl that he hit it off with pretty well. (She had a bit of a reputation, but he never really got anywhere with her, anyway.)

Asuma just tried his best to fit in. He let his beard fill out, and grew his hair out to match the local style. He took up the loin cloth and robes of the Guardians.

And he helped out wherever he could.

If someone was sick, or injured, he'd use the few _iryōjutsu _he knew to heal them.

If they ran out of water, he'd use a little _suiton_ technique.

Once, when they had a problem with the local Yakuza running a money-changing operation, Asuma went all _Street Fighter_ on their asses. But other than that, he really didn't fight much.

Another time, when they were planning a big party, they decided to take a boat out and trawl for some fish. Unfortunately, while they were at sea, a storm came up and threatened to capsize their small craft. One poor bastard was actually tossed overboard. So Asuma used the water-walking technique to calmly stroll over and haul the guy out of the drink. It was no big whoop for a ninja; Asuma didn't even get his sandals wet.

The other fellows _did_ seem a little awestruck though; so he tried to play it off, and made a joke about being a "man-fisher," instead of a 'fisherman'. Still, the way they looked at him, he thought maybe it came off a little too… gay.

Since they hadn't been able to catch anything due to the storm, Asuma gave them a storage scroll full of bread and fish that he had with him. They raised a fuss about that, too, but he didn't think it was any big deal. He had brought plenty of scrolls, after all.

(He had even brought a scroll full of sake, in case he ever got invited to _that_ kind of party. But Asuma didn't really indulge much back in those days: he was a ninja, and worked hard to stay trim and fit. He ended up giving the scroll to a couple of newlyweds, for their reception.)

The other 12 Guardians wanted to learn his techniques, but Asuma knew that he would have to get the Hokage's permission for that. He tried to explain to them, in his broken, backwoods Konoha dialect, that the request would have to go to his father. He thought it would be okay though, he had told them, because his father saw everyone as his children. They just had to go through Asuma to get to him.

Shortly after that, Asuma had his last dinner with them.

He actually _did_ have a few drinks that time (which may have been a mistake, in retrospect).

He got a little maudlin, and the sake did not help with the language barrier. He had just enjoyed his time with them _so much_; he didn't want them to forget him, that's all. He hoped he had managed to get his point across; he had done everything except make shadow puppets trying to explain, using analogies and acting bits out with items from the table.

The rest of the night was a blur; and later, when he came to, he was in a garden, surrounded by samurai.

Things pretty much just seemed to go straight to hell after that.

Sarutobi Asuma didn't like to talk about his time at the temple.

* * *

**A.N.**

And it's precisely 666 words. Weird.


	58. Eyes on the Prize

**Eyes on the Prize**

**

* * *

**

Shimura Danzō grasped his ravaged right arm, the numerous sharingan eyes that encrusted it ruined in his battle with Uchiha Sasuke.

"_Kabuto_," he rasped, fumbling with his trousers. "Quickly! You must implant my two _**back-up**_ sharingan!"

"So _that's_ where he kept them," Kabuto remarked, deftly lopping off the old man's head with a chakra scalpel.

* * *

**A.N.**

"Fool me once, shame on you; fool me _twice_…"

This was a request. (I stopped reading the manga around Chapter 420, so this crazy shit with Danzō is all news to me.)

Move over, Orochimaru, you tired old Michael Jackson wannabe - Shimura Danzō takes the prize for self-mutilation.

Nutcase. (Heh-heh.)


	59. Temptation

**Temptation (Teach Me II)**

**

* * *

**

"Have you seen Naruto?" Kakashi asked.

"Sorry, Sensei," Sakura replied.

"Why, no, Sensei, I can't say that I have; but he would be a _fool _to miss such an opportunity to partake in your sagacious and fruitful teachings. You're the _best_!" Sasuke most emphatically did _not_ say. What he _actually_ said was, "Hn."

But the former was what the needy, one-eyed jounin _heard_, nonetheless.

Jiraiya, who had stopped by to check up on Naruto's training, offered his own 'unique' take on the situation.

"You know," he casually remarked, "He _is_ a teenage boy… And he _does_ know the _Kage Bunshin_… and the _Oiroke no Jutsu…_"

Fortunately, medic-nin patrol the training grounds on a routine basis, in case of accidental injuries and such. Otherwise, how on earth would they have explained a Sannin, an elite jounin, the rookie of the year and… some weak-ass girl, dying of blood loss with no sign of battle?

There would have been widespread panic in the village. It would have been pandemonium.

(Though for once, all those who typically blamed such events on _'that damned Demon Brat'_, would have been -at least somewhat- justified.)

xxxxxxx

When they were finally released from the hospital, they immediately went 'round to Naruto's apartment to 'get to the bottom of things'.

(It was this rather unfortunate choice of words on Kakashi's part, which nearly caused Sasuke to relapse.)

They found him there. Hollow-eyed, rocking back and forth, naked as a jaybird, hugging an empty bottle of mouthwash.

"The_ memories,"_ he kept mumbling hysterically, over and over, _"They come back!"_

_

* * *

_

**A.N.**

Oh, please. Like _you_ wouldn't try it.


	60. He's a Real Bastard, Believe It!

**He's a Real Bastard - Believe It!**

**

* * *

**

"Minato, are you _sure _about this?" the Sandaime asked.

"_One-Hundred percent,_ Old Man," Minato confidently replied, with a braggadocian smirk. "It's my greatest work, a true masterpiece."

"But you are taking such a _gamble_," the elder Hokage earnestly protested, "Calling upon the powers of the god of death himself…"

"I've got it _covered_," Minato drawled, his voice laced with arrogance. "The death god will be satisfied by the sacrifice."

"And what of the child?" the Third asked. "What of your _son_?"

"Son?" Minato repeated, feigning ignorance. "I have no son. _This_ is the child of Uzumaki Kucina, just another faceless unwed mother - and a _foreigner_, to boot."

"_Kushina_," Sarutobi corrected, frowning at his successor's debauched and egotistical behavior.

"Kushina, Kachina, whatever," Minato sneered dismissively. "All that matters is, this is _her_ kid, not mine."

"I will be _god-damned_ if I am giving up my prized techniques, my estate, my reputation, my name or my freedom for a one-night stand with some ditzy, no-name fangirl who can't even do a simple birth control jutsu correctly. This will tie up a lot of loose ends."

"The 9-Tails has done me a _favor_, actually," the cocky and presumptuous Fourth Hokage continued. "Maybe I'll even _tell_ him that, as I'm bleeding his power to further my own glory. You know, really rub his _face _in it."

"That _would_ be just like you," the Sandaime pouted bitterly.

"Yeah, it will be _awesome_," the Yondaime enthusiastically agreed, missing the point entirely.

"But are you _sure_ that this will stop the demon?" the Third interjected, only too glad to interrupt yet another of the Fourth's sybaritic daydreams. "Should we not evacuate the villagers, just in case?"

"_Look_, I've explained this _over and over_," Minato snapped, growing increasingly snide and impatient at this perceived slight to his abilities.

"The _Shiki Fuujin_ will summon the god of death, who will seal the Kyuubi into me and take Menudo as a sacrifice."

Sarutobi, chafing at his young protégé's hubris, did not even bother trying to correct him a second time.

"I invented this seal myself; and I _am_ the greatest seal-master of all time," Minato boasted.

"_What could possibly go wrong?"_

* * *

**A.N.**

Everyone claims that Yondaime was _married _to Kushina, but because he had so many enemies, he had to keep it a big secret.

Right. That's why none of the _other_ kage hide _their _families (even the ones with sons/brothers/whatever that are jinchuuriki).

Face it, Naruto is a bastard. That's why his last name is Uzumaki, that's why he has no clan status and no inheritance, that's why no one ever connected him with Minato (despite the glaringly obvious physical resemblance) - _because Minato denied him as his rightful son and heir._

I don't believe that Kishimoto himself ever clarifies Minato and Kushina's relationship - or even who Kushina _is_, for that matter.

And since no one had ever tried Minato's _Shiki Fuujin_ before, how could they _possibly_ know what the death god would do? It's not like there had ever been any survivors to tell the tale.

* * *

**A.N. II**

I hear that Kishi sent me a great big **STFU** with the latest issue. Eleven years into it and he suddenly decides _now_ is a good time to start filling in some of the plot holes - like a Deadbeat Dad showing up drunk at a kid's Bar Mitzvah.

I'm sticking to my guns. Minato was an ass.


	61. What's Up with That

**What's Up with That**

**

* * *

**

Anko was shamelessly rubbing herself all over the notorious young genin, trying to get a rise out of him.

She had draped herself across his shoulders, creating an enticing (and impressive) display of cleavage.

She had trailed her long, delicate fingers up and down his chest suggestively.

She had described -in exquisitely lurid detail- scenes of bacchanalian excess, _guaranteed_ to drive a young man wild with passion and desire.

_And yet_, she could not detect the slightest trace of a nosebleed. Not one drop of crimson, to betray his interest.

With a resigned sigh, Anko reluctantly slunk off in defeat.

"Thank god she finally _stopped_," Naruto gasped, knees nearly buckling. "But now I _really_ have to get home and change these shorts."

* * *

**A.N.**

The whole, 'bloody-nose' thing just seems weird to me.


	62. Author's Note

**Author's Note**

**

* * *

**

After much soul searching (coupled with the increasingly… _strident_ entreaties of my better half), I feel I must take a short hiatus from writing _Returning the Pain_ to work on a new project: _Returning the Videos_. I should be back in about an hour (two hours, tops). Thank you all for your prayers and your generous support.

* * *

**A.N.**

Not really; but no story is complete without the obligatory and ubiquitous Author's Excuse.

Shout out to Hektols, who is my new best friend.


	63. Writer's Block

_**Writer's**_** Block**

**

* * *

**

"Let me get this straight," said the world-famous publishing magnate. "You _begged_ me to give you a chance. You said that you were taking up your late sensei's _legacy_,"

Naruto nodded like some popular anime bobble-head doll, eyes wide and innocent

"And then you bring me _this_?" the publisher exploded, slamming his hand on the final draft of _Hi-Jinx: Tales of the Demon Vessels & Their Pals_ that lay upon the desk.

"It's a shounen manga," Naruto explained, trying to be helpful (even though his former enthusiasm had been somewhat... dampened by this sudden outburst).

"It's _retarded_, is what it is," the older man countered.

"The protagonist is supposed to be some dumb-ass kid, who has a _demon_ stuck in his belly?"

Naruto nodded again. It wasn't like he hadn't heard _that _before.

"And it was put there by his _father_ -who just so happens to be the town's greatest hero and the kid's idol- but _no one knows_ about that, even though the two could be identical _twins_?"

Another nod.

"And then the kid goes through the story with what, two or three techniques? Fighting bad guys that look like _gods_ in comparison?"

This time, it was less of a 'nod' and more 'bowing his head in humility'.

"Yet -_somehow_- he defeats them all, and in the end, they elect him mayor of their village - even though he acted like a complete freaking _moron_ throughout the whole thing."

"People _like_ him," Naruto protested weakly, lip quivering and eyes shining with unshed tears at the unexpected (though not unfounded) criticism.

The hard-nosed book-seller hesitated, but that look had toppled stronger adversaries in the past like so many dominoes.

Click. click. _click_.

"And I like _you_, Kid," he finally said, a bit more sympathetically. "Tell you what; I'll give you another shot. Maybe if you do something more with that 'Sasuke' character…"

And so, the legend begins.

* * *

**A.N.**

I had a slightly different title in mind, but couldn't manage to get the HTML for strikethrough to save.


	64. Pein, Pein, Pein, Pein

**Pein, Pein, Pein, Pein**

**

* * *

**

With Konan gone, the newly-revived Pein spared little time for regret or remorse. By nightfall, he found himself with yet another comely and sycophantic devotee.

Sakura always _was_ a sucker for an emotionally-stunted 'bad boy' with a doujutsu, after all.

"Gee, Pein," she said, gazing lovingly into his X-Ray Specs® eyes. "What do you want to do tonight?"

"The same thing we do _every_ night, Pinky," Pein deadpanned. "Try to take over the world!"

Sakura smiled beatifically. She couldn't _wait_ to rub that slut, Ino's face in it.

* * *

**A.N.**

Easy money.


	65. Oops, Got Some on Your Chin There

**Oops, Got Some on Your Chin There  
**

**

* * *

**

"Man, that is some good humpback whale," said Naruto, savoring the robust flavor.

"Have another cup of _sencha_, Naruto-kun," Ayame offered, pouring the tea.

"Thanks," Naruto replied. "Now how about some nice Bukkake-"

Ayame interrupted him before he could finish ordering his udon, lunging across the counter and throwing her arms around the confused and naïve boy.

"Oh, Naruto!" she cried excitedly, planting a big, wet one square on his lips. "I thought you'd _never_ do your clone trick with _me_!"

* * *

**A.N.**

Yeah, I know; I tried that bit before. I really just wanted a vehicle for the humpback whale gag.

(And it's _not_ humpback whale _ramen_, if that's what you're thinking.)


	66. VotE III: Put It on My Bill

**VotE III - Put It on My Bill**

**

* * *

**

Naruto and Sasuke, bloody and exhausted, stood on the rocky shore at the Valley of the End.

"You should feel _honored_, Naruto," Sasuke mocked, releasing yet another wave of tainted chakra. "It looks like I'm actually going to have to try out my new Cursed Seal, _Level II_."

Naruto, still winded from their earlier battle, braced himself for the worst.

If Sasuke had deliberately planned this maneuver to incapacitate him, it was a resounding success.

Naruto's body was wracked with spasms; his vision was blurred with tears; he gasped and choked, trying to catch his breath.

Simply put, he was laughing his ass off.

Sasuke's skin and hair had gone snow white, the same color as his shorts. And he had sprouted hand-like wings.

As with other users of the Cursed Seal, Level II, Sasuke had grown some kind of bony protuberance from his head. But _unlike _the others, with their horns and fangs and such, this was more like… a bent, blunt _plate_, that distended his upper lip, as though his face were wearing a baseball cap.

And the kicker was, it was a bright, blazing _orange_.

The rest of his appearance, surprisingly enough, remained unchanged.

But wearing his traditional cowl-necked Uchiha garb, together with his… _unique_ and infamous hairstyle, the resemblance was just _too_ uncanny.

Sasuke looked _exactly_ like Donald Duck.

Naruto continued to kick and pound at the sand, still rolling on the ground and roaring with unrestrained, hysterical laughter.

"You have _got_ to be fucking _kidding_ me," Sasuke quacked bitterly.

* * *

**A.N.**

Well, there's nothing that says the Cursed Seal _has_ to make him look all badass.

It was a toss-up, really, between Donald and Daffy (with Sasuke saying, "You're _dethpicable_,").

Meh. Take what you get. It's not like there's a cover charge or a 2-drink minimum.


	67. Anything to Help

**Anything to Help**

**

* * *

**

Kakashi stared blankly at Zabuza's fallen form, trying to process _what_, exactly, had just happened.

"I'm sorry to intrude," the phony hunter-nin slyly dissembled. "But I have been tracking this man for several weeks. I appreciate your assistance in bringing him down."

"No problem," Kakashi drawled lazily. "Let me just confirm that he's dead."

As he reached toward Zabuza's neck, Haku smirked mockingly behind her purloined mask.

"_Go ahead," _she laughed confidently to herself._ "With my 'False Death' technique, there will be no pulse to give us away."_

Her expression turned brittle as glass, however, as the Copy Nin suddenly flared a _Raikiri_, lopping off the swordsman's head.

"That should do it," he said, giving a magnanimous eye-smile to the frozen girl.

* * *

**A.N.**

Kakashi was in the ANBU for _how many_ years? Surely he wouldn't make such a rookie mistake.

xxxxxxx

It's understandable if Kakashi is simply too exhausted to engage another enemy; this is directed toward fics where -_days later_- he acts like some master CSI analyst cracking a case, dramatically announcing, "That hunter-nin was actually a _fake_!"

It's like the 'Drop the genjutsu; we all know this is only the second floor' scene from the Chuunin Exams arc: some people miss the point entirely.


	68. Hard to Replace? Try WalMart

**Hard to Replace? Try Wal-Mart**

**

* * *

**

Somewhat confused, Neji slowly unwrapped the gaily appointed package that had come with the sympathy card.

"A new doormat?" he questioned, giving Naruto a blank look. Considering all the damage and loss of life the village had sustained during the Akatsuki Invasion, this seemed a rather… _puzzling_ choice for a gift.

"Well, I thought you could use one," the unpredictable blond explained. "Since Pein kind of… Well, _you know_."

Comprehension dawning, Neji smiled at his -surprisingly- perceptive friend.

"You really _are_ the best," he said.

It was, after all, _much_ more appropriate than _flowers_.

* * *

**A.N.**

See? I can be subtle and shit.

Though a Hyuuga with a 'blank look' does seem kind of redundant.


	69. emosayswhat

**emosayswhat**

**

* * *

**

"Sasuke?" Naruto asked.

"What?" Sasuke replied.

"Chicken Butt," giggled Naruto.

xxxxxxx

"Sasuke?" Naruto asked.

"What?" Sasuke replied.

"Chicken Butt," giggled Naruto.

xxxxxxx

"Sasuke?" Naruto asked.

Sasuke, gritting his teeth, replied. "I swear to _god_, Naruto, if you say 'Chicken Butt' _one more time_…"

"I won't, I won't!" Naruto quickly exclaimed, placating his high-strung friend. "I promise!"

"Then, _WHAT?_" Sasuke snapped.

"Itachi likes _me_ better," giggled Naruto.

And then it was _on_.

* * *

**A.N.**

Oh, come on: this is _exactly_ the kind of thing Naruto would do.


	70. OC, Can You Say

**O.C., Can You Say**

**

* * *

**

Naruto was sitting at the Ichiraku Ramen Stand, having a few drinks with his friends. It was a harsh, working-man's brew, but they were of an age where they thought that made them look _cool_.

Naruto was just telling them about his latest mission against the Akatsuki, and the fearsome enemies he had faced.

"The secret to my new technique," he said, "You know, _that_ technique? Comes from the name of the girl I love: it means-"

And here Naruto was interrupted by the arrival of a newcomer that the others had never met before.

"HI, NARUTO-KUN!" she said; and before anyone else could say a word, she was off and running.

"ARE THESE YOUR FRIENDS? WOW, I AM SO GLAD TO MEET YOU ALL! NARUTO-KUN HAS TOLD ME SO MUCH ABOUT ALL OF YOU!"

"I'M A KUNOICHI, TOO! MY NAME IS OGAWA CARI, BUT YOU CAN CALL ME 'O.C.' FOR SHORT! IT'S KIND OF LIKE A NICKNAME, EVEN THOUGH IT'S JUST MY INITIALS! I MET NARUTO-KUN A FEW MONTHS AGO, WHEN MY TEAM WAS WORKING ON A D-RANK MISSION. WE WERE PAINTING A FENCE, AND HE WAS JUST WALKING BY. DID YOU EVER HAVE TO DO THAT, PAINT A FENCE OR SOMETHING FOR A D-RANK? IT'S NOT AS EASY AS YOU'D THINK! WE HAD TO SCRAPE THE OLD PAINT, THEN WASH THE FENCE TO GET ALL THE DIRT AND STUFF OFF SO THE PAINT WOULD STICK. THEN WE HAD TO PUT ON THE PRIMER. AND THEN WHEN THAT DRIED, WE HAD TO PUT ON TWO COATS OF OIL-BASED PAINT! THE PAINT WAS REALLY MESSY, AND IT WAS SO HOT OUT - WE WERE ALL SWEATY BY THE TIME WE GOT DONE!"

"SO ANYWAYS, WE WERE PAINTING THE FENCE, AND NARUTO CAME WALKING BY. I DON'T THINK I MENTIONED IT, BUT THAT WAS ONE OF OUR FIRST MISSIONS, SO WE HAD ALL BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO SOME BIG ADVENTURE! BUT IN THE END, ALL WE WERE DOING WAS PAINTING A FENCE! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? BUT LIKE I WAS SAYING, NARUTO-KUN CAME WALKING BY…"

And she just kept talking, non-stop. By the end of the first hour, Naruto and O.C. were the only ones left at the bar: Naruto's other friends having quietly made their goodbyes (and escapes) while O.C. had nattered on and on about some pointless, trivial bullshit.

It was all stuff they had done -or could easily do- themselves, and no one was interested in hearing about the 'adventures' of this complete stranger. The whole reason they had come here in the first place was to catch up with old friends and hear _their _latest stories, after all.

Unfortunately, this didn't faze O.C. _one bit_.

"SO THEN WE HAD TRAINING," she continued, not missing a beat. "AND WE WERE ALL LIKE, 'YEAH! WE'RE FINALLY GOING TO LEARN SOME AWESOME NEW TECHNIQUES! BUT THEN OUR SENSEI JUST HAD US SPAR AGAINST EACH OTHER! IT WAS REALLY LAME! DID I TELL YOU ABOUT MY SENSEI? I DON'T THINK I DID. HE'S A REALLY NICE GUY! HE'S AVERAGE HEIGHT, AND HE HAS KIND OF A MEDIUM BUILD. HE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE ANYTHING SPECIAL, I GUESS - BUT LET ME TELL YOU! HE REALLY KNOWS A LOT! HE BEAT ALL THREE OF US WHEN WE HAD OUR GENIN TEST! AND HE'S SO STRONG, HE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO USE ANY TECHNIQUES! HE JUST PUNCHED US IN THE FACE, ONE, TWO, THREE, AND THERE WE WERE, ALL LAID OUT LIKE TOMORROW'S SCHOOL CLOTHES! HE SAID THAT WE HAD TO BE THE…"

"**You know the difference between this chick and a shovel?"** the Kyuubi asked, from inside the mindscape. **"A **_**shovel**_** doesn't follow you around after you use it."**

**"****What the hell were you **_**thinking**_**?" **he continued, feeling more blood-thirsty than he had in years. **"Come on, I'll give you the chakra to make it quick and painless (**_**you pussy**_**); just put her out of our misery already!"**

Naruto was, quite honestly, tempted; and for once he had to agree with the 9-Tails. But he steeled his nerves, and - telling O.C. how _great _it was to see her and how they simply _must_ get together again some (undefined) time - he beat a hasty exit, abandoning the ramen stand owner to the girl's verbal diarrhea.

He'd have to make due with instant for a few months, sure; but sometimes, sacrifices have to be made. All in all though, he thought it was worth it.

He _might _even still be able to catch up with his _real_ friends, and finish that story. Where had he left off again?

"AW, DID EVERYONE HAVE TO LEAVE ALREADY?" O.C. continued, unheeding of Ichiraku Teuchi turning off the lights, hoping to lock up and go home. "I WAS JUST GETTING TO THE MOST INTERESTING PART, TOO! I FINALLY UNLOCKED MY BLOODLINE, AND MY GRANDMA LET ME SIGN THE SUMMONING CONTRACT FOR THE UNICORNS! AND THEY'RE REALLY NEAT, TOO! THEY TAUGHT ME SOME TECHNIQUES THAT CAN TAKE OUT A WHOLE CITY! AND ONE TIME…"

* * *

**A.N.**

And that's pretty much how I feel about OCs.


	71. Promise of a Lifetime

**Promise of a Lifetime  
**

**

* * *

**

Serving detention for one of his pranks, Naruto idly looked over the list of class standings that Iruka had posted earlier in the day.

"Hmmm, Sasuske's in the top slot?" Naruto observed. "Well, no surprise there, I guess; I have to admit, he actually _is_ pretty good."

Naruto continued reading.

"_Sakura_ is the top kunoichi for academics?" he noted incredulously. "And _Ino_ is the top kunoichi for practical skills?"

"_Damn_," he said, reaching the obvious conclusion, "That _other_ girl must _suck_."

Reading still further down the list, Naruto continued. "Shino, Kiba, What's-His-Face, The Nose Picker, Chouji, Nobody, Nobody, Nobody, Shikamaru… Ah, _there_ I am: _dead last_."

That didn't come as much of a shock, either. Naruto knew that he wasn't a very good ninja: he skipped out on a lot of classes, he rarely did the homework, he couldn't do the techniques, and his taijutsu… Well, that was just something he pulled out of his ass, rather than taking the time to learn the basic (and effective) academy style.

It wasn't that he didn't want to be better; he did. He just didn't want to do what was necessary to _get_ better: go to class, train like hell, and _listen_ to the people that actually knew what they were talking about.

Naruto had a short attention span, and those things were _boring_. He craved attention; and since he didn't immediately excel at those things, it was unlikely he would get the attention he wanted unless he seriously buckled down and worked hard to improve.

And so he pranked, instead. Which was much more fun -in the sense of immediate gratification- than training.

With few exceptions, the people of the village didn't hate Naruto. They had been told that Yondaime had devised a seal that would contain the demon, and that was good enough for them. Yondaime's name just carried that kind of weight in Konoha.

"Yondaime?" they'd say, "Oh, sure; that man was _brilliant_. There was _nothing_ he couldn't do."

So -with few exceptions- they didn't _care_ that Naruto was a jinchuuriki. In fact, they didn't care about Naruto at all. Face it, it was a ninja village, and _everybody_ had a hard luck story. You couldn't throw a kunai without winging an orphan (or _creating_ one - which was kind of the point). Nobody spared Naruto a second glance. _And it drove him __crazy__._

xxxxxxx

Finally freed from his solitary confinement, Naruto went over the final details for his latest prank. _This_ would shock those smug council bastards out of their complacent little routines. And he had to say, it was _foolproof_.

xxxxxxx

Staring at the masked _Ne_ ANBU that held Naruto by the scruff of his 'Hunter Protective Orange' jumpsuit's collar, Shimura Danzō frowned.

"You're about 60 years too early to pull that kind of shit on _me_, Punk," he scowled.

"_But how?"_ Naruto protested, more _frustrated_ at being caught than he was concerned about the predicament he'd landed himself in. "That plan was foolproof!"

"There's an old saying among weapons manufacturers, Kid," Danzō explained. "'_Try all you like to make something more foolproof; but all you'll manage is finding a better fool_.' You're underestimating yourself."

Naruto wrinkled his brow trying to keep up with the old man's word-play, but finally smiled at the misperceived 'compliment'. He _hated_ being underestimated, after all.

"You're right, Lefty!" Naruto exclaimed, glibly underscoring his new 'friend's' infirmity. "I'm going to be Hokage! Believe it!"

"And how will you manage _that_, hmm?" Danzō asked. "By skipping classes and pranking your future constituents? Is that _another_ one of your 'foolproof' plans?"

Naruto glowered at his one-eyed captor. How the hell did this get turned around and bite _him_ in the ass? Oh, right.

"But the classes are so _boring_," he whined. "They never teach us anything _useful_. It's all, '_When did the Shodai first get wood_', or '_What was the Sandaime Kazekage's favorite sandwich_'. I don't even know what a chiyo sandwich _is_, for Pete's sake!"

_"Count your blessings," _Danzō thought to himself, shuddering at the memory of _that_ failed infiltration mission.

"So, you don't think it's useful to learn about strategies that have been used in past battles?" he asked the boy. "You don't think a _Hokage_ needs to know the history of his enemies, to understand their motivations and predict their actions? Or the economic and political factors that affect his village?"

Naruto gaped dumbly. He hadn't thought about it like _that_.

"The _Shodai_ created this village, using his _Moukuton_ techniques. The _Nidaime_ mastered his water affinity to such an extent, he could pull _suiton_ techniques out of dry desert air - _and_ he created most of our organizational structure, including the Academy, the ANBU, the Chuunin Exam system and the Military Police Force. The _Sandaime_ earned _his_ nickname, 'The Professor', for knowing more than a thousand jutsu. And the _Yondaime_ was such an expert at _fuuinjutsu_, he was able to seal the greatest demon of all time."

Realizing _what_ exactly he had just let slip, Danzō hurried to continue.

"_You_? You're a snot-nosed little crybaby, coasting through life. You are a lazy and petulant child, more interested in playing puerile games than developing your skills. You are a callow, fatuous, unmitigated and unrepentant _loser_, with no hope of _ever_ becoming Hokage - at least, _not as you are now_."

"Do you want to keep _pretending_ that you will be Hokage, or do you actually want to _be_ Hokage?" Danzō demanded.

Naruto silently considered the bandaged man, now silent after his passionate diatribe and looking down at him with a stern and disapproving glare.

"Teach me," he said quietly, when he finally found his voice again. "_Please_."

Now it was _Danzō's_ turn to stare (though of course _he_ did a much better job concealing his incredulity). _This_ was certainly an unexpected change of affairs. But when Opportunity knocks…

"And why would I do that?" he asked, narrowing his eyes in a shrewd and thoughtful manner.

"Everybody ignores me," Naruto said softly, burning eyes transfixed on the floor. "I _know_ I'm not a good ninja, but nobody pays any attention to me. Even the Old Man just laughs and blows me off, when I say I'm going to be Hokage,"

"But _you_," he continued, looking up at the man. "You're not just telling me what I want to hear, trying to get rid of me; you really seem _interested_, like I'm important enough to take up your time."

Naruto's voice was breaking, but he pushed on; clawing and scraping to hold on to this first small scrap of recognition.

"If you train me, I _swear _I will work hard; I'll do everything you say, and I'll never complain. I don't know if I'll ever be Hokage," and even _this_ admission seemed somehow less significant, when presented with this tangible _new _goal glittering before him. "But I know I can -I _will-_ make you proud."

Danzō gave him an appraising look, dragging the seconds out while the blond felt the fate of the world hanging in the balance.

"Alright, Naruto," he finally said, somber yet kind. "I _will_ train you."

"And in turn, let this be _my_ oath to _you_," Danzō continued, taking a knee and leaning on his cane to address the boy eye to eye.

"I will do everything in my power to make you the strongest ninja in the village. I will do anything I can to support you. And when the time comes and you _are_ made Hokage, I will be _right there_, behind you all the way."

"By the Great Tree of Konoha, by the Blood of the Fallen, _all this do I swear_."

And so saying, Danzō struck his cane against the granite floor, and his one visible eye sparked intently.

The chamber was still, silent; as though carved from crystal, the two figures stared at one another, unmoving.

Suddenly, Naruto leapt at Danzō… and hugged him tightly, grateful tears sliding hot and wet down his whiskered cheeks.

Somehow, he could just _tell_ that the battered old man -_his new sensei_- had meant _every word_.

Things were going to be _different _now for Uzumaki Naruto. Believe it!

* * *

**A.N.**

Chiyo was a great asset to Suna in the 2nd Great Shinobi World War, and she's an expert on poisons; why _wouldn't_ Konoha call her the 'Sand Witch'?

Say what you want about canon Danzō: he was _still _the only one in the whole village who had confidence in Naruto and wanted to help make his dream - to be the strongest ninja in the village - come true.  
(He just wanted that strong ninja on a very short leash, with a tag that said, "Property of _'Ne'_".)

This chapter should have actually ended at the 'other girl' bit. But I read a lot of stories that start off good, then go off on some wild-ass tangent, seemingly without any kind of plan or direction. Sometimes 'Less is More', folks; this whole ridiculous enterprise is based on that assumption.


	72. Pulling Strings

**Pulling Strings**

**

* * *

**

St. Peter was manning his station at the Pearly Gates, reviewing the case files of the newly-deceased and deciding where they would spend eternity.

But he had been on-duty for several eons now, without a break; and frankly, his back teeth were swimming. He needed to _go_.

So he called up the next person in line -a young-looking boy, it seemed- and explained the situation. Then he asked the boy to cover for him for a little while.

The boy was reluctant, because he didn't know what to do; so St. Peter explained that all he needed to do was find out something about the other people as they arrived in Heaven, and decide whether or not they should be let in.

Easy-peasey.

So the boy takes up his post. And after a while, he sees an old man approaching who looks… _familiar_, somehow.

He proceeds to ask the old man to tell him a little bit about himself, as instructed.

"I had a very sad life," the old man began. "I come from a family of puppeteers. I had a son who I lost at a relatively young age. And even though some people called him an unnatural child, I loved him dearly. I was later told that he fell in with a rough crowd, and did some bad things."

Looking at the rather shocked expression on the boy's face - and knowing what a delicate situation he was in (being judged and all) - the old man decided that he had better come clean.

"I suppose I should tell you," he finally said, "That my son was actually a _puppet_."

Sasori welled up with emotions he had long repressed. He threw his arms around the old man and cried, "_Daddy_!"

To which the old man responded, "Pinocchio!"

* * *

**A.N.**

Yeah, it's an old joke.

But WTF? All that was left of Sasori was his heart, in a _can_? Where was his _brain_?

Makes me think he's got a job writing manga somewhere.


	73. What's in a Name

**What's in a Name**

**

* * *

**

Tsunade, Jiraiya and Orochimaru were sitting in a bar just outside of Amegakure, celebrating not-being-killed by Hanzō and drinking their nerves away.

"Just think," Jiraiya crowed, finishing his third bottle and flagging down the waitress for another. "We went in against the legendary _Hanzō_. 'The Salamander' himself! And we came out of it _alive_!"

"We _did_ get pretty lucky," Orochimaru concurred, nodding his head thoughtfully. "Not many can boast of such a narrow escape, against such a formidable opponent."

"'_Lucky'_?" Jiraiya shouted indignantly, his bravado increasing in an inverse relationship with his capacity for short-term memory {which can be best expressed formulaically by the Ninja Theory of Relativity: Awesomeness = Event x ((Distance x (Time / Space)) / Alcohol)}. "'_Escape'_? We didn't _escape_! Hanzō recognized our incredible skills! If anything, _I'd_ call it a _standoff_. We _totally_ stared that little bitch down!"

"Oh, come on, Jiraiya," said Tsunade, rolling her eyes at her flamboyant teammate's theatrical grandstanding. "It's not really something to _brag_ about. He just didn't feel like killing us, that's all. Take it for what it is, and count your blessings." She wanted to nip this in the bud as quickly as possible, knowing what Jiraiya could be like, when he got like this.

Unfortunately, it was too late for such piddling half-measures to be effective against the recalcitrant Jiraiya, and she was too exhausted to throw the customary donkey punch that would terminate the argument conclusively.

"Are you _kidding_?" he rejoined, alcohol-fueled exuberance undiminished. "This could be the start of our _legend__!_ People will sit around campfires and sing songs of our glory! And everyone will know the names of Jiraiya, Orochimaru, and Tsunade: _The Victors of Cloud__!_"

"Idiot," Tsunade grimaced, "You can't just make up your own nickname!"

(Though if she were being honest, she _may_ have simply been irked at being placed at the foot of the billing. Why couldn't it be Tsunade, Orochimaru and Jiraiya? 'Ladies first', and all that...)

"Strictly speaking," Orochimaru smirked, half in the bag himself by now and starting to run with the idea. "We don't _have_ to: Hanzō _did_ call us, _'The Three Ninjas'_, after all."

"Hey, you know what?" said Jiraiya, recognizing the potential here and instantly on-board with the idea. "That's not bad! It has kind of a ring to it!"

"'The Three Ninjas'?" Tsunade rolled the phrase around in her mouth like the cheap sake they were drinking. "And what is that supposed to _mean_, exactly?"

That's the _beauty_ of it," Orochimaru explained with a long-suffering sigh, as though to a very slow child. (Which, in comparison to himself, was simply what he considered her to _be_, after all; and even so, it was still a step above Jiraiya, to whom he referred -both privately and publicly- as, 'That Glue-Sniffing Crack Baby'.) "We're not making any claims, and we're not saying anything untrue. People can-"

"People can just assume what they like!" Jiraiya blithely interrupted, making an extravagant hand gesture for emphasis and sloshing his drink on the carpet.

"And people can assume what they like," Orochimaru continued unperturbed, as though Jiraiya had _not_ just thoroughly cock-blocked him.

A few more words were exchanged on the matter, but with three S-class egos at play, it was a foregone conclusion.

"I say we go with it," Jiraiya finally said, raising his saucer in a jaunty toast. "To _The Three Ninjas_!"

"The Three Ninjas!" Orochimaru and Tsunade joined in, clinking their own cups to Jiraiya's with varying degrees of inebriate enthusiasm.

_"'Inbooziasm' should totally be a real word,"_ Tsunade observed, _sotto voce_.

_"I can't believe I tapped that," _Orochimaru did the same, only better. _"Never again!"_

Suddenly, a man jumped up from a nearby table. He was wearing a hat.

"Are _you_ the Three Ninjas?" he asked. "Then I must challenge you!"

"And who the hell are _you_?" Tsunade -the _Sannin_- replied, less than thrilled that some 'nobody' was trying to harsh her hard-earned buzz.

"I am, 'The Guy With The Hat'!" the man with the hat rejoined.

"'_The Guy With The Hat_'?" gasped a girl wearing an apron, standing by the jukebox. "Then I must challenge you!"

"And who are you?" said -as they had since discovered- The Guy With The Hat.

"I am, 'That Woman From The Ramen Stand'!" replied the woman, striking a dramatic pose.

"'_That Woman From The Ramen Stand_'?" shouted a man walking back from the bathroom, doing up his fly. "Then I must challenge you!"

xxxxxxx

And so it went, back and forth, with one new challenge after another. So far they had added Those Assholes Down In Accounting, The Girl Who Makes His Coffee, The Guy Who Cleans His Pool, That One Dude With The Hair Lip, That Skeevy Fella That Hangs Out With Rick (You Know, _Rick_), and The Two Idiots Pretending To Be Ninjas. The whole bar was on its feet, pointing, posing and challenging. The chaos was even beginning to spill over onto the sidewalk outside.

Hanzō, it seemed, knew _everybody_.

Amidst all the uproar, Tsunade sat, staring pointedly at Jiraiya and drumming her fingers on the table. (She would have crossed her arms across her chest to further the effect, but… well, with her build, it would have looked more like she was taking a nap at a desk. Not very intimidating.)

"So, '_Team Sarutobi_' it is, then?" Jiraiya finally suggested in a rather small voice, trying to sound casual.

"Sounds good to me," Orochimaru agreed.

* * *

**A.N.**

Well, like my mother always says, You can't please everybody.

(_Your_ mother, on the other hand, always says, "Oh, God! You're splitting me in half!")


	74. What's in a Name II

**What's in a Name II**

**

* * *

**

Umino Iruka was making his way through the forest surrounding the Village Hidden in the Leaves, returning from a routine solo S-class assassination mission.

No big.

Suddenly he stopped short, going so far as to remove his ANBU dolphin mask to get a better look at the scene before him.

(It was kind of retarded, wearing a mask - which was, ostensibly, supposed to _conceal _the wearer's identity, after all- and then choosing one that basically spelled his name out, right there for Kami and everyone to see; but hey, _everybody _did it.)

Iruka could not believe his eyes.

The former Hyuuga heiress, bruised and battered, was bound, gagged and hanging from a tree branch.

And down below was Naruto: blindfolded, spinning, and swinging at her with an old broom handle.

There was a muffled, "Eep!" each time he connected.

And then there wasn't.

"_Naruto_!" Iruka shouted. "What in Kami's name are you _doing_?"

"Oh, hey, Iruka-sensei," the blond casually greeted, pushing the blindfold up from over one eye. "I'm _trying_ to get the candy to come out. Pablito-kun told me about it: he said it's a tradition where he's from."

Iruka pinched the bridge of his nose, and tried counting to _ju_.

"That's a _piñata_, Naruto. This girl's name is _Hinata_." Iruka patiently explained, ruffling the hair of his favorite little knucklehead.

"Then why didn't she _say_ something?" Naruto asked innocently, scratching the back of his neck.

Iruka just chuckled and shook his head as he prepared a fire jutsu.

Everybody was sure to get a laugh out of this one, back at the ramen stand.


	75. In Review

**In Review**

**

* * *

**

"I just want to say, I really love your story! It's got a lot of stuff going on… and stuff. I'm not really crazy about some of the character bashing, but I guess you're just trying to be funny. I love your sense of humor though! You must be a really interesting guy! (I'm guessing you're a guy. You are a guy, right? Right?) And you're so brave and confident, posting this stuff anonymously on the internets. I really admire that. I read a lot of stories here (even though my stupid 'family' thinks I should be studying, instead). We would totally hit it off! Everybody says I'm really cute, and I have a very bubbly personality. (I mean down deep, where it really counts.) I'm really girly, and my cousin says I have a big heart. But I'm kind of a tomboy, too! Don't worry! I can be anything you like! You would be totally into me! I have an adorable button nose, and pale lavender eyes. My hair is so black, it's almost blue. (Or maybe it's so blue, it's almost black; I've never really been too sure which.) I have it cut short, but it's really cute - like a pixie! Or a lesbian. I do this thing with my fingers… (blush). And I've got a pretty nice rack, too! For a 12-year old…"

* * *

**A.N.**

I never get reviews like that. **T**ô**T**

**

* * *

**

**A.N. II**

_Please_ don't leave me reviews like that. It was a joke. Can you guess who's writing?

Though I honestly _did_ see a review like this -_including_ that final punchline- a couple of weeks ago. It was funnier than anything I have ever read or written in my life. If I could find it again, I would gladly give due credit.

(On second thought, I can't remember; maybe it was on Craig's List.)


	76. Knowing Who Your Friends Are

**Knowing Who Your Friends Are**

**

* * *

**

Naruto was facing Kiba in the Chuunin Exam preliminaries.

He looked like he had been mauled by a bear. His clothes were in shreds, and he had the body to match. Kiba, without a scratch on him -and not even breathing hard- was handing Naruto his ass.

He needed to think of something. _Fast_.

What the hell had he heard about the Inuzuka again?

"'_The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog'_?" No, that wasn't it. Stupid Mavis Beacon!

Something about their heightened senses…

And Bingo was his name-o. If he could just pull this one out…

His body tensed with effort, just as Kiba came in close to make a spinning sweep kick from behind.

_Brrrappp._

Thank Kami for that all-ramen diet.

Naruto jumped forward and spun, expecting to take a now-incapacitated Kiba by surprise.

The only surprise, however, was finding the tattooed boy making the seals to launch yet _another _punishing _Tsūga_.

"I come from a clan of _dog users_, Moron," the heir to the Inuzuka clarified for the stunned blond, now dead in his sights. "We say _Hello_ by sniffing each other's butts."

"_Hello_," thought Naruto as the lights went out, suddenly wearing the other boy like a hat.


	77. Sounds Like My Ex

**Sounds Like My Ex**

**

* * *

**

Naruto looked through the bars of the massive cage, and was surprised to find an attractive, red-haired woman.

"Hey!" he shouted. "I never knew you were a _girl!_ Well, gee, you must be pretty lonely in there…"

And before you could say, '_Yamada Tarō'_, he was through the bars and hugging her affectionately.

It took the ancient demon fox about five seconds to 1) rip out his heart; 2) rip off his head; and 3) strip the flesh from his carcass.

Smacking her lips appreciatively as the cage bars dissolved around her, the Kyuubi chuckled.

"You don't know much about women, do you, Dumbass?"

* * *

**A.N.**

This was a request.

Kyuubi is supposed to be a thousand-year old demon; but a lot of writers seem to think that if you slap a pair of tits on it, she'll suddenly see this short-lived monkey as her baby - or as her lover.

They aren't made out of her _brain matter_, fellas.


	78. Like the Severely Constipated Man Said

**Like the Severely Constipated Man Said, I've Been Waiting Eleven Years for **_**this**_** Crap?**

**

* * *

**

Naruto had just repelled the Akatsuki Invasion.

He had defeated the Deva Path, the Asura Path, the Human Path, the Animal Path, the Preta Path, the Naraka Path, the Outer Path, the Wal-Mart Greeter Path, the Where Are My Car Keys Path, the Cable Guy Path, the Bad Haircut Path, the Give Me A Dollar! Path, the SpongeBob Path, the Garden Path, the Read The Card, Thilly! Path, the Classic Hail Mary Path, the Tale of Chaucer's Wife Path, the Academy Hallway Path, the Ghost of Christmas Path…

Finally, after standing off Pein's whole _pandilla_, Naruto tracked down Nalgato himself.

But they weren't fighting.

_Per se._

xxxxxxx

"Jesus, Dude," Naruto said. "What the hell did you even _need_ the jinchuuriki for, if you can wipe out a whole hidden village by yourself?"

"Yo, Cholito," Nalgato replied. "Don't ask _me, _mang_. _That whole loco plan with the demons was _Madara's_ idea. _Ese vato es un puto retraso completo. _He wants to hypnotize people using _la luna_ to make them think they are living _la buena__ vida_."

"You mean like _'The Matrix'_?" Naruto asked incredulously. "_Tú me estás jodiendo._ Everybody _knows _that's bollocks!"

"People fight over _everything_ - land, food, money, resources, tennis shoes, parking places, you name it; that illusion will fail the first time someone gets stung by a mosquito!"

"And besides, dissatisfaction is the mother of invention! If everyone is _hypnotized_, who's going to invent a product that will turn on the lights when I clap my hands, or a towelette that absorbs a hundred times its weight in water, or a crazy Japanese toilet that will give me a light show and a 'Rust & Dust' every time I have a BM?"

"_Chileate_, Ése," Nalgato said. "I told you, that's all _Madara_. Me, I just want whirled peas."

"World peace?" Naruto repeated. "Now we're getting somewhere!"

xxxxxxx

After hearing Pein's story - a lifetime's pursuit of the perfect _Sopa de Chicharo_ (with garlic, chilies, and just a touch of mint - a dish he'd loved so much as a _pobrecito_, he'd named his little _dog_, ChiChi, after it) - Naruto told him and Konan that, in order to break the cycle of hatred, he would not kill them.

"Then I will break that curse!" Naruto shouted. "If there is such thing as peace, I _will _find it. I won't give up!"

_"Por Vida,_" he vowed, earnestly thumping a clenched right fist to his left breast.

Inspired by Naruto's passionate response, Nalgato revived all of the people that he had just killed.

Just.

Like.

That.

xxxxxxx

Naruto stood before the second-coming of the people of Konoha, and closed his eyes to bask in the-

Rotten vegetables? Broken bottles? The occasional _brick_? "What the _hell?_"

"What the hell?" the people cried. "That guy killed us! He killed all of your friends, destroyed all our homes, and _you_ weren't even going to take him down? You _asshole!_"

Naruto had tears running down his cheeks as he looked out over the crowd.

The whole village - they finally recognized him for who _he _was, and not the Fox!

It was the happiest day of his life.

* * *

**A.N.**

When the hell did Jiraiya _ever_ talk about wanting peace? He may have been constantly telling every woman he met that he wanted _a_ piece, but other than that…

Don't listen to the Crowd: the Crowd never wrote, painted, composed or invented _anything_. The Crowd _always_ makes the wrong choice (electing W {twice!}, freeing Barabbas, Invading Iraq, CitiBank, National Socialism, the Ford Taurus, Invading Iraq _again_, Lee instead of Crystal, NaruHina). Write the story _you_ want.

On second thought: write the story _I_ want. You're not the only one getting bored with this.

* * *

**A.N. II**

As if this wasn't pointless enough, I have now added 18 percent more crack. But I kind of dig this Gang-Banger!Nagato.

I usually hide explanatory notes like this on my Profile page (in case you've been wondering about the Rasen-Frasengen or Operation: Acoustic Kitty), but since they are so egregious this time, I'll help you out with the worst of them. Google or the Urban Dictionary _should _work for the rest.

_Nalgato'rio_ is an augmentative derivative of _nalga_ (buttock, haunch, posterior); so Nalgato's bastardized name _should_ mean, 'Big Booty'.  
(I absolutely shudder, imagining _his_ ANBU mask.)

Sopa de Chicharo = Split-Pea Soup (made with puréed -or _whirled_, in some regions- peas)

"Ese vato es un puto retraso completo." = "That guy is a complete fucking retard."

"Tú me estás jodiendo." = "You have _got _to be fucking _kidding_ me."

Chileate = Imperative form of _Chilear_, an Anglicism from the English slang "to chill out" or "calm down/relax".

'Rust & Dust' = Car Dealer slang for Rust Protection and Underbody Treatment (aka 'sucker money').


	79. Protecting the King

**Protecting the King  
**

**

* * *

**

Naruto had just returned from the Valley of the End, dragging a broken and battered Uchiha Sasuke behind him.

As he approached the village gates, he noticed that a surprisingly large crowd had gathered, waiting.

"Must be my Hero's Welcome, for bringing back the sharingan," the delusional Naruto thought giddily to himself.

Step, drag, step, drag…

"Still, if this many people knew I was coming, couldn't they have met me partway, and given me a hand?"

Step. Drag. Step. Drag…

"And where the hell _were _all of them when this mission was assigned to a bunch of rookie genin, anyway?"

Step... Drag... Step... Drag… Plonk.

Just within the massive gates, he finally passed out from the pain and blood loss of that irksome _Chidori_ to the chest.

xxxxxxx

When he came to a few minutes later, Sakura was clinging to the turncoat Uchiha as the medic-nin tried their best to work around her. Tsunade was in tears. And the council…

The council looked like they had just gotten laid. By the entire cast of _Icha Icha: the Movie_. On a pile of winning lottery tickets.

"Uzumaki Naruto," Utatane Koharu's nasal voice cut through the crowd's heated murmurs like a chakra-enhanced kunai. "For your willful and unprovoked attack on a fellow Leaf nin -_obviously _an act of jealousy on your part- and based on evidence that you drew upon the _Kyuubi's_ chakra in said assault-"

The crowd gasped.

"Which _clearly _shows your lack of control and the danger you represent to the _good_ citizens of Konoha,"

"We hereby _banish_ you," Mitokado Homura's raspy baritone rang out the sentence with the haunting clarity of a temple bell.

Shimura Danzō's bandaged face looked livid, but he kept his tongue in check. The old fossils had too much dirt on him to win this one. The greatest weapon in the village arsenal had finally slipped through his fingers for good.

"I'm so sorry, Naruto," Tsunade choked out. "But I'm only a figurehead. The civilian council, made up of shopkeepers and tradesmen, actually holds all the power in this ninja village/military base. It's the only representative democracy in our feudal society. And for some reason I can't quite grasp, the _Third's_ teammates are still the Council Elders, rather than my own teammates or people of my choosing. There's simply nothing I can do."

"It's cool," Naruto said in an off-hand manner, surprising everyone present. "They don't want me here? Well, plenty of _other_ places do."

"There's Suna, of course - where my fellow jinchuuriki is already the Godaime Kazekage. There's Snow Country and Wave, where I am considered a national hero. After I knocked out Sasuke, Kabuto told me that Orochimaru would _love _to have me. Iwa thinks that turning the son of their greatest enemy would be an absolute _coup_, both politically and militarily. And Uchiha Itachi has informed me that the Akatsuki would actually like to _join forces_ with any jinchuuriki who can harness the power of their bijuu."

"But personally, my _favorite_ choice is Hidden Cloud. They take care of _their_ jinchuuriki -the Raikage's own _brother_ is a jink, did you know that?- and when I told them what _else_ I'd be bringing with me, they damn near went _nuts_: my own estate, elite jounin rank, the best trainers, the works."

"But most of all, it will be more of a _home_ to me than _this_ shit hole _ever _was."

And with that, Uzumaki Naruto tossed his Leaf _hitai-ate_ to the ground, spat, turned on his heel, and leapt over the wall.

There would, eventually, be pursuit - when it was discovered that the former Hyuuga heiress was _also _missing.

(Missing her _head_, that is to say.)

But when Uzumaki Naruto finally _did_ return to Konoha, it was under his own terms.

Leading a combined force of Cloud, Stone, Sand, Rain, Snow, Mist, Sound and Waterfall shinobi, with four other jinchuuriki and the Akatsuki in tow.

He took the hat, of course, as a souvenir (he was still the sentimental sort) - but they left no survivors.

His final act was severing the heads from the mountain.

He didn't carve his own colossal image in their place, nor the symbol of the 9-Tails, nor any other gaudy and extravagant display, as some of his detractors might have predicted back in his attention-starved youth.

He merely left the broken heads -of those who had _formerly _been the greatest shinobi Konoha had ever produced- scattered where they fell, like the ruins of Ozymandias, staring blankly across the wasteland that _had _been the Village Hidden in the Leaves.

Even still, there would be no doubt, among future generations, just who was responsible.

Emperor Uzumaki already had monuments enough of his own.

* * *

**A.N.**

_Banished?_ That's as dumb as letting Orochimaru have the sharingan for three years.

Asuma tells Shikamaru that the goal must always be to 'protect the king' - but leaves the identity of the 'king' a puzzle for Shikamaru to figure out on his own.

Of course, Kishi's balls never dropped, so he turns it all into some smarmy, sanctimonious 'think of the children' future-generations shit.

(Okay, okay - So it's not like a couple of atom bombs wouldn't fuck up _your _national consciousness for generations, as well.)

But what if we take Asuma's analogy at face value, instead?

If you lose the king, you lose the game.

So who is the king?


	80. We Won Because We're the Good Guys

**Because ****We Won Because ****We're the Good Guys Because We Won Because We're the Good Guys Because We Won Because**

**

* * *

**

"So let me get this straight," 13-year old ANBU captain Uchiha Itachi said, making a herculean effort to cut through the vague political rhetoric, dissembling phraseology and flat-out _bullshit _of the past hour's 'conversation'. "You're saying that the Uchiha have grown resentful of being marginalized by the Village…"

"Correct," said Koharu, giving a single juddering nod of her withered old head in acknowledgment.

"_Marginalized_, even though you consider them to be one of the most powerful shinobi clans - as evidenced by your current fears…"

"True enough," Homura admitted, looking rather uncomfortable under the boy's intense gaze.

"_And _even though they helped to _create _this village, working side by side with the -_now defunct_- Senju clan..."

"A tragic fall," said Sarutobi, pretending to look mournful (though it remained unclear just _which _of the two great clans he was supposed to be grieving).

"Because you _have_, in fact, segregated them from the rest of the village, breeding fear and mistrust among the rest of the citizenry, and keeping them from achieving any real political power…"

"They can't be trusted!" shouted Danzō, slamming his single usable fist down on the table hard enough to rattle the teacups. "That bastard, Madara-"

"Was _one_ man, _rejected_ by his clan, who _died_ at the hands of the Shodai over sixty years ago," Itachi interrupted, glaring at the one-eyed man as only a 13-year old boy can do.

"_Way to hold a grudge,"_ he added quietly, with a frown.

"And _besides_," Itachi continued, once again addressing the others. "He was simply afraid that you were going to do _exactly_ what you _have_ done. He was right all along…"

"Enough," Sarutobi interjected, affecting his patented 'tough-but-fair' grandfatherly demeanor in an attempt to get the conversation back on track. "We are not here to point fingers…"

"_Actually,"_ Itachi thought to himself, _"That seems to be __precisely__ why you are here. But you seem to forget - When you point your finger at us, you leave three more fingers, pointing back at yourselves."_

"Do you understand the parameters of the mission, Itachi-kun?" Sandaime inquired, finally getting down to brass tacks.

"You suspect a coup," Itachi said, cutting straight to the heart of the matter; always the consummate professional as soon as someone mentioned the key word, 'mission'.

(It was ironic, really, that the post-hypnotic suggestion techniques used to drive Itachi to such rarefied heights of excellence could be turned against the Uchiha themselves this way; they had arrogantly thought that their little sleep-training program was better than Sylvan®.)

"And you want me to eliminate the ringleaders?" he continued, a slightly less 'coldly detached' and slightly more 'childishly hopeful' tone in his barely-adolescent voice.

"All of them," Koharu replied, with a slightly more '_chillingly_ _ominous_' tone in hers.

"You mean, everyone involved in the plot?" Itachi asked.

"_All_ of them," Homura repeated firmly, with a bit more emphasis.

"You mean, everyone supporting the supposed 'conspiracy'?" Itachi asked again.

"ALL! OF! THEM!" Danzō shouted, spelling it out for the reluctant prodigy, another delicate teacup tumbling with every punctuated syllable.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait up, hold on there, slow down, give me a second here," the normally stone-faced Itachi stammered, trying -with little success- to wrap his head around this mind-blowing concept. "You mean, 'all of them', as in... _everyone_?"

"Not just the 'guilty', or even those guilty by association, but _everyone_? The elderly, the disabled, the non-shinobi shopkeepers, pregnant women, untrained kids, babies, Uchiha-by-marriage…"

"_Yes_. All of them," the Third replied, cutting him off before (he hoped) it started sounding ridiculous. _"It is for the good of the Village."_

"For the good of the Village?" Itachi repeated dully. (ANBU had their _own_ post-hypnotic key words as well, after all.)

"And what about _me_?" Itachi asked at last, finally coming back to his senses somewhat. "_I'm_ an Uchiha, just like the others. Do you not fear and mistrust _me_? What will become of me, after I perform this task for you?"

"Don't worry, Itachi-kun," Sarutobi replied, with that horrible fake smile on his face. "There is no question in our minds about you. You have proven your strength and your loyalty. We will take care of you, after you complete your assignment."

"_That's just what I'm afraid of,"_ Itachi thought, once again schooling his features to mask his uncertainty.

xxxxxxx

Itachi was running through the forest. He had tried to warn his kinsmen, but it was too late. Suspecting that their pawn was being influenced by useless and unbecoming 'emotions', Danzō had sent an overwhelming force of _Ne_ ANBU operatives to eliminate the 'threat' of the Uchiha clan.

That Akatsuki group he'd been hearing rumors about sounded like his only hope.

Konoha might think that they could use his pathetic little brother as leverage; but _someday_, he would have his revenge.

* * *

**A.N.**

Straight from canon.

And without Madara and the Mangekyou, Sarutobi & Co. had _no reason whatsoever_ to think that Itachi could actually pull it off.

So what were they _really _thinking?

If the ANBU had moved in to quell the resulting 'riot' in the Uchiha district, the other clans would _still_ have suspected a bloodline purge.

And if they did _not_ follow through, this abortive first-strike would have forced the Uchiha's hands, _provoking_ them into rising up against their oppressors and precipitating the much-feared and anticipated civil war.

(And _yes_, the Uchiha _were_ being oppressed; and _had been_, at least since the time of the Nidaime.)

So what outcome could they have _possibly_ been expecting? What would make 'Itachi's not-entirely-successful attempt to massacre the Uchiha clan' worth their while - and worth _losing _such a valuable resource?

The death of the clan's greatest prodigy? If they feared all Uchiha, they surely considered Itachi their greatest threat.

Elimination of the clan's strongest (disloyal) shinobi, with enough hostages ('prisoners') taken to cow the remainder? This would still lead to one of the two outcomes mentioned above.

Seizure of clan assets? A nice side benefit, sure; but it would have to be something _special_ to be a material cause, and worth losing the Uchiha over.

The further ostracization of the Uchiha as a clan of untrustworthy, uncontrollable misfits? Which brings us right back where we started from.

Weakening the Uchiha _just enough_ so that they could simply shrug this headache off onto the next generation, like climate change or Social Security? Well, that's probably as good as we can get for rationalizing Kishimoto's half-assed storylines...

But maybe _you_ can come up with something better. The fact that the _other _founding clan (the Senju) was _also _mysteriously wiped out might be a good place to start.

xxxxxxx

"_Actually,"_ Itachi thought to himself, _"That seems to be __precisely__ why you are here. But you seem to forget - When you point your finger at us, you leave three more fingers, pointing back at yourselves."_

That's such a 'zen' thing for Itachi to say. Kishimoto should have _totally _made Itachi Japanese.

xxxxxxx

The fifth of the Twelve Labors of Hercules was to clean the Augean stables in a single day. This assignment was intended to be both humiliating and impossible, since the livestock were divinely healthy and therefore produced an enormous quantity of dung. The stables had not been cleaned in over 30 years. -Wikipedia


	81. Awkward II

**Awkward II**

**

* * *

**

The mist closed in, and a choking killing intent filled the air. Sasuke whimpered.

"Don't worry, Sasuke!" Kakashi shouted, "I don't let my comrades die!'

"Not _anymore_, at least," he continued softly, losing himself once again in painful memories and bitter regrets. "I mean, not since the _only other_ team I've ever had. My best friend, and the girl I should have married. And my sensei, who was like a father to me. And then there was my _real _father, of course…"

Sakura, Tazuna, Sasuke and Naruto (in that order) slowly sank into the black pit of despair, never to emerge again.

"I don't really know what happened to my mo-"

And with a whispering _hushhh!_ the Master of Silent Killing's glittering _zanbatou_ finally brought Hatake Kakashi's torment to an end.

xxxxxxx

Walking out of Gato's office counting their money, a baffled Haku observed, "That seemed _way_ too easy."

"Yeah," Zabuza spat in disgust. "_Konoha nin_. They're all such drama queens."

* * *

**A.N.**

This may not be enough of a change to warrant a new 'story', but I saw it in a review and I thought it was freaking hilarious.

Stories where Naruto breaks down _in the middle of a fight_ because he's just made his first kill drive me crazy.


	82. You Put a Spell on Me

**You Put a Spell on Me**

**

* * *

**

In all of his time studying with the great Toad Sage, Jiraiya, Naruto only managed to pick up _one_ genjutsu technique. But it was enough.

It was difficult to classify, as far as jutsu go. It wasn't defensive in itself, though it _could_ be used for defense; and although it _was_ offensive, it wasn't really an attack.

Naruto simply called it, _that_ technique.

(Or _Ekorio_, if he was filling out paperwork.)

xxxxxxx

Orochimaru, Sasuke, Madara, Pein, the other members of Akatsuki, and the kages of Cloud and Stone were standing at the gates of Konohagakure no Sato, the Village Hidden in the Leaves - the so-called 'strongest' of the Great Five Hidden Villages. After suffering so many bitter (and _humiliating!_) defeats, they had resolved to set aside their petty differences and join together to form this unholy alliance of the world's most powerful shinobi... to _finally _bring those _Konoha bastards_ down.

"It looks like the time has come at last," Naruto thought grimly, standing on the wall and staring down at the bowel-voiding sight of their deadliest adversaries. "Forgive me; in my heart, I know you are my brothers, and I feel your pain. But you leave me no choice: I will actually have to use _that_ technique."

And so saying, he made the hand seals to cast his most widely rumored -yet never exhibited- jutsu.

The enemy was prepared, however. Recognizing the opening seals for a genjutsu, they braced themselves, ready to dispel any illusion that might be influencing them. Those with doujutsu fired them up, searching out the slightest deviation from reality.

But they couldn't detect a single fucking thing. They didn't seem to be affected _at all_.

Odd, that.

Zip. Nada. Nothing.

Maybe the Kyuubi brat really _was_ as hopeless as they'd always heard?

The women of Konoha, on the other hand -kunoichi and civilian alike- absorbed the full force of the technique.

And saw Orochimaru, Sasuke, Madara, Pein, the other members of Akatsuki, and the kages of Cloud and Stone, standing at the gates… waving their naughty bits and making smoochy-smoochy noises and catcalls.

"_Gah! Perverts!" _a thousand women cried simultaneously.

They tore into the enemy like a herd of rampaging elephants.

_Menstruating_, rampaging elephants.

They didn't leave enough behind to fill a shoebox.

xxxxxxx

Naruto didn't know _how_, but for some reason, whenever a woman he knew saw a pervert -Hell, if a guy just _looked _at her funny- she gained the strength of ten men.

If he could just harness that power for _Good_, he thought…

* * *

**A.N.**

Ekorio = Reversed Oiroke (Reversed Centerfold Technique)

(What the hell do you want from me? Do I _look_ Japanese?)

I got the ideas for today's chapters from _reviews_. (That's a hint. The well is running dry here.)


	83. VotE IV: The Anime

**VotE IV - The Anime**

**

* * *

**

Camera 13- Panorama

Set Up.

Long shot of the Valley of the End (VotE).

Pan right to _Sasuke_ and _Naruto_.

_S_ & _N_ are standing on top of the statues (_S = Uchiha Madara; N = Senju Hashirama_).

_S_ & _N_ are challenging one another.

Camera 1-6

(Uchiha Sasuke: 1- Full Body Front, 2- Full Body Back, 3- Portrait Front, 4- Portrait Back, 5- Close-Up Hands, 6- Close-Up Eyes)

Camera 1- Full Body Front: _Sasuke_, defiant.

Camera 5- Close-Up Hands: _S_ forms 'Ram' seal (releasing chakra).

Camera 3- Portrait Front: _S_ activates Cursed-Seal.

Camera 4- Portrait Back: Marks spread across _S'_ body (arm & neck).

Camera 6- Close-Up Eyes: _S_ charges up Sharingan.

Camera 3- Portrait Front: "It burns!" _S_ cries.

Camera 2- Full Body Back: _S_ collapses to ground.

Camera 7-12

(Uzumaki Naruto: 7- Full Body Front, 8- Full Body Back, 9- Portrait Front, 10- Portrait Back, 11- Close-Up Hands, 12- Close-Up Eyes)

Camera 7- Full Body Front: _Naruto_, determined.

Camera 12- Close-Up Eyes: _N_ glares (at _Sasuke_, off-camera).

Camera 11- Close-Up Hands: _N_ forms hand seals (Dog, Boar, Tiger).

Camera 9- Portrait Front: "Henge!" _N_ shouts.

Camera 10- Portrait Back: _N_ transforms into _Chouji_.

Camera 8- Full Body Back: _C_ super-sized (re- _Baika no Jutsu_).

Camera 13- Panorama: _C_ naked.

Camera 7-13- Diamond Vision®: _C_ doing the _Telephone_ dance.

Camera 13- Panorama

Resolution.

Long shot of the VotE.

_Naruto_ dragging _Sasuke_ (catatonic) home to Konoha.

* * *

**A.N.**

That whole 'photographic memory' thing with the Sharingan must be a _huge _double-edged sword.

I don't _think _this violates the TOS (it's not a back-and-forth script of _dialogue_, which seems to be the intent); but just in case, I'll make this a two-fer.

* * *

**103. No Such Thing as a Stupid Question?**

**

* * *

**

Kakashi sat on the Academy roof with the three new genin.

"Okay," he said. "Introduce yourselves: likes, dislikes, hobbies, dreams for the future; that sort of thing."

"Why don't you go first, Sensei?" Sakura suggested. "You know, show us how it's done."

There was an awkward silence.

"...Show you how it's _done_?" Kakashi repeated incredulously, his visible eye blinking so mechanically it looked like he was making a right turn.

"Okay," he finally continued, crossing his arms and pinching the bridge of his nose. "_Sakura _fails the _introduction_; and _she's_ supposed to be the _smart_ one."

"I'm sorry, I just can't do this. I _told _the Hokage it was a bad idea. You kids might as well go home." And with that, their would-be sensei shunshined away in a swirl of leaves, off to inform the Sandaime that he had rejected yet another team.

xxxxxxx

In the greater scheme of things, it was probably for the best. Sasuke and Naruto, with their bond of mutual contempt for the girl that had cost them another year at the Academy, went on to form a life-long friendship; Naruto eventually helped Sasuke to avenge his clan, and Sasuke later served _Rokudaime_ Uzumaki Naruto devotedly as the new head of the re-instated Military Police.

Sakura, of course, quickly resigned the Academy under the blistering scorn of her fleeting 'teammates'. She was well behind her age group in the civilian schools however, and when she got pregnant for the first time (not knowing any birth control jutsu) she dropped out to begin her life's work in the food-service industry.

At first she tried to console herself that she would, at least, _live_ longer than her former friends, the ninja… but 10 years later, with two ex-husbands and her fifth child on the way, she was no longer entirely convinced that was something to be very happy about.


	84. There but For the Grace of God

**There but For the Grace of God**

**

* * *

**

Chiyo, the revered council elder, puppet master and poison specialist of Sunagakure no Sato, had just given her life, using the secret kinjutsu _Kishō Tensei_, to revive Gaara.

A crowd of Suna nin had gathered -seemingly out of nowhere- and they were all cheering and crying, clapping their hands, thumping each other on the back and giving each other awkward, one-armed man hugs, grateful and relieved that their young Kazekage would be all right.

There were even _girls _-pretty ones!- arguing over who would get to _fight_ for him, _protect_ him, be _with_ him.

Naruto stood silently, off to the side, taking in the emotionally fraught scene.

"_Gaara…"_ he thought wistfully to himself with a rare, _genuine_ smile. _"They really accept you. Look how far you've come..."_

He was happy for his friend, of course; but with all he'd been through himself, he couldn't help but feel a little bit melancholy, as well.

"_I've worked so hard," _he thought, brow creasing and a small frown forming, marring his unrefined (but handsome) features._ "I've always tried to be nice to people, tried to keep smiling so I'd never be a burden…"_

"_So why don't they accept __me__?"_ he asked the silent gods of the ether._ "What is the __difference__ between us?"_

The answer to that question, he was sure, would change his life by orders of magnitude.

xxxxxxx

"Look out!"

"He's coming this way!"

"Run!"

Uzumaki Naruto stalked down the (now deserted) main street of Konoha.

He had the kanji for "ramen" tattooed across his forehead. (_All the way_ across his forehead: it was 4 sprawling characters.)

And he'd _kill_ you if you even _looked_ at him funny.

Phase 1 of his _new _plan for becoming Hokage was under way.

* * *

**A.N.**

Gaara was a psychopathic killing machine his whole life, and then -overnight- his village _loves_ him.

(Oh, that's right - _he's_ the son of a kage. I forgot. Hey, _wait _a minute...!)

If the people of Konoha are going to be such hard-asses to Naruto, maybe it's time for a little wake-up call.

(Come on, you _know _he's not the sharpest kunai in the holster: 2+2=_CAT _for this guy, for crying out loud. _Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc_ has his name written all over it.)

* * *

**A.N. II**

Emotionally disturbed twofer.

* * *

**126. Shrink my _What_?**

**

* * *

**

Naruto lay on the psychologist's couch, clutching a small pillow to his chest.

"I've been alone my whole life," he wheezed; a haunted, sunken expression on his face. "No one's ever loved me; no one's ever cared…"

The doctor took a long, thoughtful drag from his cigar, then looked back down at his clipboard.

"So tell me about your mother," he said, in a thick Viennese accent.

Naruto raised the pillow to his face and started sobbing hysterically.

* * *

**A.N. III**

Not much point to this; I was just wondering how things would go, if Naruto started seeing a therapist.


	85. The Power of Electricity

**The Power of Electricity... In My Pants**

**

* * *

**

"I'd like to register a new jutsu," newly-minted jounin Hatake Kakashi said proudly, standing at the Jutsu Registration Desk in the basement of the Hokage Tower.

"Ummm…" the chuunin staffing the desk hesitated, staring at the infamous 'whiz kid' of Team Minato. "You do understand, Sir, that it must be an _original_ technique? The Jutsu _Library_ is down the hall; _they_ deal with known techniques."

"No, no," Kakashi cheerfully interjected. "This _is_ an original technique. I have created an original technique!"

"I call it… " and here Kakashi paused to heighten the dramatic impact. "_Chidori_!"

"That's excellent, Sir!" the chuunin enthusiastically replied, wary of getting on the stuck-up prodigy's bad side. "So, what does it do, exactly?"

"It enables me to recompose my chakra's elemental nature into _raiton_, and then manipulate it spatially/physically into a weaponized form." Kakashi explained, as though reciting from a memorized text.

The chuunin stared at him dumbly.

"It lets me coat my hand with electricity, okay? I have the Power of Electricity!" Kakashi clarified, a note of giddiness creeping into his habitually monotone voice.

"Oh, okay, I see," said the chuunin, nodding in understanding. "So you are talking about elemental recombination; it's some kind of raiton technique. I'm with you so far. So you generate the raiton-natured chakra, and then what? What is the actual technique?"

"What do you mean, 'What is the actual technique'?" Kakashi huffed indignantly. "That _is_ the technique. I _stab_ stuff with it. With the Power of Electricity!"

"But that's not really a _new_ technique," the chuunin asserted dubiously. "_All_ raiton techniques start off with generating raiton-natured chakra. That's self-evident, really. _Q.E.D._ You know what I'm saying?"

Kakashi gave the chuunin a cold, menacing stare.

The chuunin began to remember that Kakashi was not referred to as a 'prodigy' because of his ability to play the piano. This boy was an experienced _killer_.

"This is my new, original technique," Kakashi repeated, back to that chilling, dead monotone. "I have the Power of Electricity. Allow me to demonstrate."

And with that, Kakashi grabbed his right wrist with his left hand, and flared his raiton-natured chakra with the sound of a thousand birds.

"mzmmzmzmz," mumbled the chuunin, drowned out by the noise.

"WHAT?' Kakashi shouted over the chirping din. "I CAN'T HEAR YOU! IT'S THE POWER-"

"RIGHT, RIGHT," the chuunin hurriedly interrupted. "JESUS! CAN YOU SHUT THAT THING OFF?"

"SU- Oh, yeah, sorry. No problem," Kakashi replied, releasing his 'technique'.

"So, your chakra _affinity_ is raiton, isn't it?" the chuunin inquired, crossing his arms and nibbling a thumbnail thoughtfully.

"How did you know that?" Kakashi asked in turn, startled by the other man's perceptive and astute observation. Was he a Yamanaka, perhaps?

"Lucky guess," the chuunin replied, shrugging it off with a slight roll of the eyes.

"So, do you need me to stab something?" Kakashi offered, eager to move the process along.

"No, no, that's quite alright," the chuunin quickly declined. "So, what _class_ is your new… your 'technique'?"

"What do you mean?" Kakashi questioned the other man.

"We class techniques just like missions; that's how we pay the creator, for adding them to our inventory. The lowest are E-ranks, and the highest are S-ranks. Of course, there are different subcategories within each class, ranging from Non-Combat to Assassination."

"What's the _highest_?" Kakashi asked.

"S-rank Assassination. But how many people can you kill with it? That will determine the level."

"If it's an _assassination_ jutsu," Kakashi frowned. "Doesn't that imply that I only _need_ to kill _one_ person?"

"I don't make the rules, Sir," the chuunin shrugged, grateful to _finally_ be seeing some light at the end of this very long, very dark tunnel.

"Well, I can kill anyone who is standing right in front of me, and not moving. Or resisting. I can't really see too well with all of that _ELECTRICITY_." Kakashi tap-danced around the question, wiggling his fingers in electric-y gestures as a distraction.

"So, multiple, unarmed, stationary targets? I guess that would be a C-"

Kakashi glared.

"I mean a B-"

Kakashi increased the voltage of his glare. With the Power of Electricity.

"An A-rank. An A-rank Assassination jutsu," the sweat-dropping chuunin confirmed, more than slightly intimidated.

"Exactly. That's _exactly _what this is: an A-rank Assassination jutsu. That _I _created." Kakashi had a smug, self-satisfied smile on his face (not that anyone could see it).

"Very good sir. I'll cut you a check."

"Nice," Kakashi acknowledged. "But could you hurry this up? I don't want to be late for my mission."

xxxxxxx

A few weeks later, Kakashi was back at the Jutsu Registration Desk. He was wearing a false nose and eyeglass combination, which covered his recently-acquired Sharingan eye.

"I'd like to register a new jutsu," he said.

"Ummm…Okaaay," said the same poor, overwrought chuunin staffing the desk, staring incredulously at the recently-christened '_Copy Nin_'. "And you do understand, Sir, that it must be an _original_ technique?"

"Yes, yes," Kakashi dismissively waved off the weak protest. "I'm an old hand at this."

"So what is your new technique?" the chuunin asked, biting back a long-suffering sigh.

(His _mother _thought a nice desk job would be a good career choice. "It will be less _dangerous_," she said. "The _hours _are better," she said. Stupid old cow. If only… )

"It's an _S-rank_ Assassination technique. It's called, _Raikiri_. Allow me to demonstrate."

"I'm sorry, Sir," the chuunin demurred, after Kakashi had performed and released this new… technique. "But I'm afraid that technique is already registered. It's called the _Chidori_."

"Don't be silly," Kakashi scoffed. "This is completely different! See? This is _blue_. The _Chidori_ is _white_."

"And you think the _color_-?" the confused chuunin began.

"Structural discombobulation," Kakashi replied, looking down his mask-covered nose. "Elemental matriculation. It's probably over your head. I _am_ a genius, you know."

"Riiiight," the chuunin slowly drawled, looking skeptical.

"And I can kill anyone I want now, moving or not. Why, I could blast right through this desk and stab you straight through the heart - for example. _Hypothetically_."

"I'll c-cut you a check," squeaked the chuunin, reaching nervously for his ledger.

xxxxxxx

And that's the story of how Hatake Kakashi - a certified _genius_ who was promoted to chuunin at the same age that other children are still mastering the finer points of bladder control - was credited with creating his only (or should we say _two_) original techniques.

* * *

**A.N.**

The _Chidori_ is more of an overpowered elemental chakra manipulation _exercise_ than a true _technique _in its own right.

And Kakashi's _affinity_ is raiton! How difficult could it have been for him to pull up a handful of raiton-natured chakra? Some 'genius'.

Sasuke's _Habataku Chidori_ is just more of the same, as well (fueled by tainted Cursed-Seal chakra).

And then calling this 7.1HP wrist-mounted chainsaw an _assassination_ technique, on top of all that? That simply takes the cake. Konoha really _does_ suck up to its 'prodigies'.

* * *

**A.N. II**

The story's been up for just under a month now: 86 'chapters', 35,000 words and 40,000 hits from 50+ countries.

I don't know about you, but _I_ was really hoping I'd find something _better _to read by now. :-\**  
**


	86. Ride the Snake

**Ride the Snake**

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* * *

**

Sasuke, Sakura and Naruto were deep in the heart of Training Ground 44 -aka the Forest of Death- taking part in the biannual Chuunin Selection Exams.

They had just stopped to take a short break, having been running non-stop since they entered their gate.

"I need to drain the snake," Naruto said, somehow never learning his lesson regarding 'situational awareness' (let alone, 'common decency') even after all these years of… negative reinforcement.

"Naruto! You can't do that here! That's… _incredible_."

Sakura's voice had gone from ream-y to dreamy in a flat 2.0 seconds (a new world record).

"Sasuke-kun, maybe you should check our perimeter?" Sakura suggested sweetly, never once shifting her transfixed, half-lidded eyes. "You know, look around for some strong enemies or something."

"And take your time," Sakura added absently, licking her lips.

The proud Uchiha Sasuke didn't let _anyone_ tell him what to do, of course; but the thought of battling fierce opponents aroused… something in him.

Maybe they'd be like that Zabuza guy.

Shirtless.

And _damp_.

Glistening in the sun like a...

"I'll be back in an hour," Sasuke grunted. _"Unless I'm captured. And tied up. And…"_

Sasuke dashed off before his... nosebleed could give him away.

"So, Naruto-kun," Sakura cooed seductively. "I'd sure like to wrestle that _big snake_ of yours."

Moments later, Naruto found himself -quite literally- _blown away_.

* * *

**A.N.**

Lust-crazed Sakura? Humorously in-denial Sasuke? Yes, it's crack - but it still doesn't seem like _too _much of a stretch. I think that the humor here is grounded in the fact that there is (just barely) enough circumstantial evidence in canon to support the argument. You may _say _that it's 'unbelievable' - but you aren't really _convinced _that it's 'impossible'.

To me, that 'shadow of a doubt' is the difference between _funny_ and _absurd_.

It's the same with Naruto and Sasuke bonding over plans to destroy the village, or Danzo being a paper-pusher under covert orders from the Hokage himself, or Orochimaru being framed for Sandaime's human experiments. It can _all_ be made 'not unbelievable'.

These characters can be _stretched_ without _breaking_ them. That's what makes a story interesting.

(If it seems like I'm being a hypocrite: I don't dislike Hinata _just_ because she's useless and pathetic and didn't do a single fucking thing for 436 straight issues -_** 436 issues!**_- I'm just tired of having her shoved down my throat in damn near every single story on this site. This story is my way of fighting back against the various problems that I address. That's _1 _story against ±_50,000_. I don't think _I'm_ the one being unfair, when the odds are stacked like that.)


	87. It Is My Density

**It Is My Density**

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* * *

**

"_Demon,"_

"Oh, hi Mr. Smith. The lawn looks great!"

"_Monster,"_

"Hello, Mrs. Thompson. You're out early today!"

"_Hellspawn,"_

"It's good to see you, too, Mr. Jenkins! How about them Mets?"

Uzumaki Naruto was making his way toward the Academy, whistling a happy tune and shouting a cheerful 'Good Morning' to all the nice people he met on his way.

He loved this town. Everyone was always so friendly, and went out of their way to acknowledge him every time he passed by. It really made him feel good about himself!

xxxxxxx

Naruto had just failed his genin exam for the third time; and Mizuki had unexpectedly offered a second chance, telling him about a 'secret' make-up exam.

Naruto had to say it: for a sensei, that Mizuki sure was cool to clue him in about that secret test.

That was, until they met in the forest.

xxxxxxx

"That's right!" Mizuki shouted, eyes glittering with madness. "_You_ are the Kyuubi no Youko! The Nine-Tailed Demon that attacked our village and killed all those people - including Iruka's parents!"

"I'm not sure I follow," Naruto confessed, totally bewildered by his part-time sensei's ranting. Was this, too, part of the exam?

"What the hell do you _mean_?" Mizuki fumbled, stopped short by this unexpected (lack of) reaction. "I just _told _you! You are the Demon Fox! You killed Yondaime!"

"I'm not really getting what you're saying," Naruto repeated, brow creasing and chin quirking up in a futile effort to understand.

"Your freaking _birthday_ is _October 10th_," Mizuki gritted out a patient explanation, years of teaching experience winning out over weeks of traitorous plotting. "You know, _the exact same day_ as the greatest disaster to ever befall the village?"

"You know my birthday?" Naruto asked excitedly. "That's so sweet! I _knew_ you were a swell guy!"

"That's not the _point_!" Mizuki shouted (because even teachers have their limits). "Haven't you ever wondered why everyone calls you 'Demon', or 'Monster', or 'Slayer of Millions', or "Devourer of Souls', or…?"

"Oh, _that_?" Naruto scoffed, seeming to finally grasp the very straightforward concept Mizuki was presenting. "They're just being _friendly_."

Then again, maybe not.

"Friends make up nicknames for each other; the Old Man told me that. They think I'm a 'little devil' for pulling my pranks, so… "

"_They're not being friendly_!" Mizuki snapped, interrupting the blond-haired boy before he could continue. "They _hate _you! Why do you think they won't let you in their stores? Why do you think they won't let their children anywhere near you?"

"Well, it's not really up to me to argue with store policy," Naruto shrugged. "They've probably just had some bad experiences with unescorted children in the past, like shoplifting and such. It's just good business practice, when you think about it."

"And as for the parents, I think they just don't want me _catching_ anything from those other kids. That boy Chouji has had the mumps forever! And that Shino kid has lice or something. The Inuzuka keeps a _puppy_ on his _head_ - and you _know_ that can't be very sanitary. And I think that Shika has some kind of narca-, narco-… What's the word?"

"Narcolepsy?" Mizuki offered helpfully, completely at a loss at the turn this conversation had taken.

"Yeah, that's it! _Narcolepsy_. He has narcolepsy. I think. And that poor retarded girl has gone blind from syphilis. (Or maybe it's cataracts.) Isn't that a _shame_?" Naruto shook his head sorrowfully.

"The Uchiha is another one with vision problems," Naruto eventually continued, trying hard to remember all the other members of his age-group. "He's _always_ rubbing his eyes and glaring at stuff."

"Between you and me," Naruto whispered conspiratorially. "I think some of these clan families are a little 'too close for comfort', if you know what I mean. They seem to have a lot of... _issues_."

"Anyway, the blond girl is anorexic. Or maybe bulimic. And _pink_ hair? I hate to think of what kind of nasty virus could do _that_ to a person. It must cause her a lot of physical discomfort, too, the way she acts."

"So it's for my own good, really," Naruto finally concluded, in what he considered to be a very grown-up way. "And I think it is just so _thoughtful_ of them, to worry about my health like that. We really live in a great town!"

"_Oh, for the love of_... All right, give me a second here… " Mizuki replied after a moment, losing any desire to continue but soldiering on out of pure strength of will. "Oh, that's right: okay, so what about the marks on your belly?"

The adrenaline rush had worn off a while ago, and by now he was more interested in returning home to a soft bed than in any vague (and therefore highly questionable) promises of undefined 'power'.

"You know about my condition?" Naruto asked in a small, shaky voice, eyes wide with fear.

"_Finally_," Mizuki thought to himself, sighing with relief. "_We are __finally__ getting somewhere. How dense can this kid be_?"

"I didn't think anyone knew about that," Naruto continued softly, his perpetually ebullient demeanor now replaced by an ill-suited, downcast expression. "I… I think I might be allergic to chakra. It only breaks out when I try to perform a technique. Do you know someone who can help me? I'd hate to end up like that bastard, Lee."

"The whisker marks," Mizuki suggested weakly, ignoring the boy's desperate question and grasping at straws. "What about those?"

"My birthmarks?" the attention-starved (in the ADD-sense) Uzumaki replied, bouncing right back to his normal, oblivious self. "_Everybody_ has _something_ weird like that. My friend, Ayame has one that looks like a strawberry, right on her-"

"There he is! This way!" Naruto was prevented from revealing the ramen girl's embarrassing secret by the sudden arrival of a squad of masked ANBU operatives.

"You're coming with _us_, Demon," the ANBU captain hissed. "For stealing the Forbidden Scroll-"

"It wasn't him!" Mizuki volunteered, showing recognizable signs of life for the first time in ten minutes. "_I_ did it. Take me in, lock me up, do whatever you want - but for _God's sake_, get me away from that kid!"

xxxxxxx

Watching the ANBU gently lead the whimpering Mizuki away (with sympathetic tenderness, considering what that _monster _must have done to him), Naruto could only think, "Man, I _love _this town. People really _care_ about each other here!"

He sniffed back a sentimental tear and made his way home; to sleep, to dream of one day becoming Hokage.

* * *

**A.N.**

If you're trying to write a Competent!Naruto, and he never figures out there _might _be some kind of connection between him and the 9-Tails despite all the clues? Start over.

* * *

**A.N. II**

Fuck me, has it come to this?

***Warning: Real Life Spoilers!***

V

V

V

V

Hinata is not a real person. She is a _fictional character_. I am not 'hurting her feelings' or 'making the baby Jesus cry' with these stories.

I need to have a sign made, like they have at Disneyland: "Your IQ must be _this high_ to ride."


	88. Pure Evil

**Pure Evil - That's Not What They Said in the Papers III**

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* * *

**

The legendary Snake Sannin, Orochimaru -the near-mythical missing-nin of whom Konoha parents told bogeyman tales to frighten naughty children- was making the final preparations for his 'return' to the Hidden Leaf.

"_Everything is riding on this_," he thought to himself, applying the special seals to his mud clones. "_At last, the end of Sarutobi_... _The fate of the village - including those who scorned me in the past... __Everything I have dreamed of, all finally within my grasp..." _

_"And not a moment too soon, if what Kabuto tells me is correct. The end is near; I can feel it. I must take the risk. __But it is imperative that none suspect my scheme before the trap is sprung - or else all will be lost." _

Satisfied with his work, Orochimaru wiped the dust from his pale, ophidian face and left the chamber. He would make one last attempt to persuade the Kazekage to support his plan; failing that...

xxxxxxx

The Sandaime, Sarutobi Hiruzen, the third Hokage of Konohagakure no Sato assumed a defensive stance on the rooftop; warily appraising his former student, now standing once again before him.

The self-proclaimed Shodai Otokage's elite guard, the Sound Four had erected the _Shishienjin_, the Four Violet Flames Battle Encampment, sealing them within an impenetrable barrier high above the village.

The opaque, purplish-red color of the inner walls recalled to Sarutobi the fabled amaranth, the flower that never fades; though he was unable to escape the antipodean impression that it was as unnaturally silent as the tomb.

The Konoha ANBU stood by helplessly outside, watching… and waiting for any opportunity to aid their beloved leader.

xxxxxxx

"_Kuchiyose: Edo Tensei_!" Orochimaru cried, forming seals at a god-like rate then slamming his finely-boned hands down onto the roof tiles.

There was a burst of chakra smoke, and then four coffins slowly rose up from out of the rooftop, dirt and debris puddling off of them like water. The first three, regal and resplendent, were marked 'I', 'II' and 'IV'; the last was a plain pine box, as if from a pauper's grave.

Strangely enough, it was only that last, unmarked coffin which Sarutobi tried to stop from rising, firing off a quick salvo of _Kage Shuriken no Jutsu_; but he was too late: the Snake Sannin's technique had succeeded.

With the creaking and groaning sounds appropriate to the crypt, the lids fell away from the first three coffins, revealing…

The _former_ Hokages of Konohagakure no Sato.

In an instant, Orochimaru shot forward like an adder, coiling and springing and slapping each on the back of the head with a seal-inscribed _ofuda_.

"_What have you __done__?_" Sarutobi castigated his erstwhile student. "Their graves... These men... _How could you_... ?"

"You are familiar with this technique?" the younger man rejoined; a slightly hesitant, almost _worried _note in his voice, though he seemed otherwise unruffled by the elder's apparent rebuke. "I had thought that all records of this jutsu were lost with Senju Tobirama, the Nidaime. It was quite... _bothersome_, trying to reproduce its effects."

"Of course I've heard of it!" the Third growled. "He _was _my _sensei_, after all!"

Sarutobi cleared his throat and spat, then continued.

"And now they are under your control, and must do your bidding," he surmised, shrewdly calculating what this might portend. "You plan to have _them_ fight me in your stead: is that your game, you yellow snake?"

"Not at all," Orochimaru said, visibly relaxing and once again affecting his congenial attitude. "I just thought we could have a little chat. Catch up on current events, clear the air, and so forth."

"_Tell the Sandaime_," Orochimaru commanded the replicants of the former Hokages, his voice now stern and his golden eyes narrowing in menace. "Exactly what you _think_ of his accomplishments."

xxxxxxx

The Shodai, Senju Hashirama, the first Hokage of Konohagakure no Sato stepped forward, long hair pulled back, features noble and bearing proud, just as he was in life.

"Hiruzen," he began slowly. "I am gravely disappointed in you. We chose you to lead this village after us. We trained you, and taught you every technique that we could. We expected you to carry the Will of Fire into the future, upholding our values and beliefs and keeping our village safe as a shining example for the rest of the world."

"But you have _squandered_ the prestige of this village! You have let our defenses fall to ruin. You have let our fighting men and women become weak, and self-indulgent. You have lost the respect we once had in the political and military arenas, bought dearly with the lives of so many brave, young shinobi. You have bartered away the powers of your office to merchants and tradesmen, in return for their money, favor or silence. Instead of _protecting_ your people, you have _hidden_ behind them."

"What happened to you? Where did you lose your way? I taught you to think of all the villagers as your family. I remember telling you how I feel that these men and women of the Leaf make up each part of my body… The villagers believing in me, and me believing in them. That's what it _means_ to be Hokage!"

"I also taught you that all Leaf ninja must show a _true loyalty_ to each other, and that a kage must be willing _to put his life on the line_ for his village to set that example…"

"But you? You haven't fought a _single _battle since you took up the hat," the Shodai shook his head with disappointment. "It is as I always said: those who stray from the path of justice have no courage."

"Answer me. What do you have to say for yourself? What have you done to our village? What have you done to my family?"

"And more to the point," he continued, scowling at his aged protégé. "What have you done to my _clan_? What has become of the Senju, the greatest ninja clan in history, who helped to establish this village?"

Sarutobi looked up at his mentor, the First Hokage, his eyes burning - not with shame-filled tears at the harsh reprimands of his former patron, but with _contempt_.

"And _still_ you lecture me with your ridiculous platitudes," he sneered. "Save it for the _sheep_ you call your people! Why the hell would I think of these braying jackasses as my _family_? They mean _nothing_ to me. I wouldn't care if this whole termite-infested roach trap burned to the ground tomorrow."

"Do you want to know what you _really_ taught me?" Sarutobi continued disdainfully. "_The Hokage has the power of life and death_. I decide who lives and who dies. Why should I put my _own_ life on the line, when there is always some nameless yahoo willing to 'die for Konoha' in my place?"

"That is truly where it all _began_, you overbearing Pollyanna. _You _were my inspiration! The older I got, the more I came to _value_ my own life. I'll be damned if I'd give it up for these useless simpletons! I plan to live _forever_, and I don't care if I have to make a blood sacrifice of _everyone in this village_ to do it!"

"You want to know where the _rest_ of your 'family' is, the other Senju? I _killed_ them. All of them! All but one - as her medical expertise may yet prove some use to me. I was trying to discover the secrets of your _Moukuton_ bloodline, the source of _life_. I thought _that_ would be the key to extending my own existence…"

"But it _isn't_ a bloodline! Not _one_ of them had it! You're a _freak_! They died for _nothing_. And you have no one but _yourself _to blame, you _charlatan_."

The Ape Summoner knuckled the spittle from his lip and glared at his predecessor. "Now let's stop all this pointless posturing. Fight me, you sanctimonious piece of shit! I always wanted to wipe that superior, self-righteous expression off your face!"

"No," said Orochimaru, appearing beside the Shodai. "You will not fight him. You have done your part, and you have served your people. Sleep; you deserve it." And as he removed the _ofuda_, the Shodai's body crumbled into dust.

xxxxxxx

The Nidaime, Senju Tobirama, the second Hokage of Konoha came forward next, silver hair wild and unruly, a proud smirk on his face even in death.

"You shouldn't be so hard on the boy, Hash," he said cheerfully, apparently addressing the departed spirit of his older brother. "He hasn't fucked _everything_ up, you know. He _did_ finally wipe out those god-damned Uchiha, after all. I created the Military Police to keep them out of politics, and we were able to further turn their paranoia against them to strip them of their prime real estate downtown and isolate them on the outskirts of the village; but it never occurred to me to simply _massacre them in their sleep_. And he even convinced one of their _own_ to take the fall! Good on you, Monkey Boy!"

"Still," the Nidaime continued, his demeanor suddenly turning coldly serious. "Amusing as that may be, it's not _all_ fun and games."

"You have turned the Shinobi Academy that I created into a pre-school. The students there don't learn _any_ techniques for either offense _or_ defense! They don't even learn the fucking _tree walking_ exercise, so they can maneuver through all of these blasted _forests _Hash is so proud of!"

"_Instead_, they learn how to _hide,_ with Henge; how to _retreat,_ with Kawarimi; and how to create a _distraction,_ with Bunshin - _in order_ to do _one _or the_ other_. How the hell does _that_ prepare them to _fight _against _ninja_?"

"And even with _those_ pathetic standards, you only graduate _three _fucking teams a _year_. How in the world do you expect to maintain your forces when they die off a hundred times faster than they are replaced? You practically lose that many each year through _accidents_, let alone on missions! Your manpower has dropped by _half_ since my day. We used to put at least 10 years of training and experience into every ANBU, _at a bare minimum_ - so how can you _possibly _fill those ranks, when a squad is killed?"

"Not through _promotions_, apparently. I _told_ you that the Chuunin Exams are a substitute for _war_. That was the whole reason I started them! It's a chance for us to take out as many of the enemy's rising young hotshots as we can, while they're still young and inexperienced. But _you _have turned it into a game of Capture the Flag! _Which __your__ genin can't even __win__, _I might add. How do you expect to impress the world with Konoha's strength, make our enemies fear us and our allies and clients respect us, when the genin you _showcase _can't even _pass_ your own exam?"

"And let's not forget those ANBU. The ANBU, meant to be faceless professional killers, now walk around with the most recognizable masks you can imagine. That Itachi kid had a _weasel_! Orochimaru's daughter has a _snake_! It's like you're _trying_ to get them identified, even knowing what an enemy could do to them or their families with that sort of information."

"You have _failed_ the younger generations," the Nidaime concluded, giving his one-time student a sharp look. "As the Hokage, they rely on _you_ to make them strong, to teach them what they need to know to be proud Konoha shinobi. You must provide them with every tool and advantage, to help them in their quest - to serve this village, and defend their homes from any enemy. You must train them, and prepare them for their roles -just as Hash and I did with _you_- so that they can carry on and take up the mantle when you are gone."

"Didn't you ever _listen_ to me?" Tobirama asked at last. "I told you that you must guide the people, because it is from among _them_ that one will come to carry on when _your _time is done."

"So who have you prepared to take on your position? What have you done to build upon the foundations that Hashirama and I laid down for you here? How will history remember you when you are gone - as the Sandaime Hokage, who gave his strength to the village and helped his people to flourish; or as the man whose careless disregard for others led to the _downfall _of the most powerful village the shinobi world has ever known?"

"You're _dead_," Sarutobi snarled in reply to his former sensei. "And the institutions that you established have crumbled, just like your rotting corpse. _Get over it._ As I told that holier-than-thou brother of yours, I am seeking _real_ immortality, not some worthless illusion of 'living on in the hearts and minds' of these ignorant, backwoods rejects - and now that I am so close to _finding _it, my time will _never_ be done. I have held power in this village for over fifty years - and I _like_ it. I have no intentions of _ever_ letting go. And I will bleed this town _dry_ to achieve my goals."

"By the way," he added flippantly, twirling the _Kongōnyoi _staff like a baton to limber up his muscles. "I sold your famous _sword _to Cloud. I made a _fortune_! And I used the money to fund my _experiments_. But who cares? It was just gathering dust in a museum - like you and your outdated ideals should be. I would have gladly sold _every one_ of these peasants into slavery, and carved the Raikage's face on the mountain _myself_, if it would have brought me closer to my goal."

"But enough of this talk!" the Sandaime shouted, moving once again into his _bojutsu _stance. "I will take great pleasure in sending you back to hell. You can give my fond regards to the rest of your clan when you get there!"

"No," said Orochimaru once again, appearing instantly beside the Nidaime. "You gave everything to the village, and asked nothing in return. You have done enough. Rest; you have earned it." And as he removed the _ofuda_, the Nidaime's body crumbled into dust.

xxxxxxx

The Yondaime, Namikaze Minato, the fourth Hokage of Konoha came forward next. He looked haggard and worn from being in the death god's stomach for the past 13 years. But more than that…

He looked _pissed_.

"_How could you?_" he shouted. "Naruto is my _son_! And after I sacrificed myself for the village - after I sacrificed _his_ life for the sake of the village - _you sold him out_!"

"How could you tell the villagers that he was a jinchuuriki? You had to know how they would react! And why _didn't_ you tell them that he was my son? He should have been raised with love and care, appreciated for the burden that he shoulders - not with scorn and abuse! He has the potential to be the greatest shinobi this village has ever known; he should be seen as a hero! Yet he is living in squalor, untrained, neglected, hated by _the very people_ that he saves _each and every day_ by holding back the Kyuubi!"

"Answer me! Why didn't you give him his _inheritance_? The estate, the bank accounts, the stocks and real estate investments, the technique scrolls that I prepared… What did you _do_ with them?"

"And why the hell are _you_ the Hokage again, anyway? I told you that I wanted _Jiraiya _to take the position, until Itachi was old enough. I can't think of a finer shinobi than him: a man with a true skill, and an example we should all follow. And I expected Naruto to work hard and follow in my footsteps, and earn the hat one day on his own merits. What happened? Where is Jiraiya?"

"Jiraiya never _got_ that message," Sarutobi taunted, his lip curled in derision. "Why the hell would I let a retard like _him_ be Hokage? 'True skill', my _ass_. It was bad enough when the Daimyo insisted that I step down in _your_ favor, saying I was too _old_ for the position. The _temerity_! As if my experience wouldn't allow me to _crush_ a mere boy like you - as you can plainly see! Your death and the turmoil of the Kyuubi's attack was a wish come true for me. It gave me the chance to seize the reins of power again; and I am telling you now, I will _never_ let them go!"

"As for that fool Jiraiya, he didn't even _blink_ when I ordered him to leave the village, and set up a 'spy network that would span the continent'. That's where that ridiculous 'loyalty' crap of yours gets you - you leave yourself open when someone who actually _has_ some brains -and the balls to _use_ them- decides to make you their _puppet_! I even convinced that idiot to finance the operation _himself_, with those pornographic books of his. What a fucking chump! I told him that he'd never be a success if he continued writing crap like the first one - '_People are __animals_,' I said, '_You have to appeal to their basest instincts_.' And he's been running with the idea ever since. He hasn't been back to the village since you died! He's never even _met_ your son."

"And oh, yes: your _son_. I made sure that little bastard would have no one to turn to except _me_. Hashirama and Madara aren't the _only_ ones who can control a tailed beast - I have that snot-nosed, attention-hungry little moron wrapped around my finger. I thank _God_ Madara decided to accept my offer, and sent the Kyuubi to attack in exchange for letting him kill off the Uchiha. As if I wouldn't have been _more _than happy to do it for him myself! I hit the mother fucking _jackpot_ that day!"

"Now _that_ is a man I can respect," Sarutobi continued wistfully. "He sees what he wants and he _takes _it. He doesn't give a rat's ass about 'family', or 'loyalty' - he ruled the Mist with an iron hand, and demanded _obedience_!"

"_That _is the essence of power - and the time has nearly come when I will do the same."

"So let's do this, you little punk! I always hated _you_ most of all, mocking me with your youth and strength, your _brilliance_! I've laughed at you every time I've violated your brain-dead whore, Kushina - and all thanks to one of your _own _'ingenious' seals, I might add. Aren't you glad I convinced you to keep her a secret now? No one even _missed _her after she stumbled into my little trap."

"I can't _begin_ to tell you how much joy it has given me to strip you of everything that you held dear, you callow upstart. And it will only be icing on the cake to see you die _again_ - by my _own _hands, this time!"

"No," said Orochimaru, appearing next to the Yondaime. "You have suffered most of all, and I will not add further to your torment. Thank you; for _everything_." And as he removed the _ofuda_, the Yondaime's body crumbled into dust.

xxxxxxx

Finally, Orochimaru stepped up beside the last coffin, leaning his head against it tenderly and placing a hand affectionately on the lid.

"And do you want to know," he asked, "What's behind Door Number Four?"

"The human medical experiments that I discovered years ago in your secret laboratory. Mere _children_, twisted and scarred beyond recognition, all to satisfy your lust for godhood. The experiments that you blamed on _me_, when I confronted you. The same experiments that you have _continued_, using the Namikaze child's inheritance."

Sarutobi Hiruzen, the Sandaime Hokage, so full of acidic rage and bile previously, now only laughed.

"Stop it," the old man finally said, wiping away the crocodile tears from his eyes. "You're _killing_ me. Did you really think this little 'reunion' would melt my heart, and make me change my 'evil' ways? If nothing else, I always credited _you_ with having a _brain_. But I see now that I was wrong. I have _hated _these men _all my life_. I used them to attain my own ends. And the lemmings of this village have followed blindly along, playing right into my hands. The truth is right before them, but they are too ignorant to see it."

"But what does any of this matter? You'll never escape this village alive. You've even thrown away your trump cards. You always _were_ a sissy boy, too 'sensitive' to do what _needed_ to be done."

"_That's_ what gave me my chance, when you threatened to expose me. And it was so _ridiculously _easy, turning the village against you - even your own teammates! You look like a god-damned _snake_, for Christ's sake! People _wanted_ to believe that _you_ were the guilty one. All I had to do was play the 'betrayed sensei', and wring my hands like a disconsolate old grandpa - and those stupid bastards bought the whole act, lock, stock and barrel."

"So bring it on, you little _pussy_! I may be old, but I can still _out-trick_ you and every other idiot that's ever lived in this stinking cesspool of a village! I'll add you to the 'trophy room' in my cellar - along with Minato's wife, his team, the Senju, and the Uchiha! I _will_ find the secret of eternal youth - and when I do, I will wrap my hands around the throat of this village, and squeeze the life from every man, woman _and_ child."

"No, I don't think that will be necessary," Orochimaru replied, never once losing his calm, collected manner. "I'm sure that's quite enough. I never wanted to _fight_ you, Old Man. I _believe_ in this village, despite having them all abandon me. I believe in the laws and principles upon which it was founded. I believe in the men and women who once built it into something great - and I believe that there are _other_ men and women who will make it great once again. They just needed to hear the truth - from someone they _respect_."

And with that, Orochimaru signaled the Sound Four, who released the _Shishienjin_ - dispelling the voice and image amplification techniques that had been projected from the outer walls like a sports arena's Diamond Vision.

There was, it seems, a _reason _why he had named his village the _'Hidden Sound'_.

Then, as if he were simply taking a walk to the corner market, Orochimaru leapt down to the street below and casually sauntered on his way.

Sarutobi, expecting to see a massed army of invaders, saw something else instead that left him gaping.

The entire population of the Village Hidden in the Leaves -_every man, woman and child_- was standing in the streets below, looking up at him. They only moved to allow Orochimaru to pass by - which he did, unmolested.

There were even people _bowing_ to him!

"What the- _ANBU_! Stop him!" Sarutobi shouted. "That man is Orochimaru! The _traitor_! He must not escape - _Kill him_!"

"Was that true?" an insect-masked man finally responded. "What the Nidaime said, about you sabotaging the ANBU?"

"And the Uchiha clan?" asked a random Hyuuga. "Did you _really_ have them all killed?"

"And that poor boy," asked Koharu, finally making her way to the front of the crowd. "Is he _really_ the Yondaime's legacy?"

"M-Minato's _team_?" asked a shaking Kakashi, raising his _hitai-ate_.

"Medical experiments?"

"The Senju?"

"Idiots?"

"Madara?"

"The _Raijin no Ken_?"

"Children?"

"She's his _daughter_?"

"Kyuubi?"

"Cesspool?"

"The Academy?"

"_Uzumaki _Kushina?"

"You _hated_ them?"

"_You _killed- ?"

"Stay back!" Sarutobi shouted to the advancing crowd of shinobi. "That is an _order_! I am _still_ the Hokage!"

"By emergency vote of the council, you have been dismissed for cause - and found guilty of high treason," said Homura, with a grave expression. "And I am confident that the Daimyo will ratify our decisions here, given the preponderance of evidence."

"Can you take him, Namikaze-sama?" Danzō solicited, turning to address the now red-eyed boy at his side.

"It will be a _pleasure_," Naruto growled, the fox-shaped chakra shroud already beginning to envelope his body.

Three tails, as it turned out, was _more_ than enough. Maybe Sarutobi _did_ spend too much time behind a desk, after all.

It was not a mistake the _next _Hokage would repeat.

* * *

**A.N.**

That's about 10x longer than I'm comfortable with (funny, that's what your mother said).

This is the premise, in more overt terms: At base, it is the 'arrogant evil genius blabs his plans for world domination' cliché. Orochimaru has created a bastardized technique that _reproduces the effect_ of the _Edo Tensei_. It is _not_ the original jutsu, used by the Nidaime. He is relying on Sarutobi's expected familiarity with the technique (as the Nidaime's protégé) to reinforce the illusion* enough to make Sarutobi incriminate himself. These are not the _real_ Hokages, but mud clone _replicants_ (from "one who replies") - replicas that Orochimaru has prepared in advance for this confrontation. That's why they don't go into more specific details, or engage in an actual _dialogue _with Sarutobi: they are akin to programmed automatons, and they only 'know' what _Orochimaru _knows. That is also why he cannot allow them to fight - lest his little trick be revealed.  
Sarutobi assumed that the first three coffins held the replacement bodies required by the original _Edo Tensei_ technique (he knew where the _real_ bodies were: down in his cellar). He only tried to stop the _4th_ coffin because he recognized it as the real deal - the bodies from his earliest experiments, buried away in that once-secret lab. That is also why Orochimaru does _not_ open _this_ coffin, and simply leaves it behind as concrete, supporting evidence of Sarutobi's crimes.  
*'Illusion' in the 'slight of hand' sense, _not _(necessarily) genjutsu.

I don't think that I was successful in implying all of this (or in using the repetitive imagery and formulaic phrasing common to traditional Japanese folktales), but I don't think it can be spelled out in the body of the story more explicitly without losing the desired effect.

Such technical suggestions are, however, always welcome.

BTW, this was another idea from a review.

In other news, I think I have _finally _figured out the current 'problem' with this site:  
A couple of years ago, I couldn't keep up with reading all the good stories here. Now I'm lucky to find 1 chapter a week.  
I'm thinking that was about the time frame that the dubbed anime started being shown on TV in the US.  
So instead of the original 'cult' of manga/subbed anime _'brotaku__'_ (the brotherhood of non-Japanese _otaku_), the demographic shifted to kids watching cartoons after school.  
And they have _overwhelmed _this site, both as readers and as writers.

So much for thinking things might get better.


	89. Be Careful What You Ask For

**Be Careful What You Ask For**

**

* * *

**

Naruto had finally succeeded in dragging a battered Sasuke back to the village.

As he approached the village gates, he noticed that a surprisingly large crowd had gathered, waiting.

xxxxxxx

"Uzumaki Naruto," Utatane Koharu's voice rang out over the crowd. "For your unprovoked attack on a fellow Leaf nin, and based on evidence that you drew upon _that_ chakra in said assault… "

She paused for a moment to heighten the dramatic tension. She was absolutely _loving_ this.

(Drama queen.)

"We hereby _banish_ you," Mitokado Homura interrupted, unwittingly ruining the moment for his teammate of fifty-plus years.

Koharu gave the old man a withering glare. He would _definitely_ be sleeping on the guest-futon tonight.

"Yes," she picked up once more in a slightly sharper tone, trying to recapture the spotlight. "You are _banished_. And Uchiha Sasuke will be made Rokudaime. To ensure his loyalty."

"What the _hell_?" Naruto choked, totally confounded. He sure never saw _that_ one coming. "Isn't that a little _backwards_? Besides, why are you punishing _me_? _He's_ the traitor! Why does _he_ get special treatment?"

"He is the last of the Uchiha," Koharu replied with a huff, as though the answer was self-evident and any _moron_ should be able to figure it out. "We must do everything in our power to restore one of Konoha's most powerful clans."

"After _you yourselves_ wiped them out?" Naruto asked incredulously. "That's not really something you get a '_do-over_' for, you know. You were _afraid_ of the Sharingan, and you _hated_ the Uchiha!"

From the crowd, there came the muted murmur of muttered agreement.

"Besides," Naruto continued, regaining his bearings and back on his game. "_I'm_ the last of the Uzumaki. Does that mean you're going to start kissing _my_ ass, too?"

"And _I'm_ the last of the Mitarashi," Anko piped up from the sidelines, seeing where this was going and wanting cut in on the action.

"And I'm the last of the Hatake," Kakashi added, copying Anko.

"Maito," said Gai, not wanting to be one-upped by his 'Eternal Rival'.

"H- (cough, cough). Sorry. Haya- (cough cough, gasp). Ewugh. Sorry. Haya- (cough, cough, gasp, wheeze, rattle)." Plonk.

There was an awkward silence.

"So much for the _Hayate_ clan," Naruto observed quietly.

"H-Haruno," Sakura choked out, with a haunted expression on her face.

"Ten," said Ten (there was a funny story behind that, but you'd have to get her drunk to tell it).

"Rock," said Lee.

"_Shut the fuck up, Bastard,"_ Naruto hissed.

"I'm the last of the Jiraiya," said the Toad Sennin, whose first name was never recorded.

"And I'm the last of the Senju," said Tsunade, the Godaime Hokage. "And Naruto is not only the last of the _Uzumaki_, but the last of the _Namikaze_, as well."

"He's still got the… that _thing_ sealed inside him! The decision _stands_," said Koharu, putting her foot down.

Priorities were being spelled out pretty clearly in Konoha today.

"_Sasuke_ has a seal, too," Naruto volunteered, throwing his 'brother' under the bus. "Orochimaru's _Ten no Juin_. Are you saying that you trust _Orochimaru's_ seal more than _Yondaime's_?"

"Actually," Anko slipped in uncomfortably. (Not that _that_ was anything new, if Iruka's teary-eyed confessions could be believed.) "_I_ have the Cursed Seal of Heaven, as well."

Sasuke has a _summoning contract_," Homura countered, feeling slightly desperate as the crowd swayed with the wind. "And you know how rare and desirable _those_ are."

"Me, too," said Naruto.

"Me, too," said Anko.

"Me, too," said Kakashi.

"Me, too," said Jiraiya.

"Me, too," said Tsunade.

"Me, too," said Gai.

"Me, too," said Sakura.

"Me, too," said Konohamaru.

"Sasuke is in an arranged marriage with _another_ of Konoha's premier noble clans: the _Hyuuga_," said Danzō, finally pulling out -what he considered to be- their ace in the hole.

"_What_?" Sasuke gasped, as surprised by this little tidbit as the others.

"That's right," Hyuuga Hanabi confirmed, looking solemn. And _ravishing_. "It was arranged years ago between our fathers, as a way to consolidate the power of the two great Konoha doujutsu."

"Well," said Sasuke, giving the attractive, powerful kunoichi an appraising look. "That doesn't sound _too_ bad, I suppose. I guess I could live with my _first _wife being the head of the Hyuuga clan. I accept."

Hanabi unexpectedly began to giggle uncontrollably. And the sound was _mellifluous_.

"Oh, no," she finally managed to say, gasping delicately for air behind the broad sleeves of her elegant silk kimono. "No, no. _No_. (Another giggle.) I am afraid you misunderstand, Uchiha-san: you will not be marrying _me_, but rather _another_ Hyuuga. _That_ was the arrangement."

"Don't worry though - she is perfectly acceptable in her own right. She is a perfectly average kunoichi, with average skills, average intelligence, and average looks."

"Oh, _Hell_ no," Naruto laughed, backing away from the shell-shocked Uchiha and toward the gates. "Well, good luck with the Rokudaime thing, Old Buddy. And congratulations on the wedding! Sorry I won't be able to stick around for it. _See ya_!"

And with an orange flash and a puff of cartoon road runner-like dust, he was _gone_.

"I'm out," Kakashi sighed, with a hint of resignation.

"Yeah," Anko quickly agreed. "And I got snakes to ride. Long live the Uchiha!"

"Married!" cried Jiraiya, grabbing a surprised -and delighted- Tsunade by the hand.

"Married!" Gai echoed, grabbing his own 'life-partner' by the... hand, as well.

"_Of course_," Hanabi said sweetly, interrupting the sudden mass exodus of panicking, eligible shinobi. "If you really _are_ determined to restore the Sharingan to Konoha…"

"Yes? Yes?" the Council replied eagerly, wagging their tails and salivating over the prospect (of yet _another _clan of crazy, traitorous, jutsu-stealing cannibals).

"All it takes is a little _red chakra_ and the Byakugan - and you know who has _those_," the resplendent Hyuuga heiress continued, finally dropping the bomb. "What a_ shame _you just banished my _boyfriend_."

"_6, 5, 4_…" Shikamaru thought to himself, snuggled securely into his blonde sandwich.

"WAIT!" roared the Council, stampeding the forgotten Uchiha and his fiancée into the dust. "Get him back here!"

xxxxxxx

And so Namikaze-Uzumaki Naruto, Rokudaime of Konohagakure no Sato, _was_ ultimately able to unite the Hyuuga clan, just as he had promised. And he and his lovely bride restored the Sharingan as well, pleasing the Council greatly.

In the end, everyone's dreams came true.

And Uchiha Sasuke and Hinata lived... ever after.

* * *

**A.N.**

(Sniffle.) I love a happy ending.

This is another story generated by an idea from a review. I appreciate the feedback - Some of the jokes actually _are _kind of subtle (like Sakura's line here referring back to the 'Peer Pressure' chapter), and I have no other way of knowing what works and what doesn't.  
(Besides which, my traffic counter has been down for the past few days so I have no idea if anyone is actually still reading.)


	90. Filler Up

**Filler Up**

**

* * *

**

Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura were at Training Area 7, taking their _real_ Genin Exam with their new sensei.

xxxxxxx

"Naruto!" Sakura screamed. "Look out! He's-"

Suddenly, Naruto felt a hand on his shoulder.

"_Kakashi?"_

Then he felt a hand on his _other_ shoulder.

"You -!"

"_One Thousand Years of Birth_!" Kakashi screamed out the name of his bastardized technique, giving Naruto a super-powerful poke in the

"AAAAAAAAaasss!" Naruto cried as he went sailing over the treetops.

* * *

**A.N.**

So wrong.

I admit it: this is a throwaway. I just wanted to break an even 90 chapters.

(Tell you what: I'll throw this one in for _free_. No hard feelings?)

Still, I might as well take this opportunity to introduce our favorite ring girl, 'xxxxxx'. Tell us about yourself, x!

i am a total Christian, home-schooled and FU(KING PROUD!l!  
Likes: Candy, fanfictions(lol!), YAOI!(boy on boy)  
Fav pairings: ItachiXSauske(INCEST KICKS ASS!l!)  
If you believe in Jesus Christ put this in your profile and don't just ignore this, because in the Bible it says if you deny Me, I will deny you in front of MyFather in the gates of Heaven. BIT(#ES!1!

(But seriously, just let me know if you want your Profile back. I simply thought it was interesting enough to share.)

* * *

**A.N. II**

I couldn't leave it at this, so here's a two-fer. (Say what you will, but 2 POCs is indeed a quantitative improvement over 1 POC.)

* * *

**102. New Guy**

**

* * *

**

Sasuke had just fled Konoha with the Sound Four. They had stopped at a clearing in the woods.

"Okay, New Guy," Jiroubu said with a leer. "It's your turn in the barrel."

* * *

**A.N. III**

Okay, that one is pretty much meaningless on its own; so here's the joke that kills that scene for me every time I see it:

Tom is desperate for work, so he decides to accept a job offer at a mine somewhere in the Alaskan wilderness. After traveling for hours, he finally arrives at the mining camp, 200 miles from nowhere. The camp is very small, with only a handful of other miners, grizzly-looking older men. Tom quickly meets up with the Manager, and asks what his duties will be.

"You'll be working in the mine six days a week," said the Manager. "Every day except Saturday. Your main job is to help clear out the rubble, and dump it into the slag heap down the road. The work's not easy, but you'll get used to it. Also, you'll have KP duty on Friday nights."

Exhausted from his long journey, Tom thanks the man and heads straight to the bunkhouse to get some sleep, knowing he will be in for some hard labor in the days to come.

The next morning, Tom goes right to work. It is difficult, as he expected; but he gets used to it soon enough.

Still, by the time Thursday rolls around, Tom is feeling kind of lonely. The nearest woman is 200 miles away, and he can't figure out how the other miners can take it day after day. So he finally works up his nerve and approaches the Manager.

"What's the problem?" asks the Manager.

"Well, the work itself is fine, and I don't really have any complaints about it; but... Well, to tell the truth, I was wondering what the other miners do for women around here?"

The Manager looks at him and says, "Oh, right; say no more. Let me show you something."

So the Manager leads Tom out behind the cabins, out past the maintenance shed for the equipment, out past the entrance to the mine, and into the woods. And there at the end of the trail they find a barrel.

The Manager says, "Here we go; the other miners use this."

"Uh... What?" Tom asks, not really following.

"Well, you see that knot hole? Try it out."

Now, of course Tom is skeptical about the idea; but he is also pretty desperate, so he decides to give it a shot. And he absolutely cannot believe the results. It is _incredible_. He can feel his knees buckling as all the… tension drains from his body.

Well, Friday comes around and the work is getting him down again, so he takes another trip back to the barrel. Wow! It's even better than the last time!

So after a long week working in the mine and KP duty that night, Tom sleeps in on Saturday. He gets up at 9 and really feels great. But he can't think of much to do, out there in the middle of the wilderness, so he decides to go to the office and ask the Manager for some suggestions.

"What are you doing here?" the Manager demanded, seeing Tom walk in the door.

"It's my day off..." Tom began.

"Day off? Oh, hell no! It's your turn in the barrel!"


	91. You'd Hit It

**_You'd_ Hit It**

**

* * *

**

Naruto had just run into a strange boy on his way to the training grounds.

He looked a lot like Sasuke, actually; or maybe just Sasuke's _head_ on _Ino's_ body.

"_Ewugh_," Naruto shuddered at the mental image. They would definitely be leaving the lights _on_ tonight.

Thank God he didn't have the Sharingan, at least. _There's_ a blessing. Or any clones active, for that matter.

Still, he might have to strategically offend Sakura later, to kill off the more recalcitrant and uncooperative brain cells that insisted on remembering.

A little something he liked to call, "_Plan 'B'_."

(Naruto couldn't recall precisely when he had decided _that_ would be an effective tactic for ridding his mind of unwanted memories; _nor_ why it had seemed like a good idea at the time; _nor_ the frantic objections raised by the Fox. What he _could_ remember was 'Ramen', and 'Orange', and… umm, something with a 'P'…)

While Naruto was lost in… thought, the other boy attacked.

"_Chōjū Giga_!" he shouted, channeling chakra into his technique.

"AAAARGH!" Naruto screamed, jumping back as far as he could. "WHAT THE HELL ARE _THOSE_?"

"Oops, sorry," Sai tittered, blushing prettily. "Wrong notebook."

Dispelling the _extremely detailed_, 10-foot tall, purple… apparitions, Sai stowed away his "Life Drawing 101b: The Male Nude" sketchpad.

"Can I have a 'do-over'?" the metrosexual boy asked demurely, flashing his creepy eye-smile.

* * *

**A.N.**

So I'm looking at the (open source) Narutopedia page on Sai , and as part of his back-story it says:

"Sai came to think of Shin as an older brother and looked up to him. Eventually, his 'brother' died **of an unnamed illness**, and Sai's Root training suppressed most of the memories he had of his brother. Before Shin's death, Sai was making a picture book that would depict all the opponents that they faced and illustrate the feelings that they shared for each other. Sai's and Shin's portraits are located at opposite ends of the book, and in the center pages would be a picture of both him and his brother holding hands. He had forgotten that this was his intention, but after bonding with Naruto Uzumaki he remembers and is able to complete the book, causing Sai to give the first genuine display of emotion in a long time: a smile."

_What the hell? _I thought the whole _point _was that _Sai_ killed Shin -kind of like the Mist Graduation Exam- and _that_ was why he had suppressed the memory. Has somebody (cough-Kishimoto-cough) gone back and pussified the whole manga?


	92. Hinky

.

**A.N.**

This is piss-poor and altogether pointless, but I'm having a clearance-sale today.

* * *

**Hinky!**

**

* * *

**

Naruto was rummaging through the remains of Tsunade's office after the destruction of Konoha, hoping to find a scroll with some kind of super-powerful technique to take out Pein and the Akatsuki.

He had found one huge scroll that looked promising, but it turned out _that_ was just her bar tab.

(The scroll with her gambling debts was so massive it had had begun to generate its own gravitational field, and had to be stored within a special containment jutsu.)

xxxxxxx

"Damn, it's dark in here," Naruto said to himself. "Hey! Maybe this _lamp_ will help."

He never got a chance to find out. As he started to rub the lamp, there was a bright flash -

And then the lights went out.

Tragically, he never noticed the stamp on the bottom of the lamp: _If found, please return to Deus X. Machina._

xxxxxxx

Looking down at his shockingly small body, Naruto's mind was working fast.

"_Wait a minute_," he thought. "_These are the clothes I wore when I was __twelve_…"

"_I'm in a 12-year old boy's pants_…"

"Holy shit!" he cried "I've turned into Orochimaru!"

Okay; maybe not _that_ fast.

xxxxxxx

Eventually figuring out what _must_ have happened -however improbable it might seem- Naruto recognized the great opportunity that had befallen him.

"Whoo-hoo!" he cheered. "I can get into the movies for half-price!"

xxxxxxx

Finally coming to the conclusion that he could use this 2nd chance to prevent many of the terrible catastrophes that had occurred in Konoha, Naruto began to strategize.

Suddenly, he noticed the date on his Word-a-Day calendar. (He had given up on _that_ crazy thing on January 3rd. "'Didactic'? What is _that_, some kind of _joke_?")

"_Sasuke_," he remembered with alarm. "_I have to get to the Uchiha compound right away!"_

"_I am going to make _so _much __fun__ of him!" _he thought gleefully._ "Who's the 'crybaby' __now__, Asshole?"_

xxxxxxx

At last realizing that he would need help to effect the kind of changes that were necessary to forestall the destruction of his hometown and the deaths of everyone he knew-slash-loved -and remembering that he would be a _target _walking anywhere as he was- Naruto came up with a plan to get to the Sandaime undetected.

He would use henge to transform into a small insect -a Blue bottle fly (_Calliphora vicina_), to be precise- and _fly_ to the Hokage Tower.

He had to say it - sometimes he was so smart, it was _scary_.

xxxxxxx

He made several attempts, but found it to be surprisingly difficult.

To transform into an insect 1/ 5,579,186.15 his size.

Finally, he made the connection:

_Of course_! It was all due to his untrained, 12-year old body. It was one of those _'chakra control__'_ deals.

Of course. _That _was the reason.

With this new insight, Naruto was soon able to compensate for his disability and successfully complete the technique.

Adjusting easily to the 360 degree vision of his new compound eyes, Naruto fluttered his wings, and flew swiftly to the window of his apartment.

xxxxxxx

There was a flash of orange.

And a flash of pink.

And then Gamatatsu, seated at the windowsill, was happily crunching on a tasty mid-afternoon snack.

"Mmmm, _meaty_," he thought, just as he dispelled.

* * *

**A.N. II**

_Bend_ it, don't _break_ it. That's the secret.

I've actually seen this premise used in more than a couple of stories recently, so I thought I'd do another throw-away chapter on it.

That's right: Naruto (so they say) is able to henge into an _insect_.

1/ 5,579,186.15 his size (±).

And _fly_.

That technique has now officially replaced the _kawarimi_ as the most ridiculously overpowered / underrated technique in fandom. It pretty much obviates 99 percent of all other ninja techniques.

Why bother learning those tricky _S-rank_ jutsu, when this _E-rank_ can allow you to fly right up to the target -avoiding your enemies- sting them in the eye with some kind of poison, and then fly away undetected?

The perfect crime.

Mass, Volume, Physical Laws? All irrelevant in the Narutoverse. (The Laws of Attraction doubly so, it seems.) They just get in the way of god-like effects (which is _supposed_ to be the reason we _consider_ them 'god-like').

I don't expect it to be _real_ - just _reasonable_ (or at least, _well-reasoned_), within the framework of the story.

For the sake of the storyline, I can accept that some people in this Naruto-world can generate a force called 'chakra'; which they can, in turn, use to generate a number of powerful effects.

That's one of the defining characteristics of this Naruto-world, after all.

And maybe I'm somewhat willing to accept the premise that Naruto has a 'special' version of the henge.

_Maybe_ you can even convince me that he somehow uses his vast chakra reserves (or something) to compensate for the larger mass when he wants to transform into something/someone _bigger_ than himself.

_Maybe_.

But _shrinking_ his mass to the size of an _insect_?

He would be denser than uranium. (Not that he _isn't_, already.)

And _flying_?

Can he henge into a working handgun, also? A laptop? A car?

Hey, wait a minute -

A _talking_ car, named _Kit_?

Holy Shit! Naruto is Knight Rider!


	93. Head Over Heels

**Head Over Heels**

**

* * *

**

Hidan licked Naruto's blood off his scythe, and performed his _Jujutsu: Shiji Hyōketsu_ technique; transforming into a skeletal apparition with the ability to reflect his _own_ pain back to his opponent.

And vice-versa.

Suddenly, the unpredictable blond shouted to his two 'partners' on this mission. "Ino, Hanabi! _Now_!"

And before the immortal Akatsuki had time to blush, the girls in question started performing…

Their _own_ technique.

On Naruto.

And occasionally, each other.

Holy... !

Hidan's eyes rolled up in his skull, as he launched backwards into bliss.

(And I'm not talking about that 'heavenly reward of _Jashin_' crap, either.)

xxxxxxx

Not having Naruto's incredible… _control_, Hidan was totally incapacitated after the first hour.

The _second_ hour was pretty much just for fun.

And the _third_ hour was... well, just showing off, really.

When the threesome finally disengaged from their... '_attack_', they found Hidan…

Crumpled, catatonic, and… sticky.

It wasn't blood.

Not _yet_, anyway.

xxxxxxx

Naruto had, of course, wanted to keep Hidan's head as a pet.

The mocking suspicions and… _horrifying_ innuendos of his girlfriends soon spoiled _that_ idea for the boy, however.

Seriously. Women are into the weirdest shit.

In the end, he finally decided to give the S-class missing-nin's foul-mouthed coconut to Tsunade; maybe _she_ could do something useful with it.

Which she did.

_Frequently_.

xxxxxxx

Within days, the _whole village_ was commenting on how their Godaime Hokage had "never looked as stress-free and -it's like a dream!- _pleasant_ in her _life_."

Even her _assistant_, Shizune seemed to be getting more sleep.

* * *

**A.N.**

Predictable.


	94. The Truth is Where You Find It

**The Truth is Where You Find It**

**

* * *

**

Iruka was scolding Naruto for his lax attitude toward his training.

"What can a soldier do, who charges when out of breath?" Naruto rejoined tartly, his expression unusually disingenuous. "Even the bravest cannot fight beyond his strength."

Iruka walked away from his unpredictable student without another word, scratching his head in silent bewilderment.

xxxxxxx

Mizuki was ridiculing Naruto during a spar, teasing the boy for being 'afraid' of the much larger, more experienced chuunin.

"Few men are _born_ brave; many become so through training and force of discipline," Naruto returned. "Courage may be taught, as a child is taught to speak."

Watching as open shock replaced the habitual sneer on his gray-haired sensei's face, Naruto made one final, desperate push. "And... To lead untrained people to war is to throw them away."

Mizuki was caught absolutely flat-footed: first by Naruto's unexpectedly mature and coherent response, and then by the blind-side _Falcon Pwn!ch_ that brought him to his knees, retching and gasping for breath.

xxxxxxx

Iruka was teaching a class on the history of the 5 Great Hidden Villages.

He called on Naruto, who appeared to be half-asleep and not paying the slightest bit of attention.

"Great empires are not maintained by timidity," Naruto solemnly declared, his eyes shadowed and his tone uncharacteristically stern. "Let them _hate_ us, so long as they _fear_ us."

"_I _g_uess… I was _wrong," thought Iruka, haltingly carrying on with his lesson and eying the Kyuubi Container warily.

xxxxxxx

Iruka was giving a lecture on the Third Great Shinobi World War.

He called on Naruto to identify the subtext of his tuition.

(And the brat thought _he _was the greatest prankster of all time? _Ha_!)

"We make war so that we may live in peace," Naruto dogmatically observed. "Yet… a wise man, in times of peace, _prepares _for war."

Humbled by the master -or so it seemed at the time- Iruka glowingly praised a bemused-looking Naruto for his insightful and intelligent response.

xxxxxxx

Iruka was discussing the treaties that Konoha maintained with some of the other hidden villages.

He called on Naruto, to ask for his thoughts concerning these inter-village accords.

"When there is mutual fear, men think twice before they make aggression upon one another," Naruto shrewdly remarked. "An alliance with the powerful is never to be trusted."

Iruka was beginning to wonder just what in the world was going on with this kid.

xxxxxxx

Iruka was conducting the taijutsu portion of the class (as Mizuki had mysteriously begged off, claiming a 'tender stomach', or some such nonsense).

He rebuked Naruto for his reckless, impulsive attacks.

"_At least _some_ things never change_," the older boy smirked, trying to reassure himself.

"If a man does not strike _first_," Naruto rebutted, disrupting his sensei's chain of thought entirely. "He will _be _the first struck. Fortune favors the bold; the god of War hates those who hesitate."

Iruka was reluctant to admit it, but the formerly ADHD-prone boy made a pretty solid argument.

xxxxxxx

Iruka had kept Naruto after class, to ask him about the sudden (but welcome!) turnaround in his behavior.

"The wise man speaks because he has _something_ to say," Naruto avouched. "The fool because he _has _to say something."

Iruka commended him on his recent drastic improvement, and offered to buy him some ramen.

xxxxxxx

Iruka was telling the class about the _Go-Ikenban_, Konoha's village council.

He called on Naruto to comment on the subject.

"The valiant profit more their country than the finest, cleverest speakers," Naruto replied dismissively. "He serves me _most_, who serves his country _best_."

Iruka didn't want to say anything of an 'anti-establishment' nature in front of the other students; but personally, he agreed that the whisker-faced boy had a good point.

xxxxxxx

Iruka was teaching a class on battle strategy.

He called on Naruto to answer a question from the workbook.

"The Spartans do not ask _how many_, but _where they are_," Naruto answered passionately, the very embodiment of the legendary Will of Fire. "Numbers alone confer no advantage: _valor_ is superior to numbers. Cry 'Havoc'! And let slip the dogs of war."

Iruka didn't know who these 'Spartans' were that the young blond had referred to -and nursed a silent fear that they might be some kind of street gang from the neighborhood- but he was certainly proud of Naruto's grit and his determined attitude. That lad would make a fine shinobi one day.

xxxxxxx

Iruka was relating the events surrounding the founding of the village.

He called on Naruto to weigh in with _his _impression of the matter, sure that he would not be disappointed.

"War gives the right of the conquerors to impose _any conditions they please_ upon the vanquished," Naruto said after a considered pause, staring contemplatively into the distance. "The strong did what they _could_, and the weak _suffered _what they must; deep are the wounds that civil strife inflicts."

Iruka couldn't help but be reminded of the fallen Uchiha, and gave Sasuke a nervous, sidelong glance; but the dark-haired boy showed no outward reaction, and simply continued glaring at his notebook.

Situation normal.

"_Whew_," thought Iruka. "_Dodged a wind bullet _there."

xxxxxxx

Iruka was explaining the Intelligence Division's use of disinformation as a tool to confound and misdirect the enemy.

He called on Naruto -now secretly considered one of his star pupils- and asked for his comments on the topic.

"In war, truth is the first casualty," Naruto expounded sententiously. "All warfare is based on deception."

Iruka congratulated himself yet again for _finally_ getting through to the boy.

xxxxxxx

Iruka was teaching a class on field etiquette.

He called on Naruto to summarize what he had learned from the material.

"A dead enemy _always_ smells good," Naruto pronounced, after a moment's hesitation. "Aside from that… Pardon one offense and you encourage the commission of many."

"_Okaaay_," thought Iruka. "That _one was a little out-there_."

xxxxxxx

Iruka was supervising the thrown-weapons range, and nagging Naruto to be more careful.

"The desire for safety stands against every great and noble enterprise," Naruto sagely intoned. "Valor is the contempt of death and pain."

Iruka worried his bottom lip dubiously, and hoped for the best. This kid seemed to have an answer for _everything_.

xxxxxxx

"So tell me, Iruka-kun," the Sandaime Hokage said to the young Shinobi Academy instructor, now helping him to classify mission scrolls. "Have you noticed anything … _different_ about Naruto lately?"

"Now that you mention it…" said the young chuunin, rubbing the scar on his nose absently. "His attitude really _does_ seem to be improving lately. I think he just might _make _it this time."

"Glad to hear it," the Third mechanically replied, moving on to other, weightier matters without another thought.

xxxxxxx

"Say, Ino?" Sakura whispered, stopping her friend in the hallway after the day's lessons. "Have you noticed anything … _different_ about Naruto lately?"

"Oh, no you _don't_, Forehead," said Ino, discretely pocketing an orange-clad chibi doll. "We are _not _starting _this_ shit again!"

Sakura scowled at her one-time (and once-_again_, it seemed) rival, and huffed off in a fit of temper.

xxxxxxx

It was 3am, and Naruto was still seated at his rickety old desk, playing Sega's _Rome: Total War_.

"It is right to learn, even from the enemy," he repeated slowly, his bloodshot eyes glassy and unfocused.

* * *

**A.N.**

See Wikiquote on _Rome: Total War_ for attributions.


	95. Change is for the Weak

**Change is for the Weak**

**

* * *

**

Sabaku no Gaara walked into the small boutique in the center of town.

"You," he said to the startled shop-girl. "I need you to validate my-"

Not giving the Shukaku Container any chance to attack, the frightened girl ran away screaming.

Gaara growled, and walked to the rental agent's next door.

"You," he said to the horror-stricken clerk. "Mother says that you can validate my-"

Before the infamous Suna jinchuuriki could make another move, the whimpering man jumped through the window and dashed down the street.

Gaara clenched his teeth (and fists) and stalked to the video place next door.

"_You_," he said to the terrified cashier. "You _will_ validate my-"

The woman pressed the hidden panic-button for the alarm, and made a mad run for the back exit.

xxxxxxx.

Cursing, Gaara pulled the meter maid's ticket off his windshield.

_Another _blasted violation!

Why the _hell _would no one ever validate his parking?


	96. The Eyes are the Prize: Kakashi Gaiden

**The Eyes **_**are**_** the Prize - (Kakashi Gaiden)**

**

* * *

**

Team 7 had quickly fallen back into their usual routine after the disastrous 'C-rank turned A' mission to Wave: waiting for their lazy sensei, performing the odd D-rank, having the occasional brief spar…

Eventually, however, the pressure got to be too much for even the terminally-stoic Sasuke.

Surprising everyone, he finally came right out and _asked _about Kakashi's mismatched Sharingan eye.

How _did_ the elite jounin come to have the legendary doujutsu (known to be exclusive to the Uchiha clan), anyway?

xxxxxxx

And so Kakashi told them the tragic story of _Team Minato's Mission to Destroy the Kannabi Bridge_.

How he had always been such a stickler for living by the Shinobi Code, following his father's disgrace.

How he had -incredible as it may sound- graduated from the Academy at the tender age of 5 (in a single year _and_ at the top of his class), made chuunin at the age of 6, and then been promoted to jounin shortly after his 13th birthday.

How he had invented his only original technique, the _Chidori_ - and how Minato-sensei had harshly forbidden him from using it.

How he had been put in charge of the mission to blow up the bridge, while the future Hokage had gone off to assist the demoralized Konoha forces on the front lines.

How Rin had been captured by the enemy, and how adamant Obito had been about rescuing her.

How Obito had met his untimely end, gifting Kakashi with his newly awakened Sharingan as his final act ("A present for making jounin," he had said).

How the Iwa nins had returned and…

How Kakashi had at last used the three-pronged kunai his sensei had given him, which had summoned the man instantaneously in a yellow flash…

(But -sadly- too late to protect his female teammate from the gang of Iwa nins, who had taken their… _revenge_ on her.)

And how Kakashi had lived with the _unbearable __guilt_ from his first failed mission, since long before the rookie genin of Team 7 were ever even born.

xxxxxxx

It was an emotionally fraught tale of sacrifice and redemption; and Sasuke appeared to immediately accept the story wholesale, without reservation.

The Uchiha clan had never _liked _Obito, to be perfectly honest: they considered him a buffoon and a failure, and wouldn't hesitate for a second to say so - _even in front of the boy's own teammates_. So having a loser like his cousin crushed to death by boulders was immensely satisfying to the arrogant Avenger.

That is, the _story_ was satisfying.

Oh, hell - he was just satisfied by Kakashi's _answer_, all right? Don't make a feudal case out of everything.

His 'annoying' teammate, on the other hand, seemed a bit more skeptical.

"That's kind of… _convenient_," Sakura observed quietly. "I mean, you couldn't use your new technique without the Sharingan; and then suddenly…"

"Yes; yes, it's a real coincidence," Kakashi quickly jumped in. "You know what they say, 'God never closes a door, without opening a window', and all _that_ sort of jazz. _Anyhoo_, I think that's enough for toda-"

"And no one else actually _saw_ any of this happen?" Sakura pressed the subject dubiously, gears clearly turning behind that broad forehead of hers.

"Rin," Kakashi answered brusquely. "I _told_ you, _Rin_ was there. _She_ performed the operation."

"But you said that she was in _shock_ afterwards; practically catatonic," Sakura continued, latching on to the puzzling incongruities and inconsistencies of the story like a dog with a new chew toy. "Though actually, from your description of her behavior it sounds more like some kind of mind technique, or maybe a _genjutsu_…"

"What exactly are you _implying_, Sakura?" Kakashi narrowed his visible eye at the girl who always _was_ too smart for her own good.

"N-nothing! Nothing," she swiftly back-pedaled. "I just-"

"And where is this 'Rin' person _now_, Sensei?" Naruto piped up, taking the heat off his one-time crush. "How come we've never _met _her?"

"Missing," Kakashi responded tersely. "She disappeared shortly after that. MIA."

"So-"

"Hey, that's enough boring talk about ancient history," Kakashi interrupted the pink-haired girl, his tone once again bright and enthusiastic. "Good news! I've decided to enter the three of you in the Chuunin Exams! Whoo-hoo!"

The two boys bit hard, of course; their heads filled with thoughts of proving themselves (_against_ powerful opponents, for one; and _to_ the rest of the villagers, for the other).

("_Hook, line and sinker_," Kakashi silently gloated.)

The distaff member of the team, on the other hand…

"Are you sure we're ready?" Sakura asked nervously. "I mean, don't inexperienced kids like us get _killed_ in those exams?"

"You worry too much," Kakashi eye-smiled, waving his hand dismissively. "I'm sure everything will work out _fine_."

* * *

**A.N.**

Obito gives Kakashi the Sharingan eye, and Sakura gives him the fish-eye. 9_L_¢

What _other _reason did Kakashi have to enter these untrained, inexperienced kids in the Chuunin Exams? By all rights, they should have been totally out-classed by the competition.

(Is Rin's implied rape after the cave-in something _else _that got whitewashed in later editions?)


	97. White Eyes

**MPD**

**

* * *

**

Kyuubi was bored. He'd flipped through 96 channels already, and _this_ crap was all that was on?

Well, this and 10,000 NaruHinas. But even the Ruler of Hell has limits for how much of _that_ torture he can watch.

He wouldn't even wish that on his imbecile _jailer_.

The Demon Lord picked up the remote linking to his other aspects across the multiverse, and keyed in channel 97...

* * *

**White Eyes**

**

* * *

**

"N-Naruto?" Sakura turned a wary glance to her blond teammate, now growling with pent-up… frustration.

"There's s-something wrong with your eyes..."

"They're all white!" she finally gasped out. "Does that mean you're-"

"_Yes_," Naruto hissed. "I'm a little 'backed up', if you _must _know. The dick head -sorry, _duck_ head- keeps

cock-blocking my action! And my right hand's all torn up from training with the _Rasen-Frasengan_..."

"You mean it's…" the pink-haired girl trailed off, horrified by the implications.

"Yup," Naruto stoically replied. "The _Byukkakegan_. I suggest you not stand too close."

"OMG," Sakura LOL'd.

"Yeah, yeah," Naruto scowled. "Funny stuff, right? _Bite me_. I'm telling you, at this point if I even _look_ at you -

with your short skirt… and hooker boots… and Dallas Cowgirls vest… and tight leather glo-"

"_Ewugh_!" Sakura spat.

"Sorry," Naruto said, not really giving a damn (and ready for a nap). "Take it as a compliment."

* * *

**A.N.**

Twofer.

I know I've milked that bukkake bit (Hey-o!), but it is. just. so. damn. _funny_.


	98. The Melodrama of Uzumaki Naruto

**The Melodrama of Uzumaki Naruto  
**

**

* * *

**

Naruto had just defeated the Six Paths of Pain, thwarting the Akatsuki Invasion of Konoha.

Now all that remained was the final, _epic _confrontation with the (seemingly) omnipotent, omniscient mastermind behind it all.

xxxxxxx

"_You're_ Nagato?" Naruto gulped incredulously.

"_You have _got _to be fucking kidding me_," he whispered under his breath.

Whatever Naruto _may _have been expecting, a petite 16-year old girl in a sailor uniform was most assuredly _not_ it.

"That is correct," the diminutive girl replied in a crisp monotone voice. "My name is Nagato Yuki; I am here to observe."

It was like pulling teeth (with a pair of rusty pliers), but further questioning eventually revealed that Nagato's 'mission' was to find and observe the one who had the power to change the world.

This _was_, of course, a story Naruto was intimately familiar with. And it immediately set alarm bells ringing inside the boy's head.

"You're not a _fan-girl_, are you?" Naruto narrowed his blue eyes suspiciously.

He had already had as much as he could stand of the painfully shy, quiet fan-girl type.

"'_A fongul_'?" Parroting the uncouth boy's thickly-accented speech uncertainly, Nagato's eyes went momentarily blank. "Accessing."

"No; such activities were not a part of my original programming;" she finally continued. "The local use of Italian-American colloquialisms was _also_ considered to have an extremely low degree of probability."

"I am a humanoid interface," she offered, by way of clarification. "Created by the Data Integration Thought Entity."

Cricket sounds in the background; a dull look on Naruto's face. A tumbleweed bounced down the dusty street, caught up by an errant gust of wind.

"That's cool," he nodded sagely after a moment, understanding every third word. "So, you've come here to observe _me_?"

"Do you have godlike powers?" the artificial human responded, seeking verification.

Her stoic expression had not changed one iota, and her voice maintained that same aggravating monotone quality; yet somehow… her whole demeanor just _screamed_ 'skeptical'.

"Fuck," Naruto growled. "You're looking for that asshole _Sasuke_, aren't you?"

* * *

**A.N.**

Crossover Fics: check.

If you haven't read the 'Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya' light novels, you are seriously missing out.


	99. A Blast from the Past

**A Blast from the Past  
**

**

* * *

**

While there was no question (in his _own_ mind, at least) that Kakashi was extremely upset¹ by the loss of his teammate, Uchiha Obito, he nonetheless felt that it simply would not properly _honor_ the memory of his newly-considered 'best friend' to merely sit around and mope.

Not with the 'New Eye Smell' of that hidden _Sharingan _driving him to distraction 24/7, it sure wouldn't.

So without another thought, Kakashi leapt to his window, intent on racing as quickly as possible to Team Minato's customary training ground.

(Rin and Minato-sensei would not be using it any time soon, after all; apparently, it turns out that_ they _were the sort to sit around and mope. Who would have guessed? And to tell the truth, it made them seem kind of… _shallow_, in Kakashi's humble opinion.)

Slamming into the wall _beside _his window, Kakashi slowly climbed back to his feet.

"_Damn you, Depth Perception_!" he hissed, not for the first time.

(He really _was _still pissed off about that utterly disappointing fiasco with the new -and _supposedly _'3-D'- _Icha Icha: the View-Master_®.)

xxxxxxx

Eventually deciding that a nice, leisurely _stroll _might be more appropriate -'as befit his _grief_'- Kakashi left the apartment by the door, at a subdued (and 'respectful') pace.

xxxxxxx

Finally arriving at the training ground, Kakashi whispered a brief prayer and fired up his gifted eyeball for the first time.

(Let's get one thing straight, right now: it's not like he was _glad_ that his 'old pal' Obito was dead or anything like that; but let's be fair - had the unfortunate Uchiha survived, that _would_ have been one _seriously_ fucked up Thank-You card to try and write.)

At some point during his walk to the training area (dodging some surprisingly tricky lampposts and an inordinate number of rude pedestrians along the way), Kakashi decided that a fitting and commemorative tribute of the occasion would be to try out his only original technique, the _Chidori_.

(A technique that -_by sheer coincidence_- could _only_ be used by someone of the Sharingan persuasion.)

Calling out the name of his newly-created _raiton _jutsu and grabbing his right wrist with his left hand, Kakashi began a mad dash towards the scattered targets -

Only to be caught by the elbow and swung into a nearby tree like a dead baby², thus dispelling his technique.

When at last he came to his senses several moments later, Kakashi found a young man -who looked an _awful _damn lot like Minato-sensei- staring back at him with a stern expression on his face.

"That technique is flawed," the serious blond admonished. "In fact, it's complete rubbish."

"No, it isn't," Kakashi replied, his wounded pride (and throbbing head) causing him to be uncharacteristically candid. "I have the _Sharingan _now, so I can see my enemies' counterattacks."

"It _is_," the other man rejoined with an authoritative air. "It drains too much chakra, it disrupts the electrical impulses to your brain (which _might_ cause permanent damage, you know), and it is as hellishly _loud _as a Hyuuga being fed through a wood chipper. How _else _do you think I was able to get the drop on you?"

Kakashi thought about this for a moment. Whoever this guy was, he made a pretty good argument.

His autocratic attitude also reminded Kakashi a little bit of _himself_, which certainly helped to carry the day.

"What do you suggest?" the masked jounin finally asked.

"Why not try something with wind?" said the other boy (whom Kakashi was secretly beginning to think of as a potential rival). "That _is_ the strongest element in battle, after all. Maybe your _sensei _even knows a few tricks he'd be willing to share."

And so, with that final nail in the coffin, Hatake Kakashi abandoned what _might _have become his signature technique and dedicated himself to mastering _fuuton _jutsu, instead.

The kind that Uzumaki Naruto, 15 years hence, would be able to easily manipulate.

xxxxxxx

Naruto walked up to the gates of Konoha, whistling a happy little tune.

He had the turncoat Uchiha at his side (now looking decidedly green around the gills - at least, where he _wasn't_ bleeding profusely from a thousand tiny cuts, that is); draped over a mid-sized toad that was hopping roughly down the dusty lane.

"Naruto? How-?" Kakashi stammered, unable to comprehend how someone that he had never seen as anything but the 'dead-last' had managed to _decimate _his prized student.

The same student to whom he had taught all of his very best techniques.

"Piece of cake," answered the nonchalant blond, discretely patting the lamp³ in his pocket.

xxxxxxx

Next stop: giving his 'dad' a great big kick in the nuts.

* * *

¹Using the word 'crushed' here seemed a tad indelicate.

²What's _that _look for? I said a dead baby. Jeez.

³This is the magic lamp from Chapter 92, if that needs clarification.

* * *

**A.N.**

Time Travel Fics: check.

* * *

**A.N. II  
**

Cheer up: it's almost over.


	100. Class Dismissed

**Class Dismissed (Say Goodnight, Gracie)  
**

**

* * *

**

_Sabaku no Gaara_, or Gaara of the Binding Sands, was walking through the deserted streets of Sunagakure.

Mother craved blood! And he would damn well get her some.

(He knew that Mother, like the 'Mary' he had learned about in his Ancient Mythology class, would ride his ass all the way to Bethlehem if she didn't get what she wanted.)

Finally, after a long, fruitless (and bloodless) search, he found a tempting 'target of opportunity' on the otherwise empty streets: a strange old man in a tattered cloak, leisurely writing in a scroll.

"_You_," Gaara hissed at the stranger. "Who are you?"

"You may call me Beelzebubba," the other replied good-naturedly. "And I am but a humble wandering philosopher, seeking the truth. Merely a simple man, making a brief sojourn through your fair city; trying to find an honest-"

"So you don't _have_ a job, is that what you're driving at?" Gaara asked derisively. "Is there a particular _line_ of work you're out of, you Bum? Or are you just a dirty hippie?"

(If there was one thing that the Shukaku jinchuuriki simply could not abide, it was _hippies_. Ewugh.)

"Well, I _do_ consider myself to be something of a writer," the shabby old man -now exposed as a dirty hippie- replied.

"Just as I _suspected_!" Gaara roared, pointing an accusing finger. "Nonetheless, I shall _destroy _you, and thus validate my existence!"

Gaara immediately began to draw upon his godly power over sand, ready to launch his eponymous attack; but he paused when his 'opponent' continued to speak.

Not begging for his life (as expected), but rather… _lecturing_?

"Actually," the aged pedagogue calmly replied. "I would suggest that you are starting from a false premise; unfortunately, it is so _obfuscated _by fallacious reasoning (including -but not limited to- Affirming the Consequent, Begging the Question, the Appeal to Authority, the Cum Hoc Fallacy, the Naturalistic Fallacy, the Appeal to Consequences and the Law of Excluded Middle) as to be virtually inscrutable."

"Let's try to unpack this, and see precisely where the problem lies. Shall we?" invited the man, taking out another scroll.

Gaara gaped, open-mouthed; not really sure what was happening.

This was completely new and unexpected territory for the malevolent young man, long accustomed to being feared and obeyed without question.

But this seemed to be precisely the cue the older man was waiting for.

"As I understand it," he continued breezily on. "Your argument would take the form:

1. A (Beelzebubba) exists.  
2. B (Gaara) is able to take quantifiable action upon A (Beelzebubba);  
3. Therefore, B (Gaara) exists.

"This would appear to have a similar foundation to the Ontological Argument: you presume existence to be a fundamental good, and argue that the greatest being will therefore have the property of existing. Yet here you fall victim to the (unrelated) fallacies of Affirming the Consequent and the Appeal to Consequences: you have a desired outcome, and you frame your assertions in such a way to support that argument, rather than weighing the facts objectively and deriving a synthetic conclusion."

"But clearly, you are thinking of 'existence' in terms of a transitive property, such that:

1. A (Gaara) = B (Beelzebubba)  
2. B (Beelzebubba) = C (Existent)  
3. Therefore, A (Gaara) = C (Existent)

"I.e., you assert that you are somehow equivalent to me - yet this is obviously based solely on our common existence. Then you assert that _I_ exist, as though this were not an analytical property already implied in the first step. From this you conclude that you yourself, as my equivalent, also exist - which, again, was presumed in step 1. In sum, you _presume _that I exist, and from this you draw the unjustified conclusion that _you_ exist, also."

"You are, however, 'begging the question', using circular logic: as we have demonstrated, you presume that I exist, and base your conclusion on that assertion; yet what happens if I do _not_ exist? Does this then _disprove _your existence?"

Under his armor of sand, Gaara grew pale at the ramifications.

"Fortunately for you," the old man went on. "Kant determined that existence is not a predicate (or as Mulla Sadra argued, 'Existence precedes Essence'). But this in _itself _causes additional problems for you."

"First, you have a conception of me (either as a 'noble man of learning', or as a 'dirty hippie': your choice). Yet 'existence' is not a defining property of the concept, '_Beelzebubba is a dirty hippie_': you are merely making the conditional formulaic assertion that '_if_ such a thing as a Beelzebubba exists, he is a dirty hippie.'"

"Second, if you _assume_ that I exist necessarily, and use _that_ as the foundation for your argument, you are merely expressing a tautology: you are using the _presumption_ of my existence to _prove_ my (or _your_, as the case may be) existence."

"Third, you have a conception of me existing, and clearly -based on your expressed intention to kill me- you can also conceive of me as _not_-existing; yet _conceptually_, the two ideas are identical. The only reason you have for saying that I exist is your own temporo-spatial experience: that is to say, you see me standing here, a material object that corresponds to your concept. Therefore, existence is not a _necessary_ component of your conception of me - meaning that I do not 'necessarily' exist."

"However," the old man pressed on, shifting gears smoothly. "as I stated originally, I would contend that you are actually starting from a false premise, which invalidates the conclusion. It appears that you are attempting to prove an inductive claim by deductive reasoning."

"Why exactly do you _presume _that I exist, in the first place?" he asked at last.

Gaara blinked, and the man continued.

"Consider Descartes' 'Evil Genius' thought experiment: how do you know that I am really here? These perceptions may simply have been implanted in your head, in order to manipulate you."

"Or Sartre: _you _are the one experiencing these phenomena, so it is ultimately up to _you_ to interpret them and give them meaning."

"Or Heideger: Existence is not '_being_ (blank)' so much as it is 'being _at _(blank)', or obtaining to a given state of affairs. As a human _being_, you yourself are an expert on this condition; therefore, it is up to _you _to interrogate the phenomena constituting your experiences, in order to gain a clearer understanding of them."

"Foucault, however, may have addressed your _particular _quandary more in terms of the abstract mechanics of power: from this perspective, the individual is not a passive function of-"

"_Sabaku Kyū_!"

Reaching his limit, Gaara threw out his arms and shouted the name of his technique.

"_Sabaku Sōsō_!"

xxxxxxx

Wiping the spattered blood from his sand-colored face, Gaara stalked angrily away from the grisly scene.

"_Nobody_ likes a _smart ass_," he said with finality.

* * *

**A.N.**

That was _not _philosophically sound argumentation: I didn't really see the point in going to that much effort.

Wikipedia can help you to sort out the 'real thing'.

Here's a forum, if you'd like to question/bash/discuss amongst yourselves (remove the spaces):

www. fanfiction. net /myforums/insomaniac1/1560745/

* * *

**A.N. II**

So, I managed to shit out 100 little stories (50,000+ words) in about 5 weeks (Originally Published: 05-29-10 - This Chapter Added: 07-06-10).

Was it worth the effort?

Hmmm...

I do still feel that it was an entertaining challenge to set for myself, either way.

And by now _you _should understand that it really isn't all that difficult: _just sit down and start writing_.

But _do _promise to make it something that _I'd_ like to read, okay?

Cheers,


	101. Credit Where Credit is Due

**Credit Where Credit is Due**

**

* * *

**

Uzumaki Naruto was sitting at the ramen stand, trying to enjoy a quiet meal and relax.

"Hey Naruto," Kiba interrupted, sliding onto the empty stool to his right. "Long time no see. Keeping busy?"

"About the usual," Naruto dodged - not trying to be rude, but really just wanting a bit of time to himself for a change.

Between training with the toads, developing new techniques, going on missions, studying new intel on the Akatsuki, and juggling his social and romantic lives, it was getting harder and harder to find a moment's peace to simply sit and reflect on things.

"I heard that," said Kiba, clearly not put off in the slightest by the blond's continued eating and obvious lack of interest in further pursuing a conversation.

"Say, I've been wondering," he continued rather abruptly, doing a piss-poor job of feigning nonchalance. "Why do you hate Hinata so much? You _know_ she's totally into you, don't you?"

Naruto released a slow, deep breath and carefully laid his _otemoto _across the top of his bowl. He then turned to face his unwelcome companion head-on.

"I've explained this a hundred times already, but no one seems to listen. For the last time, I don't 'hate' Hinata. There's nothing about her that could engender strong feelings one way or the other, really. She's just _there_, in the background. To be perfectly honest, I don't think I've actually seen her more than a few times in the past 10 years, in person. Hating her would be like hating this napkin dispenser, or that cardboard box, up there on the shelf."

"What I _do_ hate though, is the way everyone keeps shoving her down my throat. Seriously, if they aren't trying to make me and _Sasuke_ a couple, they're trying to pair me up with Hinata. And they're always talking about how 'talented' she is, and how 'sexy' she is, and how she's the only one who _'deserves'_ me - whatever the hell _that's_ supposed to mean."

"And they just won't let it _drop_, you know? If it were anyone else, I could just say, 'Not interested', and they'd move on to another topic: no big. No one _gives_ a damn whether I like Sakura or TenTen or any other random name I could throw out there - but with Hinata, it's like they take it _personally_. They just can't let it go. They _argue_ about it, and they actually cite documentation that they have _memorized_ that they somehow claim supports their beliefs - even though it's completely subjective, open to interpretation and, in the end, all a matter of personal preference anyway."

"So _that's_ what I hate. Hinata herself really doesn't mean anything to me whatsoever."

"Great!" Kiba said brightly, leaping to his feet and giving Naruto a hearty clap on the shoulder. "I'll go tell her that she still has a chance!"

Naruto face-palmed and turned back to the counter. He found that he had completely lost his appetite for dinner.

"Hi Naruto," said Kotetsu scant moments later, sliding smoothly onto the empty stool to his left. "Say, I've been wondering…"

* * *

**A.N.**

otemoto = pre-packaged, disposable chopsticks

Thought this needed some closure.

I also slipped a few bonus stories into Chapters 8, 10, 11, 12, 13, 83, 90.


	102. NarOto!

**112. NarOto!**

**

* * *

**

Uzumaki Naruto was sitting on the old wooden swing near the Shinobi Academy. Classes had been dismissed hours earlier, and everyone else had gone home ages ago to be with their families.

To _celebrate_.

Naruto had just failed the Genin Exam for the third time running.

"I really thought I was going to _make_ it this time," he whispered, scuffing at the dirt with the toe of his sandal. "Stupid _bunshin_! It's not fair - why did they have to pick my _worst _technique?"

"And then they said…" and he paused for a moment, because he had sworn that he would never let them make him cry again. "They said I shouldn't even _be_ here! They were _happy_ I failed!"

Naruto barely caught himself from falling off the swing, when another voice made him realize with a start that he was no longer simply talking to himself, blowing off steam.

He was no longer _alone _in the isolated schoolyard; miles from home, with twilight falling.

"It's painful, isn't it?" the tall man quietly asked. "Being different, I mean. And being _hated_ for it."

"What do _you_ know about it?" Naruto scowled, having long since learned from painful experience that sympathetic strangers were _not_ to be trusted.

"We have much in common, you and I," the strange man replied, taking a graceful seat on the lawn and toying idly with the grass and sand at his feet. "I, too, have known the bitter scorn of this village. Growing up alone and unwanted…"

Naruto's breath caught in his throat, coupled with a curse at his own foolish naïvete.

"Yes, it's true," his eyes flashed briefly at Naruto, and then back into the distance, beyond the Academy. "I was an orphan as well. The Sandaime said that he would look after me-"

"J-Jiji said-?" Naruto haltingly interrupted.

"Yes, but the villagers still reviled me. I only wanted to grow stronger, to be the Hokage-"

"Like me!" Naruto shouted, any pretense at indifference cast aside by this seeming _karmic_ revelation. "That's what _I_ keep saying, too! I want to be Hokage, so those bastards will finally have to acknowledge me!"

"Of course you do," the man gave a small nod and a sad smile. "And that is _precisely_ why I have come to you now. What if I said that there is _still _a way for you to become a genin?"

xxxxxxx

That night, Naruto stole the Forbidden Scroll from the Hokage Tower. And he never looked back once.

xxxxxxx

Locked inside the _Shishienjin_, the Four Violet Flames Battle Encampment, Sarutobi Hiruzen fell easily to Orochimaru's Kusanagi blade. He had aged so much in the months following Naruto's disappearance, it could hardly even be called a _battle_.

The Sound Four released the technique, and Orochimaru looked out across Konohagakure no Sato, where _both_ of his jinchuuriki were laying waste to the village.

"Boys will be boys," he laughed, as he set off at an easy gait to intercept them.

There was no rush; and he had to let them have a _little_ fun, after all. They had earned it.

But he had promised to make Naruto the Godaime Hokage -just as he had made Gaara the Godaime Kazekage- and that promise would be _meaningless_ if there were nothing left of the village but a smoking ruin.

"_Two down; three to go_," he smirked, already making plans for the remaining hidden villages.

He'd be _damned_ if any more children would be forced to grow up like _he_ had.

* * *

**A.N.**

If a sympathetic Orochimaru approached Naruto that day at the Academy instead of Mizuki, how might things have turned out differently?

xxxxxxx

It's repetitious, I suppose. But then, a lot of my stories are by this point.

I _could _play that off as yet another intentional, satiric stab at the _other_ stories on this site - but I think we both know, I'm just killing time here now.

xxxxxxx

I think that there are a lot of ways that Orochimaru could be a more sympathetic character - and have more in common with Naruto than is initially apparent:

he was an orphan;  
Sarutobi may have cast himself as a substitute father/grandfather figure, who then failed the boy when he was most needed;  
he may have been treated like a pariah in the village (for his ophidian features and the sacrifices demanded by his summons/Kyuubi);  
he wanted to get stronger and learn a lot of jutsu;  
he wanted to be Hokage;  
he has been forced to fight his best friend/'rival'/teammate;  
he was nearly killed in a fight with an Uchiha;  
he has a 'teammate' who is an accomplished med-nin (by which I mean _Kabuto_/Sakura);  
the obvious Sannin/Team 7 analogies;  
he never fell for Tsunade's genjutsu;  
he has an unhealthy obsession with Uchiha Sasuke;  
he is one of the only two people to ever 'kiss' Sasuke (it _does _apply to both - and how creepy is that?);  
he has hidden skills/talents/abilities;  
he is proficient with a clone technique, and uses them to an annoying extent in battle (that is, in the opinion of his enemies);  
Minato had a major impact on his life (displacing him as Yondaime/using him as the Kyuubi jinchuuriki);  
Sandaime had a major negative impact on his life (choosing Minato/revealing the secret of the Kyuubi sealing);  
Danzō was keeping an eye on him (or vice versa, in Orochimaru's case);  
he has an interest in _fuuinjutsu_ (a very _personal _interest, in Naruto's case);  
he has the ability to 'change' other people (using Cursed Seals, in Orochimaru's case);  
he tried to develop a radical new technique (risking great physical harm in the process);  
probably immortal;  
he shrugs off damage that would kill other people, and comes back without a scratch;  
he wore a 'mask' (ugh);  
he has been known to take the form of a woman on occasion;  
people are sometimes horrified and disgusted by the things he can swallow (What? I just mean the Earth scroll from the Chuunin Exams/ramen);  
the part Gaara played in the Sand-Sound Invasion had a major impact on his life;  
people complain about his taste in clothes;  
there's something 'different' about him, on the inside; this can manifest physically, when he is in a fight;  
he is not alone, inside his head;  
he was wanted by Akatsuki…

xxxxxxx

Bonus stories added to Chapters 2, 6, 19.


	103. Only with the Heart

**113. Only with the Heart  
**

* * *

Chased away from the playground yet again, 5-year old Uzumaki Naruto bolted like a spooked rabbit through the village.

But no matter where he ran, no matter where he looked, all he saw were the same cold, forbidding faces.

Faces that said, "_Get out of here_."

Faces that said, "_You can't play with us_!"

Faces that said, "_We don't want you around_."

Everywhere he went: he could see it in the narrowing of their eyes; in the tight pursing of their lips, or their snarling expressions; in the way they drew aside when he passed, or pulled their own young ones protectively closer.

It made no difference what words they used; the underlying message was consistent, and always came through plain as day:

_Unwanted. __Unwelcome. Unnecessary. Unloved__. _

By the time he was three years old, Uzumaki Naruto had learned to define his existence in terms of the negative: qualities that others had determined to be absent, lacking or otherwise deficient in his small person.

Try as he might, Naruto couldn't figure out _how_ he had failed them, exactly; but there was certainly no doubt whatsoever that he had. And he was also beginning to believe that there was no way he could possibly make up for his many apparent shortcomings.

xxxxxxx

Making his way back home to the squalor of his state-sponsored efficiency apartment, Naruto was too tired to even take a meager bowl of rice before he collapsed, exhausted, on his bed.

He felt as though life _itself_ was draining the life from him.

Being alive was killing him.

It was a vicious irony, but no more than the latest in a never-ending string of such 'lessons'; far too many for _anyone _to learn so young, without breaking.

His last mumbled thoughts as he surrendered to the swift, capricious wings of sleep were, "_I'm not asking for much; I just wish…_"

xxxxxxx

When Naruto awoke, he was dismayed to find himself in a… Well, from what he could make out it looked _somewhat _like the catacomb of high-security holding cells and scroll vaults beneath the Tower, where he was occasionally detained for 'protective custody' (or so the Old Man had claimed).

But he absolutely could not remember how he had come to be sleeping there. Had he been injured? Or simply knocked out again?

As he climbed to his feet, he was met by another surprise.

"Good morning," a polite voice greeted.

"Good morning," Naruto replied automatically; but as he turned around, looking this way and that, there didn't seem to be anyone else there.

"Over here," the voice called again, apparently taking note of his confusion. "By the cage door."

"Ah! You're so _pretty_," Naruto exclaimed, clapping his hands in long-forgotten, innocent wonder. "And orange is my favorite color! Who _are_ you?"

"I am a fox." A slight inclination of the head gave the introduction the suggestion of formality. "And personally, I would say that it is more of a _russet_."

Naruto shyly approached the massive gate that stood between them.

"Will you… Will you play with me?" he whispered hoarsely, his eyes bright with unshed tears. "I've been all alone…"

"I am very sorry," said the fox, assuming a very sincere and remorseful manner. "But I cannot play with you; for I have not been tamed."

"W-what does 'tamed' mean?" Naruto asked, suddenly anxious that somehow_ he_ might -once again- be the one at fault.

The fox did not answer the question directly, as it is simply not the _nature _of foxes to do so. "What are you looking for?"

"I am looking for a friend," the little boy mechanically replied; whereupon he immediately returned to his previous question. "But what does that word mean, 'tamed'?"

"It is something that people often overlook," said the fox, with what may have been a hint of amusement. "When they become distracted by transient things. It means, 'to create bonds'."

"Bonds?" the boy repeated slowly; and it became clear that even _this_ basic concept was foreign to him.

"Think of it _this _way," sighed the fox. "Right now, you are just another little boy, like a million other little boys. But if you were to _tame_ me, we would have a bond; we would _need_ each other. And that would make you precious to me; and out of all the little boys in the world, you would be unique."

And with those words, Naruto felt as though the whole world had stopped turning. More than anything, he wanted to reach out and pluck that moment like a rose, so that he could treasure it and never let it go.

"I hunt my prey at night," the fox continued, seeming to look out and beyond the limits of the cage. "And I sleep during the day. The harsh light of the sun has always been abhorrent to me."

"But your hair is the color of gold; so when you have tamed me, the sun will remind me of _you_. And I shall live to watch the sunshine, dancing across the water…"

"I think I'm beginning to understand," Naruto said quietly; and he sat there talking to the fox for a very long time.

xxxxxxx

When Uzumaki Naruto was twenty-four years old, he gave his life to protect the village.

As the last (and newest) _kinjutsu _recorded in the Scroll of Forbidden Seals consumed his body, he made one final, rueful journey to his most personal sanctuary.

"This is where we say Goodbye," he whispered softly.

"You might say that," said the fox, with an expression Naruto had long thought of as a tender smile. "But before we part, I want to tell you my secret: if life is short, then time is precious; and it is the time you have spent with those you love that makes _them_ precious, in turn."

Naruto brushed away the tears and nodded his head in understanding, considering the time he'd had with the one closest to him.

"You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. _That_ is what 'tamed' means; that is our bond. You are responsible for me, Naruto…"

"I am responsible…?" Naruto slowly repeated, brow creasing then eyes widening as all the pieces finally clicked into place.

"_Au Revoir_!" cried the fox, as the seal collapsed at last and the vast sea of concentrated chakra imploded back upon itself.

xxxxxxx

Sarutobi Hiruzen, Sandaime Hokage of Konohagakure no Sato, knelt down and prized the small, blanket-wrapped bundle from the arms of his one-time replacement, Namikaze Minato; the man who had, scant seconds earlier, sacrificed both his life and his blood to defeat the 9-Tails.

"_You have been born to a great burden, Naruto-chan_," the old man thought, his face worn with care. "_The question is, What path will you take with it_?"

* * *

**A.N.**

Au Revoir = Until we see each other again

xxxxxxx

I am claiming Fair Use for this Narutpwned! parody of _Le Petit Prince_, the story of a lonely (yet indomitable) little boy with spiky yellow hair, written by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry.

It will help a _lot _if you are familiar with that story.

xxxxxxx

I'm surprised that I haven't seen this particular crossover done before. The resemblance is... uncanny. And there are a lot of different directions you could take the story.

Which I _have _tried to take advantage of here, actually: there should be several possible readings, depending on how you fill in the (metaphorical) blanks and your interpretation of the (_utterly_) ambiguous wording.

(I was counting on all of that happening automatically rather than consciously; but here are a few hints to find at least 5 variations: it can be 'light' or 'dark'; it can be a 'time travel' fic or not; 'the seal' is not necessarily _the_ seal; the fox is not necessarily 'female', _or_ 'male', _or_ 'Kyuubi', _or_ 'real'; and Naruto may or may not be a jinchuuriki. Anything more than that would be telling.)

Yeah, _I'm_ expecting it to turn out to be a great big steaming bucket of Fail!, too. Maybe I should just go ahead and re-write it so the fox eats his soul, kills Hinata, and destroys the village. You know, the usual #9 Combo Platter.

* * *

**A.N. II**

Sigh. And here I was so excited that this was wrapping up at precisely 66666 words.

:(

xxxxxxx

These are the explanatory notes that were originally posted in the 'Chapters' subsection of my Profile page:

This story is meant to have multiple possible interpretations (without the overused gimmick of leaving the whole thing open-ended); the technique that I am attempting does, however, depend rather heavily on the reader being _engaged_ with the text. There is a difference between reading and watching television.

The expectation was that, given a text with such deliberately ambiguous phrasing, the reader _herself/himself_ (i.e., the reader's psychological make-up: to include the reader's background knowledge, state of mind, personality, etc.) would influence their _interpretation_ of the story content (the meaning/significance); thus -_in theory_- each reader should apprehend or experience the story in a singularly unique way.

In other words, each reader you ask to summarize the story in their own words _should _describe a substantially different version.

It was meant to be an experiment in psychology and language (sign) theory; unfortunately, it seems that the mash-up with _Le Petit Prince_ gives a decided initial bias toward the 'Light' interpretation (despite my concerns that more readers would actually approach this as a '_Dark_' piece, having any familiarity whatsoever with my other stories).

Ah, well; _c'est les vieux_.

O.o

Here are a few _basic _outlines for _some _of the possible variations that can be read into the text:

Light 1: Straightforward. Naruto gets his wish (for a friend): the fox (Kyuubi) is kind to him. Rokudaime Hokage Naruto sacrifices himself for his village, and when the _Shiki Fuujin_ collapses, the fox dies along with Naruto (as originally conceptualized in canon). The scene with Sandaime is a flashback.

Time Travel 1: When the seal collapses, the Kyuubi's infinite chakra implodes, looping back to the original _Shiki Fuuji_n sealing. The scene with Sandaime is the next (future-past) scene.

Time Travel 2: Naruto gets his wish (for a friend). The fox is Kyuubi. When the seal collapses, the Kyuubi's infinite chakra implodes, looping back to the original _Shiki Fuuji_n sealing - _because that is how Naruto's wish came true_. That's why the fox says that Naruto is 'responsible' for it. The scene with Sandaime is the next (future-past) scene.

Dark 1: The fox (Kyuubi) _pretends_ to befriend Naruto. In the end, Naruto designs a new jutsu to release the fox without killing it (Sucker!). Read the fox's lines with this in mind (ex: "I hunt my prey at night." It _is_ night: Naruto is sleeping, and only 'woke up' in the mindscape. The fox is _hunting_ Naruto.).

Dark 2: When Naruto gives his life to save the village, his enemy is the fox.

Madness 1: Naruto is insane. The fox is a figment of his imagination. (Naruto could be in 'protective custody' for more than one reason.)

Madness 2/Dark 3: Sarutobi tricked Minato (his 'one-time' - i.e., single-use - replacement) into defeating the 9-Tails. He _carefully masks his expression_ when he picks up Naruto, which is where Naruto's obsessive fear of people's faces began. This eventually develops into anti-social behavior that turns the villagers against him.

Dark 4: The _kinjutsu_ in the Scroll of Forbidden Seals is used _against_ Naruto, who was considered a threat to the village.

Non-Jinchuuriki 1: Naruto is not a jinchuuriki; the fox actually _is_ sealed beneath the Tower. This particular seal requires someone of Minato's blood (kin; a blood relative, like a son) to maintain.

Non-Jinchuuriki 2: Naruto has the fox's chakra, but not the fox's soul/consciousness. Et cetera.

FemKyuubi: The 'Straightforward' version with Kyuubi as a chick. You can fill in the rest for Light/Dark variants.

Crack 1: It's a fairytale. Naruto is a little bunny, like Peter Rabbit. (This idea was not fully developed.)

Crack 2: Human!Naruto is living in a village of foxes. (This idea was not fully developed.)

Mix & Match: Maybe it's a Dark!Fem!Kyuubi defeated by Naruto, or an Insane!Jinchuuriki!Naruto put down to protect the village, or...

xxxxxxx

Taken on their own, each of these _possible _story-lines is unremarkable. But putting them all together, and still coming up with a coherent (and _passable_, if not exactly 'teh Awesome') story?

_I_ thought it was an idea worth exploring; but it seems like the majority of readers have simply taken it at face-value - despite the explicit explanation that such was not the case.

It shouldn't come as such a surprise, really; it is, after all, merely symptomatic of the same underlying problem that I have been confronting throughout this project.

But it is still very disappointing.

xxxxxxx

Some words are used for their multiple meanings, including:

Ruefully: Rue: 1) to feel sorrow over, repent of, or regret bitterly; 2) to wish that (something) had never been done, taken place, etc.; 3) sorrow, repentance, or regret; 4) pity or compassion; 5) any strongly scented plant of the genus _Rut_a, esp. _R. graveolens_, having yellow flowers and leaves formerly used in medicine as a narcotic and stimulant.  
There are old wives' tales of foxes using rue to cover their scent.

Prized: Prize: 1) To pry; 2) Something taken by force; 3) Property (such as a ship) lawfully captured during war; 4) A reward or honor for victory or for having won a contest; 5) To value or esteem highly.

Sanctuary: 1) a sacred or holy place; 2) a consecrated building or shrine; 3) immunity afforded by refuge in such a place; 4) any place of refuge or asylum; 5) a tract of land where birds and wildlife, esp. those hunted for sport, can breed and take refuge in safety from hunters.

Closest:

xxxxxxx

You can find an English translation of the original text of the fox scene online by Googling: ("The Little Prince" fox tame).


	104. I Have My Own Dream!

**114. I Have My Own Dream! - That's Not What They Said in the Papers IV**

**

* * *

**

Momochi Zabuza was six years old when his father was executed in the public square by order of the Sandaime Mizukage.

He had refused to 'dispose of' an injured squad member while on a mission, opting instead to assign a second member as a rear guard while he and the third member completed the mission.

"It would have been an unnecessary waste of resources," he had written in the mission report.

The mission was successfully completed without further incident.

Zabuza's father, however, had violated SOP; he was arrested and sentenced later that same afternoon.

xxxxxxx

Momochi Zabuza was seven years old when his mother committed 'suicide by shinobi'.

Taking a more sympathetic view, it may simply be that, unable to convince the small boy of the futility -and _danger_- of fighting back against the loathsome, swaggering Kiri nin coming to the house demanding alcohol and 'entertainment' after his father's death, she thought a more _practical_ example might be more effective.

He may have learned a few things from his father, but those were just _fundamentals _- he didn't have some fancy bloodline, he didn't have any of those god-like clan techniques... Hell, he wasn't even a cadet at the Academy yet, much less a trained shinobi. For his own good, he had to learn that trying to stand up to men like this would only make things _worse_, not better.

To give her credit, she actually managed to wound one of them (the fourth in line for the evening's 'entertainment') when she finally snapped, grabbing the long, narrow cleaver that she used at the fish market from its sling and swinging it wildly.

The drunken man was so enraged by his torn shirt and the shallow scratch on his arm that he took the lead role in her brutal beating and... _eventual _murder.

Zabuza, hidden in a utility crawlspace by his mother to protect him from the degenerate ninja, took her final lesson to heart when he peeked between the boards and saw her ravaged body thrown through the waxed paper screens separating the bedroom from the common area. She was clearly dead; but apparently, not even _that _was enough to stop them.

Zabuza bit back his tears and stayed where he was until their weak E-rank _katon _jutsu set the tiny house on fire. He waited as long as he could, to be sure that the shinobi had gone; and just as he was about to asphyxiate from the burning smoke, he fell from his hiding place and crawled out the back door, into the rough scrub and beach grass of the dunes, where he finally collapsed.

In the morning he would come back and sift through the ash for the few metal objects that had survived the fire, which included a few kunai and shuriken that had belonged to his father, and his mother's cleaver.

xxxxxxx

Momochi Zabuza was eight years old, and he was sitting on a rock outcropping watching the gaudy pink and purple fingers of false dawn steal over the horizon.

He was still small, and underfed; but he was fast, and wiry, and surprisingly strong from picking up any odd jobs he could find at the fish market. He had been living on the street for over a year now. He had been learning to fight - both by choice and by necessity. And that experience had also taught him a great deal about his village, and about his people.

xxxxxxx

He had found out that his story was not unique, nor even all that uncommon, in the Hidden Mist. The civilians were terrorized, and even among the shinobi ranks the pecking order was so pronounced that those at the bottom were little more than slaves in peacetime, or human shields in time of war. It was an institutionalized form of 'survival of the fittest'.

While Mizu no Kuni's relative isolation _had_ helped to keep them from being caught in the crossfire of the three Great Shinobi Secret Wars, there had still been near-constant _civil _war in Kirigakure, as the stronger clans and major political factions sought to seize ultimate control.

_That_, at least, had changed when the man who would become their Sandaime Mizukage had appeared, seemingly out of nowhere. No one had ever _seen_ him fight, as he left no survivors; but the bodies of the vanquished gave silent testament to his strength. There were those that were strangely shattered, as though they had exploded from within; and many that were oddly burnt, though Mist had few _katon _users; but the vast majority showed no wounds of _any _kind: only a terrified rictus that paid mute witness to a horrible _power_.

No one knew where he had come from, or even what he _looked _like, as he wore a traditional samurai _sōmen _that kept his face hidden; but he ruled Kirigakure no Sato with an iron hand. 'Only the Strong Survive'; it was no longer prosaic, but _policy _- and it was applied not only to shinobi, but to the village as a whole.

xxxxxxx

There was, however, _another _old adage; one that was rarely spoken anymore in Mist, but Zabuza had heard it from his father: 'There is Strength in Numbers'. And even at his young age he saw the wisdom of it.

Even the greatest _whale_ could be killed, if you hit it with enough spears. He had seen the proof of that for himself, down at the docks. It only required a few brave men and a coordinated effort.

Zabuza began recruiting subordinates from amongst his cohort of street rats and gutter urchins. He wasn't running a charity here: he needed strong fighters who would watch his back - preferably, without sticking a knife into it.

It certainly wasn't like the fairytales they tell in other villages, where the Hero comes to the rescue in the nick of time and is rewarded with earnest friendship and undying loyalty. It didn't take Zabuza many 'lessons' to learn that, once you save someone, you'd better turn around quick and punch them in the face just as hard as you can, before they go for your unprotected kidneys or carotid. Then -and _only_ then, once you have their attention- they might be willing to listen to reason, and see the value of pooling their strength and resources in order to improve their odds of survival.

He kept the gang small, in order to avoid unwanted attention from the authorities; they _did _help and protect one another, but inevitably, the weak would still eventually fall to stronger opponents. When they did, the replacements he recruited were stronger, as well.

Most of them saw the benefits that the new arrangement provided; but in a dog-eat-dog environment like the Hidden Mist, there would always be a few hard cases. If a subordinate turned on him, Zabuza might simply let the kid walk away - so long as he didn't pose a continuing threat. Zabuza didn't like the idea of wasting resources unnecessarily, after all. On the other hand, he could kill without hesitation if that's what the situation called for.

It's not that Zabuza didn't value human life, exactly; life just wasn't a precious commodity in Kiri.

That's something he wanted to change.

xxxxxxx

Zabuza stood up from his seat on the rocks and stretched, his arms above his head. The sun was just beginning to rise, bleeding scarlet ribbons into the water. He picked up his mother's cleaver and slung it around his back, then skipped up the shore and into the mist.

Today was a big day: the annual genin graduation exam at the Shinobi Academy. Everyone in town was sure to be watching.

Zabuza was planning to make a name for himself.

* * *

**A.N.**

"_You're right. Those little people and their little dreams; why should I care about them? I have my own dream!_" -Momochi Zabuza

xxxxxxx

SOP = Standard Operating Procedure

Sōmen = Type of early samurai _Men-gu_ (face armor) that covers the whole face; often having the shape of a grotesque demon's face.

xxxxxxx

No, Zabuza's mother's cleaver is _not_ Kubikiri Houcho. He's probably less than four feet tall in this fic.

xxxxxxx

I can't believe that I have never seen a truly noble and heroic Zabuza; even when a writer expresses some sympathy for Zabuza's goals, they still depict him as a 'bloodthirsty' or even 'psychotic' character.

But Zabuza's character has so much more potential than that! Before he was even _enrolled _in the Academy, he infiltrated the Kiri Shinobi Academy's graduation exams and killed the _entire _graduating class: over 100 students.

Why? Well, my reasoning here is so that they would be forced to acknowledge that the system was flawed and _change _it. That's some impressive leadership potential for a kid who was probably less than 8 years old.

Were his _own _actions barbaric? As every kage knows, sometimes sacrifices have to be made in order to win the battle; and let's remember, these weren't innocent 'kids' - they were ready to kill their own friends and comrades in order to graduate. At least 50 would have been killed in the exam in any case; so weigh an extra 50 of these morally questionable genin against the opportunity to change the very system that produced them.

The 'Greatest Good for the Greatest Number' types might argue that Zabuza made a difficult -but ultimately justifiable- decision.

Zabuza's spectacular debut also helped him to rise to a position where he could attempt a coup against the Mizukage (again, in effort to _liberate _the 'Bloody Mist') - which he followed up by taking mercenary work to raise funds for a _second _attempt, even while being hunted as an enemy of the state; thus demonstrating his continued commitment to his cause and to his people.

That's pretty hard-core.

xxxxxxx

Do you honestly think that no _Konoha _nin have ever been hired to assassinate a client's business rival?

xxxxxxx

Middle-of-Nowhere Kirigakure turns out 50 trained fighters per class, whereas Everybody-Wants-a-Piece-of-Me Konoha graduates 9 useless (unless they've learned clan techniques) brats per class. Mist wasn't involved in the first three Great Shinobi World Wars, so the higher numbers can't be attributed to that (nor to the Bloodline Purges, which came later). And I _think _that the civil wars in Mist are just fanon.

Kishi's numbers just don't make sense to me.

(And I haven't seen any evidence to support that oft-repeated 'quality over quantity' argument, either.)

xxxxxxx

Thanks to Fritter, who pointed out that Zabuza actually did all of this without the aid of a bloodline, doujutsu, or more than a few techniques (he was 'only' an A-rank missing-nin, after all). I think that adds even more depth to the character.


	105. The Rookie 9 are Special

**115. The Rookie 9 are _Special_  
**

**

* * *

**

The Hokage had just dismissed the meeting, and dozens of newly assigned jounin-sensei hurried out of the office, chattering excitedly about their new genin teams.

Three of the jounin, however, tarried behind the others; fake smiles pasted to their faces as they edged past their ebullient colleagues and made their way toward the Hokage's desk. Finally, the office door closed and the voices were silenced.

For about a millisecond.

"Is this some kind of _joke_?" Kakashi exploded, slamming his new team roster onto the desk. "This is the '_Special Needs_' class! Why the hell are you giving them to _me_?"

"I have to agree, Dad," said Asuma, shaking his head and scowling as he looked at his own list. "These are the _problem_ kids. They shouldn't even have made it _through _the Academy. What were you _thinking_?"

"It's not really my _place_, Hokage-sama," Kurenai hedged, trying not to lose face in front of her two more-experienced peers. "But these… _children _do seem to be the… um, 'bottom of the barrel', as it were. Wouldn't it be better if-"

The Hokage released a controlled pulse of Killing Intent that served to remind all three of the jounin just _who_ exactly was wearing the Big Funny Hat.

"Do you think _I_ like this any more than _you_ do?" he growled.

"You're all bright people - or so I keep _telling _myself," (Kurenai and Asuma both blushed at this - though for entirely different reasons). "_You_ figure it out. These retards are all _clan heirs_, or the next thing to it. It would be political _suicide_ to fail them. That's why they were given only the simplest, bare-bones training at the Academy, and that's why you _will_ pass their teams."

And while they were at it -since they were so 'bright' and all- maybe they would _also_ figure out how they had gotten on the Hokage's shit-list and stuck with these morons in the _first_ place.

"I don't know if it's inbreeding, or fallout from the Kyuubi attack, or something even _more_ insidious," the Hokage continued, suddenly feeling every bit of his seventy-plus years. "But somehow, _all _of our major clans have been affected - and god help me, they even managed to _calf _at the same time, too. If our weakness were to ever become public knowledge..."

The room grew chill as each one of them imagined the potential consequences of such a scenario. Not surprisingly, 'Konoha in Flames' seemed to feature prominently in the thoughts of all four.

"But don't worry, it's not a long-term assignment," the Hokage finally sighed, breaking the moribund silence. "Just babysit them for a couple of months: no real training, and only the lowest D-ranks we can find. Then -when the time is right- I'll cherry-pick an 'appropriate' C-rank; just let the problem take care of itself, and you'll be off the hook."

The three jounin exchanged a knowing look, as though they were privy to an inside-joke. There was a _reason_ the crafty old buzzard was called the 'Professor', after all.

xxxxxxx

As they were leaving the office, Kurenai stopped Asuma in the hallway.

"I don't get it. If the other kids are all clan heirs, why is _Naruto_…?" she asked.

Asuma gave her a dubious look. "You know, I was _going _to buy you dinner first; but let's just go straight to your place and get it over with."

"Okay!" she chirped.

* * *

**A.N.**

Because the more I thought about it, the less sense any other explanation made.


	106. No One's Tool but My Own

**116. No One's Tool but My Own  
**

**

* * *

**

Deep down inside, Naruto's emotions were raging like an inferno as he laid the lifeless Uchiha gently on the ground. As he stood from his teammate's body, his own small frame hunched and shaking, a diabolical crimson haze began to rise like steam, casting garish reflections in the ice and giving the tormented _Hyouton _user observing him a premonition of Hell.

Struggling against her duty, her conscience _and _her fear, Haku finally managed to find the strength to remove her mask and speak: to say _goodbye _to her first -and only- friend.

"We both have the same dream: people we want to protect, people we will fight for, people we want to help reach their goals…"

"But on this bridge, our dreams _collide_. It is the place where we will _fight _- me, for my dreams; and you, for _yours_. Please don't resent me. Even if he _was _your friend, he still stood in my way."

Naruto remained silent; thick coils of demonic energy pulsing and twisting around him like a nest of angry red serpents, frustrated at being denied their prey.

He had always been rash and impetuous, rushing in without thinking things through. It had just been _easier _that way, rather than admitting to himself that, no matter _what _he did, they would _never _acknowledge him. He had tried so hard to fit in, to be _liked_... but he was always met by that unyielding wall of scorn and indifference. It would have just been too _painful _to accept that his situation would never change.

But this mission _had _changed _him_: he had grown up in a lot of ways, and opened his eyes to things he simply didn't _want _to see before.

And so he considered Haku's words, and he thought back to their conversation in the forest. And then he looked down at the pale, peevish boy that lay dead at his feet.

"He _wasn't_ my friend," he said at last. "When he said that his body, 'just moved on its own'? He _meant_ that. If he'd had half a chance to think about it at all, he would have _let me die_."

"The whole _village_ is like that," Naruto scoffed bitterly. "If they could just blink me out of existence, and not worry about breaking the seal or letting some _other_ village have me? They wouldn't _hesitate_. They'd give me up without a second thought. They wouldn't give me a chance to prove myself; hell, they wouldn't even give me time to say _goodbye._"

Naruto shook his head sadly, and looked up at the girl he'd been fighting.

"Do what you want; I won't stand in your way. Who am I, to say that _my _dreams are more important than yours, or that _my _friends have more right to live than yours?"

"You and I are so much alike… If _we_ can't find common ground, and reach an understanding to work together - then how can I ever _hope_ to make _them_ acknowledge me?"

xxxxxxx

Across the bridge, Kakashi recognized the horrifying taint of the 9-Tails. Even after twelve years, the memory was as fresh and raw in his mind as Obito's broken smile.

"_Is the seal cracking_?" he thought, firing up his signature technique, the Chidori. "_I have to get to Naruto_…"

"This ends _now_, Zabuza," the Copy Nin growled. "A much _bigger_ problem has suddenly come up."

Kakashi blitzed forward with the skittering sound of a thousand birds scratching at the pavement.

There was a flash of light and smoke; the stomach-churning stench of burning flesh.

A mirror of ice had appeared in front of Zabuza.

Kakashi had not killed the legendary Mist Swordsman; instead, his hand was buried deep in the chest of a young child.

His _second _target.

Naruto.

Who was now cloaked in the 3-tailed chakra shroud of the Demon Fox, and gripping Kakashi's wrist as the jounin writhed in agony from the corrosive contact.

"Can you _understand_," Naruto asked in a hoarse whisper; his voice haunted, and insistent. "Not having a dream... not being _needed _by anyone... The pain that comes from merely being _alive_?"

The Scarecrow struggled to answer.

By forming a _second _Chidori with his _other _hand.

But with only the slightest flick of a scarlet tail, a silver-haired head went tumbling roughly across the concrete; cauterized at the neck from the searing heat.

"_That _should cover your revolution," Naruto spat, glancing at Zabuza, who was once again being supported by the fake hunter-nin.

Red, slitted eyes narrowed as he caught sight of Gatō and his thugs sneaking onto the bridge behind them.

"And _this _should cover _mine_," he added, dropping to all-fours and launching himself into the now panicking rout of mercenaries.

* * *

**A.N.**

Yeah, I guess that Zabuza story the other day got me kind of wound up.

But to be honest, I'm starting to think that the manga pretty much peaked with the Wave arc.

xxxxxxx

Naruto & his pals kill off the only two people on the planet who actually personify his ideals, on his very first mission as a ninja.

I've said it before: either Kishimoto has the most incredible sense of irony I've ever seen, or he is the worst. writer. ever.

xxxxxxx

Haku's lines are based on canon here. But I gave one of them to Naruto.

* * *

**A.N. II**

Hmmm, should I be a bastard and spoil the mood? Oh, what the hell - Here's a twofer.

* * *

**117. He's Kind of a Tool, II - The Omake**

**

* * *

**

Across the bridge, Kakashi recognized the horrifying taint of the 9-Tails. Even after twelve years, the memory was as fresh and raw in his mind as Obito's broken smile.

"_Is the seal cracking_?" he thought. "_I have to get to Naruto_…"

"This ends _now_, Zabuza," Kakashi growled. "A much _bigger_ problem has suddenly come up."

"Hey, hey - No worries," said the legendary Swordsman, backing away with his hands held up in a placating manner. "'Business first' and all that, right? It's cool; we can just pick this up when you get back."

Kakashi gave the other man a curt nod and quickly made his way to the dome of ice.

That's what he liked about working with _professionals_.

xxxxxxx

"_Chidori_!"

Naruto stared blankly at the arm impaled through his chest, then back into the face of the Copy Nin.

"That wasn't very _nice_, Sensei," he growled, his red chakra flaring like a blast furnace.

Kakashi leapt backwards, narrowly avoiding the incredibly agile tails that were slashing the air like crimson bullwhips.

The oppressive weight of the demonic Killing Intent was unbearable. This was no mere _genin _he was up against - it was the King of the Freaking _Bijuu _for god's sake! He needed something stronger, he needed-

"_Raikiri_!"

"God _damn _it, Sensei!" Naruto snarled, batting the Sharingan-wielder away as though he were a pesky fly. "That is _really _starting to piss me off!"

Kakashi's mind was racing a mile a minute as he dodged and weaved his way through the non-stop barrage as the tails continued to rain down strike after strike. He'd been assigned as Naruto's handler as a _fail-safe_, just in case the unthinkable happened and the Yondaime's _Shiki Fuujin_ broke down, releasing the beast.

It sounded good in _theory_; but _what_, exactly, had they expected him to _do_?

Jesus, he'd copied more than a thousand jutsu; surely…

Bingo.

"_Oiroke no Jutsu_!"

There was a cloud of smoke.

"Oh, _come on_, Sensei - You don't think you can fool me with my own techni-"

Naruto's eyes bulged out and his tongue unspooled like a roll of cartoon carpet.

"Naruto-kun... Did... Did you _mean _it? Do you really want to _kiss _it?"

"S-S-S-Sa-Sa-_Sakura_?"

Innocent or not, Naruto's glance roamed southward just as the mist from the jutsu parted.

He and Sasuke -who had awakened just in time for the Big Reveal- both went collapsing back to the pavement in a tangled heap of elbows and assholes.

Somebody in there seemed to be sporting a pretty good... nosebleed, too.

"_Just _swell," Kakashi thought, brushing a stray lock of pink hair from his eyes. "_Well, crisis averted, I suppose; but this _sure _as hell isn't making it any easier to get these blasted _senbon _out_."

Then he blinked, and giggled as he realized he was still foolishly maintaining the _henge_. He swiftly dispelled the technique and turned - only to be confronted by the gob-smacked expression of his _third _student.

"It's not what it _looks _like, Sakura," the silver-haired jounin back-pedaled, stumbling over himself in his rush to explain. "It was just _Sasuke's_ body, with pink hair. I'm not _that _much of a pervert. _Honest_!"

"_Liar_," Sakura snipped in a frigid tone that had nothing to do with her icy surroundings. "I just came to tell you that Zabuza killed the bridge builder the moment your back was turned. I'll wait outside, while you three... clean yourselves up."

It was a long, _awkward _walk back to Konoha for all concerned.

* * *

**A.N. III**

Because a reviewer asked, and I really _don't_ have any idea what Kakashi thought he was going to do if the seal _was _'cracking'.

(And I don't think _Kakashi _did, either.)


	107. Above and Beyond the Underneath

**A.N.**

Uh-oh. You _know _it's bad news when the A.N. comes _first_.

This is insipid twaddle.

Not that the rest of the crap I write is any better; it's just harder to ignore when it comes at you in _volume _like this.

I promise there will be plenty of abortions and decapitations for _everybody _next time.

* * *

**125. Above and Beyond the Underneath**

**

* * *

**

Naruto couldn't sleep. He had _done_ it! He had really, truly, finally done it. He was now officially a _genin _of Konohagakure no Sato, the Village Hidden in the Leaves. He was on a _team_!

Take _that_, you bastards!

Okay, so it had _sucked_ when they had all walked off and left him tied to the post. And he just _knew_ that he was going to have nightmares about that sick freak's 'Thousand Years of Pain' maneuver.

But a _team_! That was almost like having _friends_!

And _that _was like _magic_.

He just couldn't stop replaying the day's events over and over again in his head.

Meeting at the training ground. Waiting for their tardy sensei (what the hell was _up _with that, anyway? That made twice in a _row_!). Kakashi finally showing up and explaining the exam. The -_shudder_- Incident. Trying to sneak into the food. Being caught and tied to the post. Sasuke and Sakura feeding him from _their_ bento (like real _friends_ would!). Kakashi (Holy Shit, _Kakashi_!) reappearing like an angry _god_. Kakashi telling them they passed! Kakashi saying they had to look 'underneath the underneath'. Kakashi explaining about the names on the Cenotaph. Kakashi (very firmly) telling them that, 'Those who do not follow the rules are trash; but those who abandon their friends are even _worse_ than trash."

The memories kept flashing through Naruto's mind, but he somehow began to feel that it wasn't mere _giddiness_ that was keeping him awake. There was something _bothering _him, too - like a mosquito, buzzing by his ear in the dark, that wouldn't let him get to sleep. Something puzzling, creeping around just at the borders of his perception.

The day's events kept replaying over and over…

When Kakashi had arrived at the training ground, he had explained the exam. But _yesterday_, Kakashi had said that they would start their _training_ today: 'survival training', he had called it. Yes, he had then gone on to tell them about the exam as well; but what if…?

That 'underneath the underneath' thing really seemed to be a big deal to Kakashi. Could he have meant that there would be some kind of _training_ today -something _beyond_ the exam- something important enough that he had wanted it to be their very first lesson, to help them _survive_ as ninja?

Argh! This was driving him _crazy_! How the hell was he supposed to figure out that psychotic Kakashi guy's riddles? The man was some kind of _genius_, for god's sake! All he had to do was _look_ at them this morning, and he'd been able to identify their weaknesses immediately, and take each of them down like they were _nothing_! He was…

He was...

Holy fuck, he was a _genius_!

It all made _sense_ now! The business about friends, and the Cenotaph, and 'looking underneath the underneath', and the way Kakashi was able to analyze them all so quickly with just a single glance - it was one of the '_rules'_ Kakashi had mentioned! God damn it, he could _never _remember all those blasted things - there were like a _million _of them, for christ's sake. He'd just have to ask Sakura about it sometime. But Naruto was _positive _that there was a Shinobi Code that said something about "watching and waiting" - it was all about _awareness_: observing your surroundings, using the enemy's weakness or the terrain to your advantage, and holding out for the perfect opportunity to strike. That was supposed to be _half _the battle, right there - and Kakashi had certainly proved _that _to them this morning.

And of _course_ you had to be most careful with your friends -choosing them, trusting them _and_ protecting them- because _they_ were the people who knew the most about _you_!

It all made _sense_!

Son of a _bitch_. With a mastermind like this Kakashi character training him, there was a chance that Naruto really _could_ become Hokage someday!

Naruto's gut told him that he was right (and Naruto had learned from cruel experience not to bet against the gut); but there was only _one _way to be 100 percent certain.

Kakashi had been late two days running so far. If he was on time _tomorrow_, it would mean that Naruto was wrong about the whole thing ("_as usual_," his darker thoughts jeered); but if Kakashi was late _again_, it would mean that _Naruto _-'Dead-Last' Naruto, who hadn't even managed to guess the _top _of the underneath of the Bell Test- had actually figured out the man's little game and their new jounin-sensei was _deliberately _doing it, as another test - a test called, "Where's One-Eye?'.

(Okay, on second thought? Let's make that, "A test called, 'Find Your Sensei'," instead.)

Well, whatever the hell you called it, Naruto was _sure _that this was just the tip of the iceberg - and that his new team was going to open up a whole new _world _of possibilities for him.

Smiling blissfully, Naruto finally drifted off to sleep.

Only to have the most disturbing nightmare of his young life.

"_Damn you, Cyclops_! _That _hurts!"

xxxxxxx

Kakashi _was_ late the next day, naturally; however it would still be several months before Naruto would unravel that _particular _mystery.

That's not _all _he worked on in the interim, of course. The epiphany he'd had about 'awareness' and 'observing his surroundings' had led to a complete overhaul of the Uzumaki Naruto machine.

Naruto was nothing if not determined - actually, that's putting it kindly; Naruto was nothing _but_ determined. He wasn't skilled, he wasn't educated, he wasn't talented or gifted. But -as damn near anyone in the village would tell you, friend or foe alike- he _was_ a stubborn little bastard. And when Uzumaki Naruto put his mind to something, it stayed _put_.

So in addition to ferreting out his chronically late sensei's morning hiding place, Naruto _also _tried to spot any _other_ lessons the one-eyed jounin might be trying to subreptitiously pass on, 'underneath the underneath'.

It was a constant struggle at first for Naruto to rein in his natural tendencies to shout, and jump, and tear around, and show off, and interrupt, and... well, to be _Naruto_, when you got right down to it. But when he did - when he kept his big mouth shut and his eyes and ears open?

Good Lord. That Kakashi-sensei was a veritable _goldmine_.

Every word he said, every move he made, everything he _did_, seemed to have some kind of cryptic subtext.

He was late _every single _day! And those cockamamie _excuses _he gave didn't come anywhere _near _making sense! And Naruto was pretty sure that _book _he always seemed to be reading was some kind of _porn_! And the _mask_ - even when he _ate_! And the hitai-ate over his eye! And that _hair_! And the way he talked to his friend, Gai! Hell, the way he talked to damn near _anybody _-even the Old Man!- like he wasn't really paying attention (though Naruto knew _way_ better than that). The guy acted like he was a complete _loser_!

In short, Kakashi was _incredible_! No one would _ever _suspect the dazzling intellect that Naruto knew he was hiding behind that droopy, half-asleep expression. No one would _ever_ take such a rumpled, goofy looking guy seriously in a fight. And of course, he would _blend right in_ with all the skeevy low-lifes and pervs that always seemed to have the _best _information on criminal activity or the underworld.

Naruto was, to put it simply, _starstruck_. That fortuitous flash of 'insight' into what Naruto _thought _were the byzantine inner workings of Kakashi's rarefied mind that night after their Bell Test had given him a slightly... _skewed _perception of the man. Basically, Naruto had somehow concluded that Kakashi was the _epitome _of everything that a good shinobi _should _be - and, once again offering thanks to all the guardian spirits for this most _propitious _team assignment, Naruto had resolved to learn _everything he could_ from the man. Not the skeevy goofball bit - because that was like his unique, individual signature style; but the _ethos_, the mindset... the true _art _of being a ninja.

It's true, Naruto didn't have any idea what a _lot _of the things Kakashi said or did were actually supposed to _mean_; But he _was _making fairly decent progress filling a good-sized notebook that he had labeled, 'Things Kakashi-sensei is _Trying _to Teach Me'. And that was a _start_, right?

In fact, he was _so _caught up in capturing the myriad details of Kakashi's mystifying 'U.t.U.' training that he never even _noticed _the lack of jutsu being taught.

(Though he _did _pick up some good chakra control & suppression exercises with a 'hint' regarding the importance of same when he had asked how his sensei was always able to sneak up on them each morning.)

xxxxxxx

Naruto began to continuously hone his skills by simply paying more attention to the villagers and how they interacted with one another, and by taking more note of his surroundings.

He wouldn't recognize the terminology, but he was beginning to develop his analytical and cognitive skills, as well. He began to ask himself questions as he made his observations: What and Why and When and How and Where and Who. And he tried to make _sense _of the world around him -and the people in it- by piecing together theories and hypotheses that related to the things he had seen.

It was a slow, painstaking process, and it involved a lot of trial and error. Naruto had been on his own most of his life, without any significant role models from whom he could 'learn by example'. The harsh truth was, he was actually more like a surprisingly intelligent _animal _than a poorly raised human child. But he was making progress -watching other people, emulating their behavior, learning the basic fundamentals of coexisting with others in society- and people were beginning to... well, to _not _notice him; at least, not in the way they had in the past.

One of the first things Naruto realized was that it was much easier to observe _other _people when you weren't drawing attention to _yourself_. So that was the end of the pranks - and a death sentence for the Orange Monstrosity he called a uniform. It was replaced by a couple of decent quality jackets and trousers in charcoal gray or cobalt blue, that he could mix or match. (He made the initial purchases under _henge_, after having the ground-shaking -or perhaps, 'face-palming'- revelation that _other _people experienced none of the difficulty _he _did when doing _their _shopping.) Add a few loose T-shirts in subdued earth tones, and he would be _relatively _inconspicuous - both in the village, and in any of Team 7's routine field environments.

After the first couple of months, the most _remarkable _thing that Naruto had learned was the fact that people -almost _universally_- seemed much _nicer _than he used to think. They weren't throwing him any parades or anything like that, but for the most part, everyone was at least _civil _to him now. He just couldn't figure it out. What had happened? Had he just not _noticed _it before? No, he _still _had cupboards full of orange jumpsuits, dull kunai and other inferior goods that he'd been sold at inflated prices - so that was _definitely _not a figment of his imagination.

But the more he watched, and the more he listened (and the more he kept his own mouth shut in order to do both) -in short, the more he got to _know_ them all- the nicer they seemed to be toward _him_.

Naruto was completely mystified by this turn of events. So he began to log these observations in a _second _notebook.

xxxxxxx

Naruto tried to apply Kakashi's lessons and learn more about his teammates, as well.

Again, waging the desperate struggle against his native _Narutosity_, he decided to back off a bit, and give them both room to act naturally without any interference.

It was difficult, of course, watching his crush throw herself at his rival - and watching the bastard scorn her time and time again.

But by taking off the emotional blinders, and simply trying to observe and record -the way a _real _ninja should- Naruto gradually began to discover that there was more to his teammates than he had ever _imagined_.

And naturally, it wasn't always a pleasant experience.

By taking that step back -taking himself out of the equation, as it were- Naruto was able to notice things that he hadn't before. It took awhile, but Naruto was finally able to admit to himself that the way he used to act didn't actually _impress _Sakura - it _annoyed _her. She thought that he was embarrassing, irritating, and exasperatingly persistent - like some kind of _rash_. And looking back -much to his chagrin- he was starting to see that she was _right_. He _had _been obnoxious and rude - and not just to Sakura, but to _everyone_.

Still, despite all of that, Sakura _relied_ on Naruto to make her feel better - both by being there to bolster her rickety self-esteem and trying to cheer her up, and by giving her a convenient target upon which to vent her own frustration and pain.

Naruto was a bit shocked to find that he didn't feel _good _that Sakura had 'needed' him like that. He simply felt... _sad_. Both for himself, _and _for Sakura.

He couldn't help but wonder how much _different _their lives might have been, if he had just tried talking to her as a _friend_, instead of hounding her for 'dates' all the time. He'd been doing it since he was _eight years old_, for fuck's sake - where did he even _hear _about 'dates' at that age? The sheer _irony_ that he may have driven away the _one _person who wanted friendship as desperately as he _himself _did -by virtue of his own inept advances, no less- left him feeling more wretched than any of the trivial _insults _he'd ever received.

And things weren't that much different concerning Sasuke, unfortunately.

Naruto had always been jealous of the Uchiha; he seemed to have _everything _- he was talented for his age (even Naruto had to grudgingly admit _that_), he was good looking (ditto), he had a horde of fan-girls (_including _Sakura and Ino), he had money, he had his own house in a walled estate, and the villagers fawned all over him like he was the second coming of the Ricky Ricardo Semen (or whatever the hell that sage guy's name was).

And yet, the boy _acted _like none of that mattered at all! _Of course_ it had been galling to Naruto, who had _never _had _anything_. If the Uchiha didn't want those things, Naruto would be all too _happy _to take them! _And _knock that smug, pretty-boy smile off that pampered, silver spoon-fed face while he was at it, just for good measure.

Sure, Naruto had been vaguely aware that Sasuke's family had been killed (and he now held no small amount of dread that in some as-yet unexplored corner of his heart, he had felt _pleased _at the news, that someone else from his class would now be an orphan like him). But Naruto had been alone all his life; he had never _had_, much less _lost_, anyone that he was truly _close _to. And he never had anyone to teach him about empathy. So it didn't really _register _with him back then just how devastating this might be to Sasuke.

Which meant that Naruto had pestered _him_, as well -to fights Naruto had _no chance_ of ever winning- somehow convinced that _someday_, a lucky punch would magically strip Sasuke of all his wealth, and status, and reputation, and skill, and talent, and everything _else _he had, and confer it all upon a triumphant and exalted Naruto, grinning and blowing kisses to _his own _imaginary legions of shrieking fans.

Naruto felt the burning shame of that memory every time Kakashi paired the two of them together to spar now; but nonetheless, he would always ask politely for the Uchiha's indulgence, try his best, and then say, "Thank you for training with me today, Sasuke-san."

Naruto didn't know all of the facts or all of the details; and if he had learned _anything_, it was that he himself played no more than a small role in the grand pageant of other people's lives. But _maybe_, just maybe, Sasuke had a _reason _to act so angry all the time.

xxxxxxx

On the other hand, not all of what Naruto learned regarding his teammates was _bad_, either. Sometimes it was just something _new _- like trying a different food for the first time, or reading the next chapter in a book that you like.

After a while -that is, after it became clear that Naruto really _wasn't_ going to pester her for dates all the time anymore, and genuinely seemed to simply enjoy the company- Sakura even started hanging out after their missions, and talking, and it was _fun_. Sasuke wouldn't join them (at least, not at first) - because, as Naruto found out from Sakura, Sasuke always went straight home to the desolate Uchiha Compound and continued training for several more hours at the end of each day.

It turned out that Sasuke didn't just dislike his _fan-girls_: he didn't like _anyone _getting physically close to him. He preferred to avoid crowded areas, and he always seemed to maintain an invisible barrier of 'personal space' larger than anyone Naruto had ever _seen _- it was like the 'killing field' around a fortified position, in one of the scrolls on tactics Naruto was reading. Naruto flat out _told _him, one afternoon after a particularly harrowing D-rank grocery run - that when it came to situational awareness, Sasuke had him beat _hands down_. Sasuke was subtle, but his eyes were _constantly _flicking back and forth, wherever he might be -checking the exits, scanning every face in a crowd, watching the treeline, suddenly shifting to a flock of crows that got flushed from the bushes- always looking for any _possible _threat. Naruto said that he could only _hope _to get that good, someday.

At Sasuke's confused and troubled look, however, Naruto wondered if he would _ever _be able to make things right with the Uchiha. It certainly wasn't _looking _too promising, if he couldn't even pay the boy a simple _compliment _without somehow upsetting him. Maybe he had already ruined any _possible _chance of friendship with _both _of his teammates.

But the thing about this whole situation that baffled Naruto most of all was, he found that he could even talk with Sakura about _Sasuke_ like this, and she wouldn't get mad. And he could never even mention Sasuke's _name _around her before without pissing her off!

Of course, Sakura had always been a lot smarter than Naruto, so she was probably a _lot _farther ahead of him with all of this 'underneath the underneath' stuff. That would explain why it seemed like the more Naruto talked with her, the more she tried to be a better friend and teammate to _both _of the boys - he simply must have been giving away too much information.

Something _else _to work on.

That's okay - Naruto would get it, in his own time. He didn't _really _see it as a competition anymore; they were a _team_, after all, and you had to expect that they would each have different strengths and weaknesses. Everything would balance out all right, in the end - so long as they always had each other for cover and support.

(Naruto _had _briefly considered whether _this _part of the training might be another 'teamwork' exercise as well; but it seemed unlikely, as getting to know about your teammates and friends was such a crucial aspect of it. And since Sakura and Sasuke never mentioned it _either_, that pretty well settled the matter for him.)

xxxxxxx

And so the days passed: meeting at the bridge every morning, talking and joking while they waited for their (as Naruto was beginning to think, _'amazingly _clever and incredibly _patient_') sensei; doing a D-rank mission or two or three (because they just seemed to keep doing them _faster_, for some reason); enjoying a meal together (sitting at the three posts, just like their first day - only... _better_ somehow, you know?), before starting the afternoon's training or missions.

Which brought up yet another curious detail for Naruto to log in his second notebook: even when Sakura started training more seriously (to keep up with the boys), and started eating quite a bit more - she _still _always had an extra rice ball, or a piece of fruit, to give to him. And even weirder, _Sasuke _did, too - including _oranges_, which Naruto loved but Sasuke didn't even _like_.

And Sasuke lived _alone_.

Naruto wasn't _complaining_; he was certainly eating a more balanced diet than he ever had in his _life_. He just thought that his teammates were peculiar, that's all. Some of the things they did just didn't make any sense.

xxxxxxx

When the big day finally came that Naruto thought he had -_at last_!- cracked the secret code of their errant sensei's tardiness, he also came to a decision regarding his teammates.

And about _himself_, for that matter.

xxxxxxx

"Good morning, Sakura-san," Naruto greeted the pink-haired girl as he walked onto the bridge.

"Oh, good morning, Naruto-kun," she replied with a small smile.

Sakura could not have told you precisely _when _she had added the -kun honorific to Naruto's name; it had been at least a couple of months after he had mysteriously started using the more formal -san honorific with _her _name, however.

There was no indication that the change was an expression of romantic interest (necessarily); it hadn't even _consciously _occurred to Sakura that she was _doing _it, to tell the truth. It was simply the appropriate and traditional form of address for one's male teammates.

And _friends_.

As they sat there on the bridge, enjoying the warmth of the morning sun and laughing and chatting, Naruto considered his distaff teammate.

Puppy love (or whatever you want to call his previous affection-starved harassment) aside, Sakura had always been your typical, average, insecure pre-teen girl.

Like Naruto, she didn't have any friends. The only friend she ever _did_ have was Ino; and when Ino criticized Sakura for being too wishy-washy and spineless, it had led to Sakura making two (if not three) of the biggest mistakes of her life.

She had actually thought that Ino would _respect_ her more, for declaring herself as a rival. She had thought that Ino would finally see her as an _equal_.

What Sakura didn't take into account was that Ino was _also_ your typical, average, insecure pre-teen girl.

Ino was so hurt by the apparent ease with which Sakura had dismissed their friendship -and so _determined _not to let it show- that it would take _years _(or a miracle of some kind) for the rift to heal.

As for the second mistake, Sakura didn't have any friends (as previously stated); _and_ she was the only civilian in a class full of shinobi clan heirs - and _Naruto_. And _everyone_ hated Naruto, right?

It's not that he couldn't, or _didn't_, blame her: now that he was paying attention and _aware _of these things, he _knew_ that the things she had said and done had hurt him.

But where he _couldn't_ relate to Sasuke -never having had a family himself- he _could_ understand Sakura. He _knew_ what it was like to be _lonely_, and to not have any friends. He _knew_ what it was like, to want _desperately _to fit in.

He had even said mean things, and picked fights with other kids _himself _(his other teammate being a prime example).

And so if he couldn't _not _blame her, then how could he also not _forgive_ her?

(Face it: the logic behind the Narutonian geometry that the boy used to get from point A to point B by way of point Gumdrops could be simply _mind-boggling_.)

"Sakura-san," he said, surprising her by sitting up into a more formal _seiza _position that she would never have guessed he even _knew_. "I just want to say that I am very happy that the three of us were placed on this team together. It is my hope that this will be a fresh start for _all _of us; and that, in time, the three of us will become true friends."

It may have been something in Naruto's scrupulous phrasing; it may have been the uncharacteristic formality of his posture, or his language; or it may simply have been the sincerity that shone in his crystal blue eyes as they met hers, and the way they seemed to pierce the very darkest secrets of her heart…

Sakura sat up as well, recognizing the moment for what it was - having replayed and regretted that agonizing scene with Ino a thousand times over the years.

"I…" and she paused as her voice cracked, and she swallowed the painful lump in her throat. If, after everything she had done, everything she had _said_, he would do this for her... really give her a chance to start again, and the opportunity to make things _right_? Then she would not dishonor his kindness with her tears. "I would like that very much as well, Naruto-kun," she said softly, bowing her head.

Naruto smiled and turned to gaze at the sunlight reflecting on the gently rippling water, giving them each a few moments to collect themselves.

xxxxxxx

"Naruto?" Sasuke asked, opening the door a crack and scanning the empty street. "What's the matter? Do we have a mission?"

"No, it's nothing like that," Naruto quickly replied. "I'm sorry to bother you after training like this, but I wanted to speak with you alone. Do you have a minute, Sasuke-san?"

"I guess so," Sasuke reluctantly replied, stepping back into the foyer. "What is it?"

"I apologize in advance if what I say offends you in any way," Naruto began, just as he had rehearsed - trying not to shoot his mouth off for once. "I never had any family, and the truth is, I don't really know how to _act _around people sometimes. I just blurt out what I'm thinking, and sometimes that bothers people. I-"

"Look, Naruto," Sasuke interrupted. "You seem like a decent guy and all, and you're not _anything _like I used to think you were; but if this is some kind of _confession_-"

"No!" This time it was _Naruto's_ turn to interrupt. And he did so _vehemently_. "Oh, god, no! Just... _no_! I mean, _you're_ a nice guy, too - but, seriously, no! _Ewugh_. Way to spoil the mood, Bastard."

Naruto held up a single hand -palm outward- and took a deep, calming breath.

No backsliding. This was _important_.

"Look, what I'm _trying _to say is, I never _had _a family - so I don't know what it's _like_. Even just walking past all these dark houses, I realize that I will _never_ understand what _you_ feel, every day."

"But I _am_ your teammate, and I _want_ to be your friend. And that means that I will _always_ be here for you -whether you need somebody to help you with your training, or your fan-girls, or that haircut, or that 'Man' you have to kill- I'll _be_ here."

Sasuke was quiet for a long moment, just staring at Naruto with narrowed eyes. Then he abruptly turned and walked back into the house.

Naruto felt his heart sink right into his feet.

Saskuke cleared his throat a bit, but did not look back. "I was just about to have dinner," he said at last. "You can stay, if you want."

Naruto stayed.

xxxxxxx

It had indeed taken Naruto several months to discover his wily sensei's morning hiding place - even though it was only a stone's throw away, on the other side of the training ground from the bridge where they all usually met.

But when he finally _did _manage to track the elusive jounin down, he wished more than anything that he hadn't.

This didn't seem like a _test_, or an _exercise _- this was more like _spying_.

On a _friend_.

And _that_ was as low as you could get.

Turning quickly, hoping to make his way back to the bridge without revealing his presence, Naruto froze when he heard his sensei's voice.

"You may as well come out, Naruto," Kakashi said. "I think it's time we had a talk."

Try as he might, Naruto could not decipher whether the man's voice sounded angry, or disappointed, or... simply _tired._

His chin was beginning to quiver and the tears to fall as Naruto stepped out of the dense jungle of undergrowth at the clearing's edge, slowly making his way into the sunlight and over to the carved stone Cenotaph. The moment he was in front of his sensei, he dropped down to the ground in a kowtow: forehead and palms on the ground.

"I am ashamed of my actions, Kakashi-sensei," he sobbed, still facing the dirt. "I was ignorant, and foolish, and I swear I didn't mean to-"

"Naruto," Kakashi said.

"I really thought that you _meant _'underneath the underneath', and when I-"

"Naruto!" Kakashi shouted.

Naruto's head shot up as though he'd been stung.

"Naruto, get up and tell me what this is all about. I can't understand a word you're saying, with your face all covered up like that."

"_Okay_, _the kid is __obviously_ _genuinely__ upset over __something__," _Kakashi thought to himself. "_There's __no way in _Hell_ he would have passed up a straight-line like that, otherwise_."

And so Naruto stood up; and after much prodding and prying, he told Kakashi the whole story: about his epiphany regarding their genin exam, how he had striven to follow his sensei's example and taken the 'awareness' training to heart, how he had tried to become a true friend to his teammates, and how he had finally discovered the jounin's secret.

"You said your best friends' names were on that stone," Naruto croaked out, chest still heaving from his crying jag. "And you put so much _emphasis _on friends, and never abandoning them. And that made me think about Sakura, and Sasuke, and you, too sensei - and I thought about how much I look forward to _seeing _all of you every morning. And I… I thought maybe _you _felt the same way, too."

Kakashi simply stared, dumbfounded, at his most unpredictable student... the notorious 'dead-last' of his squad.

"I'm so sorry!" Naruto cried, fresh tears shining wetly on his face. "I didn't _mean_ to intrude! I'm so _stupid _- I should have _known _I was wrong. I should have known-"

"_Naruto_!"

Naruto's heart stopped: it was that 'AngryGod!Kakashi' from the day of the Bell Test again.

Tears forgotten and all sense of self evaporating under the sheer, stark _intensity _of the older man's fierce gaze, Naruto's mind went completely blank.

"_Much better_," Kakashi thought.

Naruto actually _had _been right about _something_ that first day. With just one look, Kakashi really _could_ see where his students were most vulnerable.

Kakashi reached out...

and ruffled the small boy's hair.

"Good work, Naruto-kun," he said softly. "I'm proud of you."

And the corner of his eye actually crinkled a little as he gave an honest smile for the first time in… ever.

Handing the boy a handkerchief, he continued. "Now, what do you say we get the others, and go have breakfast? I think we _all _have a lot to talk about."

xxxxxxx

Walking back to the bridge with his sensei's hand resting gently on his shoulder, Naruto could hardly contain the sense of... _joy _that kept building as the last remaining puzzle pieces seemed to tumble into place; and a bright smile slowly lit up his face as the extraordinary realization dawned at last.

He had figured it out.

_All _of it.

Maybe there _was _hope for him, after all.

* * *

**A.N. II**

Ewugh. Yeah, I know. I feel so _dirty_. You should probably go ahead and just _burn_ your computer after reading that.

Who'd have ever thought that _I'd_ be writing (shudder) _friendship _fics?

xxxxxxx

I'd like to blame a few conversations with reviewers for spawning this: Kakashi's excuses, the 'underneath the underneath' thing, and _Sakura's_ (supposed) intellect/ability to notice things seemed like the ingredients for an interesting story.

xxxxxxx

Maybe I'll get around to writing a better back story for Sakura one of these days, but for now: Sakura may have her detractors, but I don't think she ever did or said anything that was any worse than anyone _else _here on FFdotNet.

I also don't want this to come across as though canon Naruto was at the core of all Team 7's dysfunctional dynamics. His character here evolved by simply keeping his mouth shut and paying attention to other people - which in turn fueled changes in _them_, as well.

And I _do _think that all of Team 7 -if not the _entire _Naruto! cast- would have benefited by simply having someone to _talk _to (preferably a qualified mental health specialist of some sort).

xxxxxxx

Bonus stories added to Chapters 3 (x2!), 7, 16, 17, 18, 45, 84.


	108. Opportunity Knocks

**127. Opportunity Knocks - with All Sixty-Four Palms**

**

* * *

**

"_It is simply _astonishing," Neji thought, trying to distract himself as he strode down the stairs and into the ring. "_That an entire _village_ of shinobi could be so _gullible."

It took every ounce of self-restraint the dark-haired boy could muster to keep from shouting, "Hallelujah!" and breaking into an end-zone strut when the scrolling letters on the screen had stopped on the name of his opponent.

But 'Self-Restraint' was practically Hyuuga Neji's middle name. It had been _necessary_, after all, to convince his Main House masters that he had accepted his lot in life as a slave.

A slave branded with the Caged Bird seal, despite being the clan's greatest prodigy - instead of being the clan _heir_, which he _would _have been if that damned fool doctor performing the Caesarean had pulled _Hizashi _from the womb _first_.

Honestly, what kind of benighted simpleton would believe that any kind of 'higher power' would actually _endorse_ such a perversion of justice?

Neji's little masquerade had _worked_, however. As a 'reward' for being such a _model_ of subservience, he was permitted to join the ninja ranks and train his ass off, secretly reverse-engineering Hiashi's own techniques - rather than being held back as a potential threat, and relegated to mending sandals or tending the gardens at the Hyuuga Estate.

And it was all that training that had brought him _here_, now: to a chance -very probably his _only_ chance- to actually strike a meaningful (albeit purely _symbolic_) blow against his oppressors.

The bastards who had taken _everything_ from him, including his right to choose his own destiny... including his _father_ - whose _death _had been traded for Hiashi's, when his _life _should have been, instead.

Neji had to bite his cheeks to keep a smile from splitting his face and blowing everything.

xxxxxxx.

"I truly never expected to be facing _you _here, Hinata-sama," Neji remarked, as Hinata tentatively took up her position opposite him.

"N-Neji nii-san..." she faltered.

"Before we begin the fight, I feel it is my duty to say something, _Cousin_," Neji spoke formally, knowing that his own life would very definitely be forfeit if he did not play this hand with the utmost care.

"You are not cut out to be a ninja. You are too timid, and you are not confident in your own abilities. Your desire to avoid conflict is so great, that you allowed your teammates to _coerce_ you into entering the Chuunin Exams, since they can only be taken as a team of three - even though you yourself know that you are far outmatched here. I am telling you the plain, unvarnished truth. Am I mistaken, or will you listen to reason and give up _now_?"

"N-n-no…" Hinata struggled to respond, painfully aware of her own inadequacy - _and _the fact that it was now laid bare before the spectators. "I j-just wanted... I wanted to ch-_change_... to do it m-_myself._"

"_Perfect_," Neji thought, tuning her out after that all-important first word. "_Let everyone see that she has made the choice of her own _'_free_'_ will. It won't hold any weight with the Hyuuga Elders, of course: they'll be howling for my head on a pike - _after _they've used the seal to _torture _me to death. But with any luck, it _may _be enough to convince the _Hokage _to intercede - and if he is willing, he can__ recognize my autonomy and__ grant my secession from the clan_."

"Very well, Cousin; if that is your decision," Neji bowed his head, activating his Byakugan. "Then so be it. _Hakke Rokujūyon Shō_!"

Just as he had hoped, no one -least of all, Hinata- had any chance to react in the scant seconds before his Buddha Palm crushed her sternum, and a pulse of chakra from his _Jyuuken _obliterated her tender heart.

"Shousha: Hyuuga Neji," wheezed Gekkō Hayate, calling the match as the med-nin rushed the field.

And despite the angry shouts and the rising levels of Killing Intent coming from the stands, Neji really _did_ feel like he had scored a victory. Not that it would change anything for the Branch family -and he himself would be dead by nightfall, like as not- but for one brief moment, he had been _free_.

xxxxxxx

Neji never truly understood the nature of Determinism.

And Hiashi never told him the alternate story of his father's death, or his father's final words.

There are those who might say that this was unfortunate.

* * *

**A.N.**

Hakke Rokujūyon Shō = Eight Trigrams Sixty-Four Palms

Shousha = Victor, Winner

xxxxxxx

When you go to your closet and pull out a shirt in the morning, is your choice based on free will or is it the inevitable result of a long sequence of prior events (you like that color, you were working & had money, the shirt was on sale, you bought the shirt, yesterday you wore the shirt next to it leaving _this _shirt at the front of the closet, etc.)?

Maybe more of what we do is based on cause & effect than we (want to) realize.

* * *

**A.N. II**

Here's a complete list of the later stories, if you're looking for them:

101. Credit Where Credit is Due (posted as Chapter 101)

102. New Guy (posted with Chapter 90)

103. No Such Thing as a Stupid Question? (posted with Chapter 83)

104. It's Always the Little Things (posted with Chapter 13)

105. I Know Why the Caged Bird Stings (posted with Chapter 12)

106. Pre-Exam (posted with Chapter 8)

107. The Direct Approach (posted with Chapter 10)

108. When You Have the Same Eyes I Have - Perspective II (posted with Chapter 11)

109. A Complete Waste of Time (posted with Chapter 6)

110. First, You Have to Get his Attention (posted with Chapter 19)

111. More of You to Love (posted with Chapter 2)

112. NarOto! (posted as Chapter 102)

113. Only with the Heart (posted as Chapter 103)

114. I Have My Own Dream! (posted as Chapter 104)

115. The Rookie 9 are _Special _(posted as Chapter 105)

116. No One's Tool but My Own (posted as Chapter 106)

117. He's Kind of a Tool, II - The Omake (posted with Chapter 106)

118. The _Real_ Reason Naruto Doesn't Date Much (posted with Chapter 18)

119. No Horseplay at the Shallow End of the Gene Pool (posted with Chapter 3)

120. We're Number One! (Or at Least, We _Will_ Be) (posted with Chapter 16)

121. Naruto's been _Exposed_ (posted with Chapter 17)

122. What's the Deal with the Devil? (posted with Chapter 3)

123. The Sincerest Form of Something or Other (posted with Chapter 45)

124. Making a Monkey out of Him (posted with Chapter 7)

125. Above and Beyond the Underneath (posted as Chapter 107)

126. Shrink my _What_? (posted with Chapter 84)

127. Opportunity Knocks - with All Sixty-Four Palms (posted as Chapter 108)


	109. Through the Looking Glass

**128. Through the Looking-Glass**

**

* * *

**

The secluded subterranean chamber was as dark as the crypt, and the air was thick and foul. Uchiha Sasuke's unnaturally pale features were faintly illuminated by a sickly phosphorescent glow that only served to highlight the madness in his kohl-blackened eyes.

His hands moved faster and faster, fingers blurring as he focused all of his concentration on his task.

'Hinata cowered in fear. She knew that there was no escape. But the most agonizing aspect of her predicament? She didn't even know what she should be hoping for - the quick release of death by _Chidori _or _Jyuuken_, or the mockery of her fairytale daydream as Kumo's blind Byakugan brood sow. Her only regret-'

"_Sasuke_!" Kabuto called down into the basement. "It's time for dinner! Orochimaru-sama says to turn off the computer and come upstairs."

"I'll eat later!" Sasuke shouted back, his attention never straying from his keyboard. "I'm working right now - I'm in the _zone_!"

"Oh? So you're finally ready to start _looking_ for a job?" Kabuto snarked, frankly fed up with the little poser's prima donna attitude. It had been like this ever since he'd moved in with them.

"Shut up! I hate you! You don't understand _anything_!"

"_Now_, Sasuke!" Kabuto frowned, his hand on his hip, before storming off to the kitchen. "I don't know why I bother," he muttered. "Ungrateful little…"

Sasuke stubbed out the clove cigarette he'd been smoking and scowled angrily at the monitor.

Fucking buzz-kill. That bitch Kabuto wasn't the boss of him!

_Damn_. And he had been so _close_ to finishing that story. But there was no helping it now - the mood was completely spoiled.

So, what's it going to be then, eh? Porn, game, or anime?

Ah, what the hell - why not a little bit of each?

Sasuke pulled on his headphones and double-clicked the file labeled, 'Bible_Black'.

Once again, his hands moved faster and faster, fingers blurring as he focused all of his concentration on his... task.

Just wait 'til he saw Itachi again. Live life in an unsightly manner, eh?

Sasuke would sure show _him_.

* * *

**A.N.**

I was saving this as a 'bonus' (i.e., 'filler') chapter, but then I realized that I hadn't prepared anything special to commemorate 200,000 hits. It seemed appropriate for the occasion, in any case.

xxxxxxx

"_Bible Black_ is an _eroge _video game for Microsoft Windows… Milky Studio has since adapted the game into several _hentai _original video animations." - Wikipedia


End file.
